This is going to sound so very petty but I am hoping with anger......

[ohgawdherewegoagain]

Some background.... My mother has lived with me for the last two years. She's lived here rent free for one year, and paid £200 per month for the next year. (I'm only mentioning the money as my central heating is now on for 24 hours a day for 9 months of the year, lost my single persons council tax allowance and quite frankly my salary does not stretch to these additional costs as I'm single. (She's got a good pension from my late father and has banked the proceeds of her house sale. She's definitely not hard up).

She's allowed her mobility to deteriotate so she cannot go out alone and won't go to the doctors as she says its just old age, along with all her other superior knowledge, she obviously is also medically qualified to be able to diagnose herself! She's always been difficult and although parts of her personality have mellowed with age, others areas certainly have not. Because I feel as though the house is no longer my home, I try to be out as much as possible, never cook a meal here and basically I feel as if I'm a lodger in my own home. I get the luxury of doing all the housework and pay all the bills. To say I'm resentful about being pressured into this situation is an understatement. I'm the only child left for her which is very sad and probably why I have tended to indulge her.

Now to the crux of the matter - the house takes a lot of looking after and all I ever do is sleep here and don't get the benefit of sitting in comfortable and clean surroundings - she does! Last week, I went away for a clandestine weekend with a manfriend (she doesn't know about him and has made some awful comments about me not getting involved with people because at my age, all the good ones are taken.) Came back on Sunday and spent 4 hours cleaning the house. I have more than a full time job and this week has been quite typical in the that I have been working 13 and 14 hour days so I'm knackered. Cleaned the house from top to bottom again yesterday as family were visiting and did it all again today as having a crowd here you understandably do get mess with kids etc. So, whilst I'm cleaning the last of the floors, she gets up from her chair (11.30am) and decides to make herself a sandwich for lunch (11.30??), when I walk back in the kitchen to clean the freshly hoovered floors, she's dropped crumbs and ham on the floor and left it. Also, she uses no plate and was craddling the sodding sandwich in a bit of kitchen roll so more crumbs being distributed as she walked from kitchen to living room. I moaned because I think it is just selfish and she does not appreciate her position or the hard work that everyone does for her. She just repeats, what's the problem, it's only a few crumbs. I have probably over reacted this morning and lost my temper and raised my voice because I want her to just appreciate that giving her a comfortable and clean home takes a lot of effort - she only clears up her dishes and keeps her own room tidy - I say tidy because she rarely dusts it or hoovers it and I refuse to do it for her. She does nothing else to help out and as well as me getting to this point, myusually very placid and accommodating eldest daughter also reached screaming point this week as she was trying to get her to help out with a surprise birthday party for me. (My daugher ended up not going to bed until 4pm yesterday when she is working on a night shift in the police because of my mum's awkwardness.) She could be living in sheltered accommodation with hardly a visitor. AIBU to think that she could just think beyond herself????? Sorry for the length of this and really just wanted to have a bit of a rant!

Can you all work out if you can afford sheltered accommodation?
It sounds like it's time for a change. How old is your mother?

It's not petty at all. It's the straw that broke the long-suffering camel's back. I would have lost it with her long since.

She sounds as if she has regressed to childhood being a stroppy teenager. So treat her like one and lay down the law. If she doesn't like it, she can go elsewhere - be sure to point this out to her.

I think it is time for her to move out to be honest, at some point she will need round the clock care, and that can't be you.

Hello Down, she could afford it. The ones round here cost £400 - £500 per month which also includes fuel costs. All she would need to pay for is council tax, insurance, and food. However, she is extremely anti social and part of the benefit of sheltered accommodation would be to mix in with the other residents, although they are not forced to, of course. Her brain operates on a more superior level that the rest of us mere mortals and she doesn't think she has anything in common with many people. She's right there!

She's 76 and she has an underlying medical condition and we were told she was time limited. That's why I asked her to move in. She now eats properly, takes her medication when she needs to and the medical condition has improved and now the doctors are saying she is stable and fingers crossed she will stay that way for a while to come yet. She said the other month when we argued that she would move out and when I broached the matter again, she became upset and said she didn't want to live on her own again. Lots of emotional blackmail going on here I'm afraid.

Bloody hell. She sounds like a nightmare. I can't believe she has banked the money from selling her house and yet paid you nothing for a year and now £200 a month leaving you out of pocket. That's not the action of a loving parent let alone the self-inflicted mobility problems and thoughtless (at best) actions like the sandwich. I am so sorry you no longer feel that your home is your own.

I don't think at this age/stage she's going to change so the best thing for you all would be for her to go. Be nasty if you have to - you need your life and your home back.

Sit her down and explain, that she has to contribute.
Make allowance for getting a cleaner 2 x a week, extra fuel cost, food etc.
See what she says.

She needs to pay her way. Like happyAvocado says, she should help pay for a cleaner twice a week, as well as half the utility and food bills.

I was brought up by 2 old ladies (my gran and my aunt). I love old people, really I do. I feel we are so lucky to have that generation of people with all their memories and histories.

But why are they always so effing tight? (No offence to the truly poor, of which there are many).

I wasn't thinking banishment into the outer darkness, more local sheltered housing with a lot of company there and visits from you.

For you and her I think she needs to move into sheltered housing or something like that. My friend was in a similar position recently where she was tempted to let her Mum move in with her as she has become more immobile. However she found after a trial run that her Mum regressed in the space of a week. At the beginning she could get on a bus, make her lunch etc and by the end she wasn't even able to put on her bra as she suddenly started relying on her daughter to do everything. Friend was an only child too and felt responsible. They agreed after a long painful discussion that she would stay put in her own house and put in place a package of carers etc.
It would be fine if you got on swimmingly when you live together, but you don't. She can afford it. I'm sure she'll be resistant - tell her now that you feel you can't manage her needs, that she has become more immobile than you imagined and that the flat is not suitable,andyour relationship is disintegrating rather than she's difficult and tight and messy.
It's a very diffcult situation for you.

It sounds horrendous, tbh. Re the sandwich crumbs thing- if she's capapble of making a sandwich, she can jolly well clean up after herself. And it doesn't matter if it's just a few crumbs to her, it's your house and you want them cleaning up. She's taking the piss. Agree with the others that you need to sit down with her, tell you you're not happy and ask her to contribute more financially and not treat you like her slave. And as others have said, if she doesn't like it, she can look for somewhere else to live.

I would use this point to explain that you can not afford to keep her and she need to contribute more to the household bills as you are not earning enough and bills need to be shared proportional

I know 110 pounds per week for bed and board is the going rate, that is all in two meals per day and heating lighting etc.

Then get a cleaner in four hours a week otherwise you will make yourself ill.

I did smile as this type of behaviour is so typical of teens and they say OAP's go back to their teen years much later on.

I think you sound like an angel. My patience would have worn through approx 1 year 11 and 3/4 months ago.

I think you should be honest - explain having her there is costing you more in time and cash than you anticipated.

If arrangement is to continue does she want to start contributing towards a cleaner and the bills.

We have similar issues in our family so I truly sympathise - was discussing employing cleaners with an elderly relative the other day whose response was "I don't need a cleaner, X will do it". At which point I felt obligated to point out that maybe X wasn't happy to do it, that they do have some semblance of a life and that it would be better to employ someone to do tasks that are easily outsourced so that X's goodwill can be used for other more challenging things like... christmas shopping.

It went down like a lead balloon and I am in the bad relative role, once again.

Thank you all for your wise words. Crabapple - I'm not an angel. We fight like cat and dog and I think I'm making her just as miserable as she's making me. Don't know why I thought this was would work. My paternal grandmother lived with us and her and my mother did not get on. She used to spend all her day in her room on her own - just what I'm doing now actually!
I'm being weepy as it's my fiftieth soon and I am really struggling to think of all the years I've spent struggling - half of my adult life on my own and it looks as though I may end up spending the next twenty in the same way. Boo hooo......

I really think it is time for her to go to sheltered accommodation, and don't let her guilt trip you, she chose to have a child you did not chose to be born, you owe her nothing

OP, you need to get her out. Sheltered accommodation would be better as it's a reasonable cost and there would be people her own age there.

You deserve a life of your own. It's not fair that she's staying with you and you feel you can't go to your own home. It's not right.

You will have to face her on this. Don't let her argue you out of it. Oh and in the meantime, she should be paying ALL of the heating bill - you aren't there, are you?

I'm getting really angry on your behalf. You have to do something about this!

I really sympathise Ohgawd. It's taken a couple of years for the dynamics of our similar situation to work themselves out, butyou can get there in the end.

We live with my 83 year old mother, in HER house! But we pay for 3 hours cleaning a week, and give her £700 per month to cover the bills and various insurances. We also buy a lot of her groceries when we do an online shop, and regularly take her for meals out and trips to the theatre and cinema etc. She is entirely responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of her house, so if the boiler bursts, she pays for it etc. She is also very generous with gifts and has helped us out financially in the past too.

I agree with what happyAvocado and ivykaty44 say. You really must sit her down and tell her you cannot manage without a daily cleaner and a greater contribution towards bills. Show her your utility bills if necessary. Point out what the alternative would be - moving into an old folks home. Don't take no for an answer either.

Am extremely though at all the posters who think she should be thrown out. Presumably if Ohgawd had been happy for her mum to go into a home in the first place, she wouldn't be asking for advice now. Frankly, I see FAR more concern expressed about the welfare of stray pooches on MN than that of old people. Chuck her out for dropping crumbs, before giving her an ultimatum having a serious chat about money? It's not as if she hasn't GOT the money, she just has to be told in no uncertain terms that she must make a fairer contribution which includes paying towards some domestic help. A care home would be would be hell on earth for someone who isn't a good mixer.

OhGawd, I can so sympathize. My grandmom stayed with my parents and us, and it is a difficult adjustment.

But I think there are things you can do to make it easier. As others have said, have your mom pay for a cleaner, and if possible for a cook as well to come in once or twice a week and prepare meals for the family. For us, this has been around 500 a month - money well spent in terms of reducing areas of friction! It is also lovely to sit down as a family and have a good meal prepared by someone else.

Also, do you have a sitting room for yourself? If not is there a way you can create some space to be on your own? That way you will feel less of an intruder in your own home.

Finally, is there any interest you and mom and your daughters share in common, e.g., watching movies, playing cards, games, gardening anything? It would be nice to find something you can share as a family, without it being too personal iyswim.

I am sure you will get plenty of good karma for being good to your mum! You are also setting a great example for your children. I have enormous respect for my parents for having taken care of my GPs and it has made my sis and me more accommodating in general (even though it was difficult at that time).

Hang in there, you will find a comfort level that works for everyone.

Must say I am and at those who say throw your mum out and that you don't owe her anything!

OP does owe her mum something - she owes her a wake-up call regarding her behaviour. Her mother has embraced dependancy and is treating her daughter's home as if it is a hotel, and treating her daughter like a skivvy. Exactly like a stroppy teenager, which is why I suggested treating her like one.

And yes, that does include whatever variation of 'if you don't like the house rules, find somewhere else' the OP prefers. Would the OP (would anyone?) expect her mum to actually move elsewhere? No, we would all expect her mum to get her finger out and stop being as much of a PITA.

YANBU, as several other posters have said you really need to have a serious conversation with her about contributions towards a cleaner and utility bills, plus whatever it costs you in council tax to have her living with you. You say that she is miserable too - she will certainly have her own ideas about how to make this work, if she wants it to. If a better option for all of you would be sheltered accommodation, look into it together. You certainly don't need to kick her out but you do need your own space, just as she needs hers, so sort that out if you can.

Why did you start this in the first place? It's not working, kick her out

Is your house arranged in any way that you could make part of it self-contained? Convert a garage into a kitchen/living room, or give her a private sitting room with kitchenette? If she has the money from her house sale, could she pay for the work? - you could tell her that the current arrangement isn't working, and offer her option of this or sheltered housing. That way you can keep an eye, help her out, etc, but she can get a cleaner in, and leave your house as you want it, without you feeling like you have to sit in your room.

I'm afraid I haven't read all your replies or posts, but surely she could help pay for a cleaner. I think without the cleaning and mopping up after her to do, you would probably feel a bit less resentful.

Zombie thread there Betty!