Really need some advice, too scared to finish relationship but head telling me I have to

[muffins]

I don't know where to post this so have opted for here, please go easy on me :)

I'm 27 and have one DS. In October last year when DS was 3 I met DP on an Internet dating website. Things moved pretty quickly and I fell pregnant in jan this year. During those first 3 months of the relationship i got herpes (presumably from DP doc says given my sexual history) I put this in as given DPs recent behaviour I'm beginning to think is it any wonder. As far as the herpes is concerned I do not hold DP responsible really, he seems to be one of the 'lucky' symptomless carriers. I just accept it's one of those things unfortunately.

Anyways, so at about 30 weeks pregnant DP went out and left his laptop on for me to use Internet. He'd left his Facebook inbox screen up and there were messages from about 4 women, rude stuff, arranging meeting up etc. I want to say at this point that I have NEVER been one to go through messages phones etc but I just stumbled across these. So I confronted DP, he apologised vowed never to do it again blah blah.

8 weeks ago DD was born, she is beautiful and perfect.

When she was 5 weeks old DP stayed in a hotel on 'business'. I had been feeling things weren't right again and spoke to him that evening and asked him outright if he was happy with me. He said yes. When he returned home the next day I read messages on his phone where that evening he had been trying to get 3 women at work to come to hotel (not at same time!) and other various suck my cock stuff, u get the idea. As far as I gather, they were busy. Again I confronted DP, never do it again he said etc etc.

So tonight we are in hotel, he went out with work lads for some event. I would have stayed home but his car is broken at mo so we came in mine. I had a nice evening with kids at cinema so has been ok. When DP came back at midnight I looked at his phone ( I know I'm not helping myself here). He had texted the same 3 women but deleted the texts. He says it was just asking where they should go out with the lads. In my heart, I know this is utter bollocks but maybe I should give him benefit of doubt. He couldn't tell me why he didn't ask men colleagues from this area instead.

I don't want to be neurotic and have no problem with female friends, he just seems incapable of a platonic relationship.

What should I do? End it? We are supposed to be moving into new rented house in 12 days and have given notice on current property. I can't afford new place on my own.

Should I ask these women for the truth? I have nothing against them really, I know it's DP that's the arse. Should I warn them bout herpes??? I know he wouldn't mention it. I've had some horrendous attacks since DD born and this stress is not helping I don't think.

Advice please

Oh my God, you poor thing. First of all don't condemn yourself to no future because someone gave you a very common and usually well managed STI...as far as I know, attacks tend to diminish as time goes by and it may disappear altogether. It's not necessarily a life sentence.

Your self worth sounds very very low and I am so sorry for you. I think that you know this man is incredibly damaging to you and your children, (perhaps indirectly, but still) and that the sooner he is out of your life the better but you don't seem to feel you have any other option.

I think you ought to be getting angry with him, but at present just don't have the energy maybe - it is horrid to allow the floodgates to open and realise what a cock someone is and how badly they have been treating you.

Think...if this was your daughter and her partner was treating her like this, would you tell her to give him the benefit of the doubt? I don't think so

It sounds like you barely know anything about him. It's very easy to fall into a relationship with someone kind of blindly, trust me, a lot of us have done it but the important thing is to get him out of a position where he can continue to treat you like rubbish. Don't give him the option. There is NO RULE in the world to enforce you staying with this person - you owe him nothing - even if he has access to your children, you never have to let him in your house, bed or body again, isn't that empowering? His problems can stay his, without implicating you in any way.

it sounds like your family will be great about it if you leave him...please do it as soon as you can, because the anger/resentment/trauma will increase as time goes by. Another tip which worked well for me was to keep very lighthearted, laugh it off, if he tries to convince you to let him back...'Really? I don't think it will work...what did you do that was so bad? Do you want me to write a list for you? ha ha!' Just keep on with the are you kidding sort of attitude, he will realise he is up against someone with support, confidence and who he cannot have any control over, and he will feck off with any luck.

Be polite, firm, friendly and repeat like a cracked record. And threaten to make him marry you if he wants to stay, that should help send him running

Keep posting, we are here for you x

Save face now and tell him that you're cutting him loose to do whatever he likes.

Sounds like he knows he should be doing the right thing by you since you've had his baby, but he's too immature/stupid/selfish to get his act together to start acting like a Dad and a faithful partner.

I'd tell him that he will always be a Dad to your baby (whatever he decides to do in that respect, don't hold your breath - although that said, some idiot partners go on to be good Dad's) so make it clear that you'll never block him access, BUT sever your ties now.

You sound really, really sensible and focused, so hang on to that. He may even respect you more for standing up to this abhorrent behaviour but at the very least, you'll hang onto your self respect by ending this relationship. You won't enjoy this precious time with your baby and young child if you're forever wondering about his infidelity.

Chuck him out and demand child support that will cover the rest of the rent.

L-lysine is an amino acid which may help to stop attacks of herpes/cold sores. I have cold sores and used it while breastfeeding. Like many things there is no proof it is safe while breastfeeding but there is no way to ethically test it. I made a decision based on weighing the risks of using it versus the risk of passing cold sores to my baby if I had an attack.

Have you decided what to do about your feckless idiot partner? I hope you have a good chat with your friend and get everything straight in your head. Everyone here is rooting for you.

Thanks mrs Terry, will look into that.
On the plus side DP has food poisoning, has been wretching his guts up all evening. I said it was karma
No major decisions made yet. Waiting for friend to come tomorrow. Feeling inclined to still move as current place not been suitable for while now, it's an ancient cottage with a few damp probs and a garden which isn't ideal for DS. Literally all the plants have thorns of some description. Various other things too, I love it but have just outgrown it.

I'm sorry but he is a cunt and he will never change. He will lie and cheat and you will become even more miserable. You need to think about yourself and your children and get this pathetic cock out of your life.

and how completely stupid of you to put yourself in a position where you are now tied to him for the rest of your childs life

I got herpes at seventeen from my first sexual partner. It's not always the end of the world, and it's treatable, and HVA (google it) is a great website full of advice and comfort. None of my subsequent partners has had any symptoms.

I can't advise on the cheating, though - I'm so sorry he's such a dick. I hope you get rid.

This man will never settle down, he has a wandering cock and one woman is not enough for him.

You will be far better off alone, look at an online calculator to calculate housing benefit as you are now entitled to a 3 bed and not a 2 bed.

Fabby, she won't be entitled to a 3 bed until oldest is 10, for HB purposes opposite sex DC can share til then.

The rest of your post though is, sadly, completely accurate.

And if he wont change, which he obviously has shown he wont, instead he is just being more sly about it then you do need to ditch him and move on with your life. By the sound of it he doesnt care about you or the little one, so move on and sort your own life out. You can do it alone, not easy but possible. We are strong. x

One woman just isn't enough - he needs to have loads of women fawning round him or he doesn't feel happy. It's an addiction - to attention.

It is awful but I think you should leave him because what is the alternative? Staying and knowing he'll always be up to something? You caught him once, gave him an ultimatum but it didn't stop. So it is extremely unlikely, almost impossibly unlikely that his behaviour will change. Don't cling to that - it will ruin your life.

I think you've answered your own question.

Your poor kids. Different dads, half siblings etc etc.

OP, you won't be the first to have two children with different Dads and you certainly won't be the last. Don't waste time fretting over this. A mistake has been made in the choice of men but the only good thing to come out of it is your beautiful baby.

Do the right thing by all of them by cutting this man out of your lives. Different Dad's or not, the sure way of keeping your self respect is to walk away from him. But the longer this drags on, the higher the likelihood that you'll find yourself in the same miserable position 5 years on. Do it. Now.

lovely please use these simple words you deserve better. believe because it is true.
yes he is/has probably had sex with other woman trying to arrange women to come to your hotel room doesnt sound like rookie stuff to me.
the herpes is irrelevant lots of people have it and its not a massive deal just a bit of a pain in the fango.
you cant change the past but you can change your future i echo the posters who say do it sooner rather than later. x

He is a cock lodger. Please have some better self esteem for your daughters sake than to put up with this crap, you're 8 weeks post baby and this is how he is treating you, this should be the honeymoon phase you should be being treated like royalty you've just had his baby FFs.

List the reasons why you would stay with him? What does he bring to the party? and then ask yourself really truly, if this is how he is behaving now do you really think he'll still be around after a couple of years when things in any relationship get hard. You deserve so much better. I think what's holding you back is the 2 dads herpes thing and really when you find someone who loves you properly and you will these will be non issues.

mememe how horrid. Everyone one makes mistakes. It's easy to do I hope your obviously perfect world is never shattered because with an attitude like that I doubt there would be many offering you sympathy and help.

oh and yes he's already effecting your mental health making you think you are paranoid and neurotic.