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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that despite what she says, my friend can't actually be arsed?

26 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 22:42

Minor one but I'd like to know what you think.

My mate invited me to her birthday, which was going to be 10 hours in the pub. I'd already committed to something else so said I could come for a couple of hours early on but not stay the whole thing. So she got back and said she could make it an hour earlier so we'd have more time (it has been a while since we saw each other but we used to be close, went on holidays together etc.). We don't live in the same city so it's a fair journey for me.

So, I turned up at the pub, no-one there. Another mate of hers turned up a few minutes later also expecting her. Eventually we rang her and got the reply she's on her way but delayed (she lives a few minutes away). She finally turned up an hour later than she'd said, at the original meeting time, saying how terrible she felt, really panicked about being late and how awfully flustered she was. She didn't say anything much else to me for two hours (she was chatting to people who were staying for longer, and didn't open the present I brought - is that just different habits, because I always thought it was rude not to open a present in front of the giver?

I would usually assume in that situation that she just didn't feel we were that close and was trying to show me she didn't really want to see me. But as I was leaving she told me how close she felt we were, how we needed to meet up soon, etc. etc.

I get that some people are more disorganized than others, but would you have been pissed off/offended, and would you think this wasn't a friendship worth making an effort about?

OP posts:
scarletforya · 27/11/2011 22:49

I'm a great believer in looking at peoples actions rather than listening to their words. To me this smacks of her wanting a 'good turnout' numberswise at her birthday and so licking up to you in order to achieve that.

But if she really gave a shit she would have talked to you.

I can't be doing with these people who throw themselves parties anyway though so don't listen to me!

omaoma · 27/11/2011 22:55

i hate it when things like that happen at big birthday parties. and yes it makes me feel angry and overlooked too. it's one of the reasons i rarely go to big turnout meals any more unless i know there will be a few people i'd really like to talk to there.

so failing to talk to you for 2 hours at a party when yo've gone out of your way to go happens a lot at these things ime, and it sounds like she loved the idea of a big party but didn't nec think about what it would mean for everyone else. no idea if her arriving late was spiteful, is she often late to stuff? but i think, in general, she proved that you are not as important to her as the other people there, or she would have prioritised speaking to you, and prioritised getting there on time having encouraged you to get there early. i would probably downgrade the way i prioritised her as well in future tbh.

Hassled · 27/11/2011 22:57

No, she doesn't really give a shit and yes, I'd have been hacked off.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 22:58

scarlet - yeah, I sort of feel that way (actions rather than words I mean - I don't TBH mind her throwing her own party, nothing wrong with using a birthday as an excuse to get people together if you do it right).

I think the thing is, she's always been flaky and keeps people waiting. And I know she does it with everyone - but at what point do you stop saying 'oh, she's just rubbish at timekeeping' and at what point do you say this is someone who just doesn't really think about other people?

oma - thanks for the sympathy. Smile I did feel a bit cross. And it wasn't that big a party, maybe 10-12 of us?

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 22:59

Grin - yeah, hassled, that is pretty much what I felt so good to see it said!

OP posts:
NewsClippings · 27/11/2011 23:00

I'd always save presents until later so as not to make a show of opening them or to embarrass any givers in front of each other by anyone making comparisons, duplicates etc.

If she wants to meet up soon I'd give her a ring and see how it goes. Parties are strange and you don't really see how people are. She must have just got caught up in conversation with the others. She sounds scatty but not deliberately out to hurt anyone.

10 hours in the pub though? Is that a typo?

omaoma · 27/11/2011 23:03

god 10 people is enough to be completely sidelined in my experience, espec if it is busy and it's hard to move around (so you end up stuck in a seat at the end of the table miles away from the party girl). perhaps i am just not social enough!

omaoma · 27/11/2011 23:05

re your point about her poor timekeeping and when you give up - i think the point is you need to adjust your behaviour according to experience if you're going to keep hanging out. there's no point always arriving on time if you know she'll be an hour late! you'll only be disappointed and angry.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:06

Ah, you are nice people omaoma and news. I'm not sure I am! Grin

(And no, ten hours wasn't a typo ... the idea was a pub crawl from 2 until midnight, though to be fair she assumed keen people would come at 2, and less keen people would join in the evening - obviously I couldn't because I had another committment but that was the idea for it.)

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:08

Cross-post ... yeah, I guess you're right oma but an hour?

She turned up on time last time I saw her so I thought maybe she'd kicked the habit. To be clear, I wouldn't even notice or comment on someone being 10-15 minutes late, it's just when it's that long, when she's the one who suggested she'd meet me earlier, it is a bit irritating.

OP posts:
NewShooz · 27/11/2011 23:08

Did she introduce you to her other friends whilst you were there? I think some people find it difficult (or just don't think!) to 'spread themselves around' whilst in a large group, and make sure they speak to everyone.

What she said to you before you left, COULD show that she was feeling a little bit guilty for practically ignoring you for 2 hours before. Or maybe she suddenly realised 'Oh god, I've hardly spoken to LRD'?

You are NOT bu to feel offended/pissed off though, I would too. I would text her and ask if she had a nice rest of the day, and say something along the lines of, that it was a shame that you didn't get to speak much whilst you were there... See what her reply is...

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:13

Yeah, I expect she did exactly what you said new. I am a mean sod, I guess.

She didn't introduce me to people but I know a few of her friends, not well, but I've known them a long time, so maybe she just didn't realize I was feeling a bit out of it.

I'll do as you say and text.

OP posts:
NewShooz · 27/11/2011 23:18

No, You're not a 'mean sod' LRD Smile

lobatteries · 27/11/2011 23:18

scarletforya couldn't have put it better. I've been to a party recently and was expecting similar, ie being ignored because friend while lovely is an attention seeker to a large degree and also loves the idea of having lots of friends specially around for her. However, I was delighted as she really made an effor to include everyone, introducing everyone and making sure everyone was having a good time throughout the party to the extend that everyone mucked in and was lovely. Turned my previous opinion of this friend that I've known for a long time on around completely. Her actions really did speak for themselves that evening, in a lovely way.
This freind really didn't deserve your efforts that day/evening. Having said that I'm sure she has lots of qualities you like so just be aware in future and not necessarily hold a grudge.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/11/2011 23:20

Thanks new Smile

lo - aw, nice story!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2011 02:54

OK, I'm in a minority of one... It was her birthday and you have sort of made it all about you. Her birthday, she was late, her birthday, spoke to who she felt like. I would be a bit Hmm if someone came to a birthday party of mine and got their knickers in a twist because I was a bit late and mingled instead of talking to them. She sounds a bit floopy but she already tried to make it about you reorganise timings and so on.

echt · 28/11/2011 03:01

I think I can top this. Invited to a friend's birthday do at a well-known watering hole in Covent Garden. When I got there, not late, it was a lock-in because of numbers. I waved, she put her hand out of the door, took the present.

She never rang me again. Ever. I've never seen her since, though I kept her on my Christmas card list for ages, and we'd met about twice a year.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/11/2011 08:19

TerryPratchett, the OP's friend wasn't just a bit late though; she was an hour late.

OP, I think she was taking the pee and being disrespectful to you and your other friend by being late. I think the ignoring thing is rude too, especially as there were only a few there. It's not like she had a room full of hundreds to try to mingle with.

Like another poster said, I would use this as a lesson in how your friend views your friendship and adjust your behaviour to her accordingly.

omaoma · 28/11/2011 09:54

echt - ! you kept her on your CHRISTMAS CARD LIST???

she would have been on my voodoo pin cushion list...

mrsjay · 28/11/2011 10:08

ID be miffed you made the effort after her making a bit of a fuss and she ignored you , I think thats off , I have a friend like this we went to her sons birthday party 18th 200 miles away gave her son money for driving lessons which he asked for well demanded , She sent my dd a facebook message on her 18th TALK ABOUT PISSED OFF ! some people have no regard for anybody elses feelings and i think the OPs friend was more concerned about her 10 hr party ( 10 hrs jeez) that the people who made the effort to go to it ,

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/11/2011 11:11

echt - bloody hell, yes, that does top mine! How rude!

MrsTP - I do see your point. I didn't actually make it about me at the time, though. I was all smiley and nice, I just felt a bit fed up afterwards!

Anyhoo, I have taken the good advice and sent her a text saying I was sad I'd not seen more of her, how would she feel about meeting up in my home town sometime soon, and we'll see. I do know some people are just rotten timekeepers and god knows, that's her. It just feels different now we're not students hanging around in the same place with not a lot to do, which is how it used to be. Ah well ...

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 28/11/2011 11:17

YANBU op. Phase her out.

echt I am really Shock that you kept this person on your xmas card list. Please come and explain that one to us.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/11/2011 11:20

OmaOma, I like the idea of a voodoo pin cushion list!! cackles

redwineformethanks · 28/11/2011 12:10

I get fed up when people claim to be poor time keepers. Unless they have a history of missing holiday flights, losing jobs due to turning up late etc, I tend not to accept that they are genuinely so poor at keeping track of the time. What they are saying is that they would prefer to keep you waiting than pull their finger out and make the effort to be punctual

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/11/2011 15:17

Maybe that's why I am more forgiving. I know a couple of total flakes, one of whom missed a flight, at Xmas to see one of his children Shock. He is not worth a friendship but some flaky, useless people are.