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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think dh should not be lying to me again?

17 replies

megansmummy1 · 27/11/2011 20:56

Bit of a long one - sorry.
When DH and I met we were both smokers, we both decided to quit when we got married for financial reasons and as we wanted to have family eventually. I quit straight away, it was hard but i did it and 8 years later, i still have not had one. DH struggled more, he would last a few weeks then fall off the waggon. This used to get to me not just because he never had any money so I was always paying for stuff, but also because, he would keep it hidden from me and even lie when confronted so it felt like a betrayal in way.

We have argued regularly about this over the last 8 years with each time being the last! We now have 2 DCs aged 4 and 2 months and as i am on stat mat pay, we are skint.

When DC 1 was about 18 months, DH had an affair with an ex which he obviously lied to cover up. I found out and said our marriage was over, I could not take the lies anymore and would never trust him again.
After a lot of soul searching and begging, i finally agreed to try and work things out on the condition he never lied to me about anything again.

DH promised he would be a new man, never hurt me again and really turn over a new leaf, which with all credit, he did. I had never been happier and was even thinking it was the shake up we needed

But..........
DS was born 2 months ago and the last few weeks DH has been really moody and snappy with the children and I and I have just had a feeling that he is hiding something from me.

As I said, we are skint to the point DH is looking to go into a debt management plan, he is rubbish with finances so asked me help him with income and expenditure report to get it started. I asked for his bank statement to see how much the mortgage payments are as he didnt know. he said he couldn't find it. next day i found it on the pile of paperwok to be shredded so had a look (I know, I know) and couldnt believe he had spent £50 cash withdrawls in 6 days when he always says he doesnt even buy lunch at work!!!!
So WWYD?

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 21:00

I'd accept that the man was never going to stop lying to me and have a long think about what I wanted to do.

flyingspaghettimonster · 27/11/2011 21:01

might have been your Christmas present?

AntiqueAnteater · 27/11/2011 21:03

ask him what he is spending the money on first

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 27/11/2011 21:06

That was my first thought, flying. But then I thought well, why would he be really moody and snappy for weeks if he's just dipped into the money for a christmas present?

and why £50 over 6 days and not one withdrawal of £50, if it was for a gift.

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 27/11/2011 21:09

Gracious, I could have written that a few years ago. My Ex used to lie to me about smoking, once with the cig behind his back knob. Lots of lies about money too, and I bet your DH can't say what he spent it on.

I got rid of him after finding some even bigger lies, he's still lying but I'm so glad I don't have to be with someone I cannot trust. Unless it's a really good present Wink, I'd be having a serious think about whether you can be with someone you think is a liar.

Original poster
megansmummy1 · 27/11/2011 21:14

HecateGoddessOfTheNight - you are right, he keeps doing it, just not sure if i over reacting or being hormonal? dont know if i can face a drama with a tiny baby.

flyingspaghettimonster - wishful thinking i'm afraid, we dont do xmas pressies for each other and it was withdrawn in dribs and drabs, not a one off, oh and i have actually found the cigarettes.

AntiqueAnteater - guess I should ask but tbh now i have found the pack and i know he is smokng again, i am afraid he will lie and of the consequences of that. I am not really good with confrontation.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 27/11/2011 21:16

He lied to you about not being able to find the statement, and lied to you about spending the money. You need to confront him, nicely at first , and find out where he's spent the money, then take it from there. If he's taking money out willy nilly it's no wonder you're skint. He needs to be completely upfront with you if a/ you're going onto a payment plan, and b/ your relationship is to survive.

Original poster
megansmummy1 · 27/11/2011 21:20

SuePurblybiltbyElves - glad to know its not just me, he always makes me feel like i am over reacting but to me its a big deal. Its the lies and sneaking about that bother me more than the money (though thats as bad), and his friends always know but know that i dont so feel like i am been made to look a fool - again.

OP posts:
nerfmum · 27/11/2011 21:24

my dh has been doing this too. Drives me nuts. We just can't afford for him to smoke. He wont smoke in the house, if i go out into the garden when he is at it he hides the ciggy behind his back I HATE IT .

Original poster
megansmummy1 · 27/11/2011 21:36

nerfmum - is it something you would consider leaving him over tho or am i just being daft?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 27/11/2011 21:57

Lying is always a big deal - because it's not just about hiding an uncomfortable/embarrassing/shameful/inconvenient truth.

It is about denying the person-lied-to the information that they would otherwise use in decision-making - and therefore to influence their decision in the liar's favour.

It is about denying the person-lied-to equality with the liar, as the liar exerts control over the person-lied-to's decisions and knowledge.

It is about denying the person-lied-to respect; the respect of the liar and the respect of the wider circle who know the truth.

Original poster
megansmummy1 · 27/11/2011 22:15

whereyouleftit, you have summed up how i feel far better than i did. I guess i know i should confront him but just scared of what comes next.

OP posts:
PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 27/11/2011 22:17

I read the word "again" in your title and that was enough - your DP/DH shouldn't lie to you about anything, let alone repeatedly and habitually :(

slavetofilofax · 27/11/2011 22:47

You need to ask yourself why he feels he has to lie about smoking to you.

Giving up smoking, and staying smoke free is really really hard if you don't really really want to do it.

I think you need to stop giving him a reason to lie. If you don't go mental at him for smoking, then he won't feel he has to lie. He has probably just caved to the craving and then wanted to avoid upsetting you and having an arguement.

Original poster
megansmummy1 · 28/11/2011 03:40

slavetofilofax - this is the excuse he always used. it was acceptable the first couple of times but 8 years and countless relapses later, its starting to wear thin. After the affair, he is well aware that it is the lying that i cant stand, we can talk about/get through anything else but only if he is honest.

I asked him a little earlier what the money was spent on, he said he didn't know. I asked if he had started smoking again, he said no. He said he had learnt his lesson about lying and even if he only had 1, he would tell me. DH then looked me in the eye and said i was being paranoid.

dont know what to do, he is lying to my face, looking me in the eye while saying these things and trying to convince me i am paranoid.

we have a 4 year old and 8 week old baby, can i really walk out?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/11/2011 09:01

You can make him walk out and you'd probably find life was better as a result. It's horrible living with someone you can't trust and lying appears to be his default setting. You're always on your guard, always checking up on them, always on pins... that's no way to live for anyone. Hope you find a way through .

AntiqueAnteater · 28/11/2011 10:10

Id say something along the lines of I noticed there were withdrawals being made on the account and you were worried it had been compromised. Before you phone the bank, does he know anything about them

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