just to want for once, my DS to win, be noticed, be praised??

[tryingtobemarypoppins2]

As he has got older I have started to see it happen more and more, hurtfully among friends sometimes.

It can be little things like at a party someone has to be out as they are all winning etc.....so they choose DS.
Friends chatting about the children in our little group and they seem to find something fab about them all......forgetting DS.
DS is a donkey.....never Mary or Joseph

I see his face drop all the time, his confidence isn't great and I can see how easily knocked he is.

I can only see it getting worse when he goes to school :(

:(

I was one of those at school and in social situations. I got to be Mary once in the school play and all of the other parents kicked off!

Now though, I'm a solicitor and some of the people I went to school with are fuck all.......! grin]

He'll blossom and come into his oen. Don't worry.

Not totally sure what the answer is, except for you to step in and tell him how great he is and to speak up in front of your friends and remind them of something lovely about your ds. I don't think adults would do this on purpose. Do you think perhaps that you are very sensitive to this, so notice when your child seems left out, but don't notice when another child is left out, because it isn't yours. Not sure i explained that very well, but hopefully you will know what I mean.

:( How old is he?

Oh I'm glad he's not at school yet because I was just going to say, I'm sure it'll get much better.

Teachers (well, good ones anyway) tend to concentrate on slowly building confidence and self belief.

The difference can be amazing sometimes after just one term at school

The fact that you notice, that you give a shit, and that presumably you love him enough to give praise and encouragement means an awful lot more than some other kids' parents praising him. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely to be noticed but first and foremost every kid needs their parents' unquestioning, unconditional love - and it's clear your DS has that in spades. He'll blossom in his own time, just like A1980 says.

oh, that's really sad. Is there any way you can include him in conversations with your friends? That's one thing I would challenge them on, tbh. Or just add him in myself.

Who chooses him to be out? The children? Perhaps some adult intervention in choosing who is to be 'out' is in order. Or drawing straws, or some other 'blind' method, maybe?

And of course, praise him lots yourself as I am sure you do. Be the one to keep his confidence up as much as possible.

Or maybe work on getting a different circle of friends, one that doesn't exclude him.

(oh and my DS's confidence has really come on this past 6 months, we've done a lot of confidence building work and also his school is fab - his teacher told us that other kids like playing with him and I tell you I almost cried - so things can and do change.)

I really hope so as he has some fab talents appearing. He is only just 4. He can sing really well and make amazing music.
I am sensitive to it but more so because I can see that it bothers him :(
I have been dreading school as I know if he thinks he can't do something he gives up so easily.

DS is also just 4, he's at pre-school (at the school he'll go to next year if you see what I mean). The teachers are great at doing that slow-build thing, where they work out what makes each child tick to get them doing new stuff. My DS is incredibly sensitive to criticism/trying new things, quite shy and hates being away from me - yet at school he's doing all sorts of new things, has made loads of friends and loves it. It's not inevitable that your son will struggle.

I spent the past 6 months like I said doing loads of new things, groups and activities with DS, especially some of those I knew he'd find challenging - but doing it in a supportive way, letting him not get involved in groups if, for example, he felt shy. I also went out and made some new 'mummy' friends and we socialised a lot more (I was on maternity leave so had the time). We also walked past his school every day and talked about what it would be like, and we talk a lot about how it's OK to feel shy, how it's hard doing new stuff.

What I also do when he freaks out about a new thing is gently remind him of a past success. Eg. we went to a party and he didn't want to do musical statues. So I danced with him and he won it. Next party he didn't want to take part in another game (a new one for him), so I said OK but remember how you didn't want to play musical statues and then you did, and then you won? So he took part in the new game...

Lots of gentle praise (not over the top), lots of reassurance (everyone feels shy sometimes), lots of new activities/friends and never forcing him to do anything - it has worked. He is a different boy.

Aww a lot of kids are like that...but they work in groups selected by the teachers to suit them, so I'm sure he'll give up giving up!

Honestly, some kids start reception unable to talk properly....then by the end of the school year you can hardly recognise them (or shut them up!)

Thanks for fab and helpful replies. I like the idea of walking past the school and talking about feelings etc. Good idea!
WorraLiberty I should really give him more credit and remind myself he will be fine. I think I am also panicing about the whole starting school thing as a mummy! The whole pick up thing, "my child is on reading book 208 what is your child on?? My child has been invited to x party, has yours??"

I am worrying too much I know....!

tryingtobemarypoppins2, you're a lovely Mum. He'll be fine. Try not to show your anxiety.

Ahhh thank you, I could be a better mum! I will try to relax ;)