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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel bitter that DP took so long...

35 replies

Beaverfeaver · 26/11/2011 15:15

...to pop the question?

Been together 11 years now. He asked me to marry him about 18 months ago now.
I always knew he would eventually, just took longer than I would have liked. Obviously I am over the moon that he did ask me and we are getting married in 6 months time.
But sometimes I get horrible feelings/thoughts creep into my mind when other aquaintances(not friends) get engaged in a much shorter time than us, and then again when they have a shorter engagement (ours is over 2 years at the request of DP, I would have had it sooner).
It was hard enough to get him to book it then and he would have been quite happy for it to have been 3 years if he could, and it was actually the vicar in the end who told him that it's not a great idea to have such a long engagement.

I feel like I am a horrible person for thinking this way, and I know DP thinks I am mental for getting annoyed that other people get round to these things much quicker, and says that I am being competitive about it, but it's not that I'm unhappy at other people doing it, it really is just that I still feel bitter that he took so long to ask and now I am waiting for a wedding to happen too.

Am I brig unreasonable to think like this and will I stop feeling bitter soon?

My next concern is that if he takes so long with this, will he want to wait another 10 years to start a family with me?
I have voiced this concern of mine o him and he says I am ring silly, but that he has no idea when he will be ready for children and I just have to accept that it could be 2, 5 or 7 year or how ever long it takes.

I wish I didn't worry about these things

OP posts:
Snorbs · 26/11/2011 15:19

If marriage in a certain timeframe was so important to you, why didn't you ask him?

grovel · 26/11/2011 15:22

I saw a stat somewhere that couples who take long time to get engaged are more likely to stay together.

Limited consolation?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 15:23

Dd you discuss marriage and children before he proposed? Or have you just waited in silence?

zookeeper · 26/11/2011 15:25

You've been together ten years. He says he doesn't know when he will be ready for children and you say that you just have to accept you may have to wait?

It doesn't sound the greatest or healthiest relationship tbh. I'd be worried about marrying him at all.

Ariesgirl · 26/11/2011 15:26

YABU. Why don't you exert some control over your life? You sound a 1950s wife who is unable to make decisions and take actions of her own. Why does he have to do everything? Goodness, if I waited around for my DH to do everything we would never go anywhere or do anthing.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 26/11/2011 15:27

You don't have to "just accept" anything. You need to decide if what you do and will have with him is worth the lack of the things you won't or may never have with him. If you desperately want children and KNOW this, you need to have a serious discussion with him, and sooner rather than later. Did he only propose to "shut you up" perhaps? Does he actually want to get married or is it just a way of placating you and maintaining his comfortable status quo? I think you're right to be concerned about the future and both your long term plans. If you don't have the same goals and dreams, there isn't a lot of point tying youselves together :-S

FredFredGeorge · 26/11/2011 15:27

Run away now

(I'm talking to DP if he reads this)

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 15:27

How old are you Beaver?

ChristinedePizanne · 26/11/2011 15:27

Where's your power in this relationship? It doesn't sound as if you have any at all :(

LittleLucifer · 26/11/2011 15:27

Hi Beaver. Hmm, I can see why you feel how you do. Do you feel like he really does want to marry you? Is he enthusiastic about it or just accepting of his fate?

Someone close to me was/is in this situation. In particular, she felt very resentful of other people who had been together for much less time who were then getting engaged and then married only 6 months later. I think she felt that it seemed so much more of a proper 'love story' than hers. After 10 years together you know all the good and bad stuff about it other and it seems so fake to be excited and over the moon about getting married. Much less romantic in terms of fairytale material.

BUT

Having attended the weddings of couples with lots of history and couples with a couple of years behind them.....I've felt much more emotional about the long-term couples and enjoyed their weddings far more. More people tend to know both the bride and the groom and each other because of the events you've met at over the years.

And congratulations! Grin

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 15:28

I agree it doesn't sound great that he wont give any idea of when he want children...what if you encounter problems concieving? If you are 30 plus I woud be seriously thinking about the future.

CupOfGoodCheer · 26/11/2011 15:38

"he says I am ring silly, but that he has no idea when he will be ready for children and I just have to accept that it could be 2, 5 or 7 year or how ever long it takes."

That doesn't sound good at all... May I ask how old you are? You could be sitting around wasting the best reproductive years of your life waiting for him to decide when he's ready. What if he's never ready?

I think you have to have a really long look at whether you are both as committed tbh.

TangerinePuppet · 26/11/2011 15:42

18 years and counting here Hmm

Original poster
Beaverfeaver · 26/11/2011 16:18

He does get quite excited about the wedding planning when it's happening and is playing a decent part in helping and choosing things.

We got together very young. Have lived together since 19. Will be 27 when married, so not yet cutting it fine fertility wise. Which is why I expected a bit of a wait. We discussed marriage and children throughout our whole relationship and have usually been in same place.

I do agree that it sounds very controlling for him to be making all the decisions. He even started getting a bit picky over wedding things and so I now refer to him as 'Groomzilla'!
I was quite happy with a small cheap quiet wedding, but he wants to go all out and have the church and big party. His excuse is that you are only going to do it once, (hopefully) so better be done right.
Most of the time we have the same taste in everything, so decision making isn't a problem. I thought he might be a problem when t comes to booking the honeymoon as he wants to splash out on a fancy 5* trip far far away, but I don't like flying and dont want to slend more than i have budgeted so have said that it will have to be somewhere closer to home.

We are very equal usually. I know his personality well and that means that he doesn't do my thing without careful consideration and until fully ready. I just don't want to end up begging him to have a baby with me when I get past 30 because he ends up deciding he doesn't want them until he is 35 or something.

I have expressed this concern with him and he says that I have nothing to worry about. It's just not something on his mind now. Which I understand. He is a man after all and lives for the now.
I on the other hand think about everything all the time and can't seem to stop

OP posts:
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 16:22

Well you don't necassarily live for the now just because you're a man you know.

I think it's a bit worrying that he won't give you a ballpark time for baby though.....I mean what difference does it make really? If yo want kids you want them....unless he has his career and financial life planned to within an inch of his life, he has no reason to keep denying you a time to plan for.

Is he a good earner? Do you own a house?

thisisyesterday · 26/11/2011 16:23

you know what, i don't think you are being unreasonable

you read stories about women who get married to men who "don't know" when they might want kids... years go by and then it's too late.

IMO if having kids is very important to you then this really ought to be a dealbreaker. how will you feel if, in 5 years time, he turns round and says "actually, I don't ever want children"?

you need to get this sorted out before you get married. I'm not saying that people ought to have the date of conception all planned out and written in stone, but "not knowing" is really unfair on you.

I think that you are feeling bitter for a reason, a reason that isn't obvious from your post. but maybe you don't feel like he actually wants this? perhaps you are very worried that he doesn't want kids? I don't know...

you don't have to accept anything you know. you can call it off and find someone who DOES want to marry you and DOES want kids

Original poster
Beaverfeaver · 26/11/2011 16:38

He is a good earner and we own our house (mortgaged).

He says he wants children eventually, just not sure when and he says that he would want to move house to a smaller. Ullage (closer to my parents) and larger before we have a baby.
I Would be quite happy staying in current house for years and he knows that. I dont ever want to overstrech ourselves finalicially as we struggled when we bought our first place being native 19 year olds and thinking that we had plenty of earnings to do so when we obviously didn't, and spent a few years not going out or doing anything whilst all of our friends were at uni or travelling and having lots of fun.

I never regret the struggle we went through, although at the time I would have. Without doing it we would have never been in the position with our current house. And we are both enjoying not struggling and making up for lost time with going out and having a few holidays.

This is the reason I want to be as careful as possible with wedding costs and although he is the main earner, I have set the budget.

OP posts:
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 26/11/2011 16:47

There's your sticking point. He envisions a larger home and a move...you don't.

If I were you I would ask him to settle plans to move by a certain year....and have a baby the year after...that's sensible....first make a financial plan of how you will manage this...see a financial advisor...unless you want to stay where you are? Then you will have to discuss that with him.

dreamingbohemian · 26/11/2011 16:50

Well first of all, I think YANBU. Basically it sounds like you have been ready to get married and start thinking about children, while he is not only not ready but not been willing to give you any idea of when he might be. Of course that's going to bother you.

And personally, I think it's odd to want to be engaged for three years.

You also seem to have different attitudes toward money, which could become a big problem.

On the plus side, at least he is being honest in saying he doesn't know when he will be ready for kids. That gives you the opportunity to decide whether you want to accept that.

I don't think it's fair to make him commit to an exact date. But for example, if you don't want to have kids later than 32, and he can't commit to that, then you have some serious thinking to do.

maybenow · 26/11/2011 16:54

i can't tell how old you are from what you say... but it sounds like you might still be in your 20s? if so then i totally understand why he might not have felt ready to marry till now.. (i married at 34)

but, having children will not wait indefinitely... i think you need to be honest before you marry about your timescale... do you want to have children before you're 30? 35? you need to be honest with him about the latest you'd be ok with and state it now and strongly before you end up married to somebody who doens't have the same future in mind.

TheOriginalFAB · 26/11/2011 16:56

DH asked me to marry him when we had been together for 2 years and 10 months and we got married 9 months after that. He didn't want to propose until he had qualified in his profession and had something to offer me Grin. I would have married him within months tbh. I actually asked him the day he asked me out if he ever wanted to get married and have kids so I knew he did. Knowing when we would have kids wasn't an issue as I knew he wanted them and we conceived DC1 on our 1st wedding anniversary.

I think you need to talk as these are big issues, wedding, bigger home, kids and it all seems to be when he wants them and you have to wait.

DH and I were both ready for baby one at the same time but he wanted baby 2 sooner than me. Compromise is fine but waiting 2 years to get married is quite a long time and unnecessarily long imo.

didldidi · 26/11/2011 16:58

so if he's so excited why did he want to wait three years?

CupOfGoodCheer · 26/11/2011 16:59

I think its fair enough to ask him to give you a ballpark for kids, say 30, or 32, whatever. At least then you can plan a little bit, and it also means you won't be "pestering" him, as he probably sees it.

My DB and SIL were in this position for about 7 years. She was itching to get married and have kids, and whilst he was fully committed to her, he just wasn't ready. He eventually said he saw 30 as being the benchmark. They got married just after his 30th birthday and now he's 32 and they've just had DC1.

There's nothing wrong in waiting while you've got time, as long as you are SURE you won't be ultimately let down.

SmethwickBelle · 26/11/2011 17:01

Congratulations Grin Given his form I think you want to get a commitment out of him sooner rather than later about when you start trying for a baby.

DumSpiroSpero · 26/11/2011 17:02

I can understand why you're having reservations but believe a quick engagement doesn't necessarily come off the back of a 'real' love story - there are plenty of other reasons for people rushing headlong into rings and bells that won't stand up in the long term.

With the wedding costs - perhaps as he feels you've (both of you) waited so long to get married and have got through the early years of struggling with mortgage at a young age you deserve a bit of a treat.

The children thing is a bit more worrying - as dreamingbohemian says you probably need to set a rough timescale on that one, but I think it's lovely that he wants to move closer to your family before you have one of your own.

You definitely need to have a long chat though I think.