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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to pander to this needy PITA anymore?

17 replies

Bogeyface · 27/11/2011 22:12

A family member messaged me through FB asking me to meet her for a coffee a couple of weeks ago. I said I couldnt as I was doing alot of work for a new proposal but that I would give her a shout when things had calmed down a bit.

Went to message her tonight and she has blocked me! She has pulled this crap before, for example a couple of months ago I didnt reply to a text straight away so she sent a stroppy "if you dont want to meet me just say so, dont ignore me" message and then ignored me when I texted to explain.

She never apologises for her strops, acts as if nothing happened and expects me to be fine too. I am sure I am not the only person she does this too, but I am fed up with it. She is in her 30's FFS!

So AIBU to not bother contacting her anymore? Our family isnt particularly close so that wont be a problem.

OP posts:

blackeyedsanta · 27/11/2011 22:15

wait until she contacts you, and definately cool things off if she is being a pain.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 27/11/2011 22:18

no, YANBU. Life's too short to arse around with childishness from grown ups.

reallydeepthoughts · 27/11/2011 22:20

If she is family I suppose you are a bit stuck with her.

I wouldn't loose sleep over her huffs tho and as previous poster says just let her come to you

slavetofilofax · 27/11/2011 22:25

YANBU. Don't bother with her, it will be no loss to you.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 27/11/2011 22:33

Thanks.

Will wait and see how long it takes her! Any bets? :o

OP posts:

EauDeLaPoisson · 27/11/2011 22:51

YANBU but having been on the other side of this it really irritates when people aren't straight. A simple 'no thanks' instead of stringing people along lets people know where they stand- maybe you aren't as assertive as you think you are being?

YellowDinosaur · 27/11/2011 23:21

Its not stringing someone along to say 'not now, maybe in a couple of weeks' though is it? Or to not immediately respond to a text message - I mean some people actually have a life.

OP YANBU. Ignore until she gets back in touch and then see how you feel. If you wish to see her then do so but if she pulls this repeatdly I think I'd be inclined to say that I'm a bit fed up with her tantrums every time I don't say 'how high?' every time she says 'jump'

Original poster

Bogeyface · 27/11/2011 23:22

Well I said i would love to but i cant for the next couple of weeks but I will give you a shout when I have finished this work. She was fine, and it hasnt been 2 weeks (if you want to nit pick) until tomorrow so I am still within my "couple of weeks" time frame!

She is demanding and not at all forgiving if she perceives she has been slighted. She has held grudges for years over the tiniest thing!

OP posts:

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 27/11/2011 23:23

YANBU sounds really high maintenance- I would try to phase this person out.

Original poster

Bogeyface · 27/11/2011 23:24

The text message thing really annoys me. I have a large family, a baby and now a freelance job (on and off) and my mobile can go all day without me checking it! But if you dont reply to her within say half an hour then you are ignoring her.

The time I lost it (left it locked in the car!) and didnt reply for 2 days was a doozy, she didnt speak to me for months after that one :o

OP posts:

plupervert · 28/11/2011 06:36

If you want to ease your conscience, reply to her by another means (surely she hasn't blocked your mobile texts) letting her know you are freer now, as expected. If she replies, you can ask her why she hurried into blocking you on FB: a very good question to raise! If she doesn't reply at all, you have been as scrupulous as anyone could desire and can start being as "demanding" as she is and claim your turn to be slighted!

EdithWeston · 28/11/2011 06:55

You may have meant exactly what you said. But chose a way to say it which is a classic string along line. I'm not surprised she took it in that widespread meaning.

As it is a family member, staying in touch might be the prudent course. When you have some time, send a message (by whatever means) to say that you are now free and when shall you do the coffee you agreed to.

When you do meet, you can explain (nicely) that you didn't mean to use a brush off phrase as you had only meant the surface meaning not its common associations. And hope you can both put it behind you - she being less dramatic, but also you in turn of phrase.

fastweb · 28/11/2011 07:00

So AIBU to not bother contacting her anymore?

No, not at all.

An overgrown toddler in your life is optional, not obligatory.

A refusal to be the one who restiches and a cementing of the non communication the new normal may help her rethink the effectivness of her "cut you off, so you come running" stratagy. Which is high risk for her being very lonely in the longer term.

Proudnscary · 28/11/2011 07:26

Bogey - I agree with others that life's too short to put up with this frustrating, stressful crap. The temptation might be to explain or vent to her. Unfortunately with people like this, there is no point. She won't get it.
Remember that you are not cutting her out out of malice or unkindness but to quite reasonably protect yourself from her hurtful actions.

fastweb · 28/11/2011 07:43

Remember that you are not cutting her out out of malice or unkindness

I think also it is less a case of you cutting her out, and more a case of quietly refusing to do any re knotting after SHE cuts you out.

It is very manpipulative and drama prone this stratagy of hers. A totally OTT breaking of contact expressly aimed at having others leap into paying attention and do all the running to reknit the bond.

It seems she might be the type that walzes through her relationsips with a pair of scissors labled "Attention Shall Be Mine" while everybody else is on darning duty.

Having had a few of those sorts of people in my life I think the stratagy is partly due to personality reasons, but gets cemented as the typical MO becuase it is cheap in terms of effort on her part, thrilling in terms of drama, additctve in terms of eliciting attention, and habit foming becuase alternative and more mature stratagies never get devloped becuase they don't become a necessity as the people around her tolerate a toddler style approach.

I have never regreted removing such a person from my life.

And I include my mother in that.

It is very freeing when you take back control over the extent to which deliberatly manufactured, utterly synthetic crisis and drama is allowed to be shoe horned in to your life by other people.

ProjectGainsborough · 28/11/2011 07:52

Oh god, I've spent far too much time pandering to people like this. Now I just don't engage anymore.

Just ignore. What is the sound of one person having a tantrum if there's no-one there to hear it?

Nagoo · 28/11/2011 09:48

What is the sound of one person having a tantrum if there's no-one there to hear it?

this ignore ignore.

YANBU. life is too short. I always think that if the person was slagging you off, and explaining why they fell out with you, how would it sound?

'she said she was busy with work for the next two weeks! Then 10 days later, she had the audacity to text me!" makes her sound like a loon, quite frankly.

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