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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting my boyfriend's ex to be in his life?

24 replies

ConnorCamden · 26/11/2011 08:05

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. It hasn't been long but we both know this is forever. From November 2010 to June 2011 he was with this girl, who we will call Lucy. They had been online friends for 4 years before deciding to meet up and started going out. He fell in love with her, she said she loved him too. Yet in those 7 months, they never had sex. She didn't want to. She wasn't a virgin, he was. Once they split up, he discovered she had never split up with her previous boyfriend and was actually engaged to him the whole time she was seeing my bf. As you can imagine, bf was very very hurt. You would think that he would want nothing to do with her. However, he got very depressed and the only person he could rely on was, oddly enough, Lucy. Me and BF have now been together 3 months and he stills talks to her online, she phones him occasionally, they chat on facebook. I know he is completely over her, but they are still friends. I tried to not let it bother me, but she texts when I'm with him "Are you with her?" "Text me me when shes gone" (BF is very open with me and shows me any texts off her). I know nothing is going on between them. It's obvious she is trying to split us up. well guess what hunny, that aint gonna happen!

Am I being unreasonable to not want her in his life?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 26/11/2011 08:10

How old are you all? Frankly you sound about 15.
FIW, I do think he should ditch her, she sounds very controlling. But to talk about him being in love with her and now you, he sounds fickle.

RedHelenB · 26/11/2011 08:14

Take a step back - if it's meant to be then it will be.

Tbh, if he was 100% sure about you I doubt he would feel the need to still talk to her

Original poster

ConnorCamden · 26/11/2011 08:18

I'm in my early 20s. What has my age got to do with anything?

OP posts:

MorelliOrRanger · 26/11/2011 08:22

He's not over her if he's still that dependant on her.

She does sound a bit of a bitch though.

my2centsis · 26/11/2011 08:26

if she hurt him that much and was over her he wouldn't have anything to do with her.. sorry

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 26/11/2011 08:27

So she lied to him and cheated on him for the whole time they were together. They never had sex because she didn't want to. And he's still in touch with her three months into a new relationship and showing you messages from her saying 'text me when she's gone'?

Yes. He really sounds 'completely over her.'

Showing you those texts isn't being 'completely open' it's, at best, showing he has no sense of how inappropriate the situation is.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 26/11/2011 08:30

Why don't you reply back on his behalf next time she texts?

My answer would be:

Hi Lucy. Yes I am here, in bed with him & riding him like Seasbiscuit. He can't talk, he's got his mouth full. What a shame you missed out on all of this. Isn't your fiance wondering where you are. Got to go, about to orgasm x x x

Try that?

Kayzr · 26/11/2011 08:32

Binfullofmaggots that is brilliant!

MissMogwi · 26/11/2011 08:32

binfullofmaggots

GloriaTheHighlyFlavouredLady · 26/11/2011 08:36

LOL. Was going to say grow up, 3 of my exes came to my wedding and one is godfather to my son, but actually it looks like it is your bf that needs to grow up. He is still emotionally dependent on this girl and I would leave him until he can convince you that he no longer is.

MrsWembley · 26/11/2011 08:36

I'm sorry, have to agree, you do sound very young, all of you. This sort of thing is very immature and not what goes on in a proper, committed relationship. My DP was still very good friends with his ex when I started seeing him, but neither of them behaved like this. Tell him to tell her to stop being so daft and tell him the same.

Honestly!

coccyx · 26/11/2011 08:43

I imagine you will be on jeremy Kyle in a few months

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 26/11/2011 08:45

Hopefully not pregnant though coccyx? Then he'll probably get down on one knee and propose too, with Jezza and the crowd booing!

My recommendation was purely "oral".

mumofthreekids · 26/11/2011 08:49

"It hasn't been long but we both know this is forever" - that puts a lot of pressure on a new relationship. Why not just chill out and see how it goes?

nokissymum · 26/11/2011 08:59

"It hasn't been long but we both know this is forever"

OP, based on your current situation this is your conclusion ? Mind boggles

iscream · 26/11/2011 09:09

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45

ConnorCamden I think you use Binfuls excellent idea.

iscream · 26/11/2011 09:17

Or you could say to him that he being friends with someone who used him that way, makes it kind of difficult to respect him,,,and you think you should have some time apart. To call you if and when he is ready to devote himself to you.

Thing is, you want it to be his decision, if it is forced, he may still be thinking of her.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 26/11/2011 09:21

Honestly, he doesn't sound over her. Think about it, she's hurt him and he's still "friends" with her. She does sound a total cow and without wanting to sound a cow myself, if I was you I'd feel like a "for now" girlfriend- he's in contact with this girl in the hope she'll dump her bloke to be with him again.

Flummoxed as to why you're bothering tbh. Having said that I too love Binful's ingenious suggestion and wish I'd thought of that myself when in a similar situation

slowestwildebeast · 26/11/2011 12:33

This has to be a joke? Showing you the messages is ridiculous, if he's with you why is he even responding? He sounds immature and insecure, tell him you're not interested in her stupid texts and neither should he, it's almost like he's showing off, 'oh no, she's texting me again'. Weird. Hope you figure it out though.

Pagwatch · 26/11/2011 12:52

Showing you the messages isn't being open. It is childish.

You sound astonishingly immature, all three of you.

I would just back off and tell him that when he is ready to be in a proper grown up relationship then you would be interested. But while he is mooning over a girl who is toting with him to make bit of you look really stupid, you would rather just keep it all light and very un-serious.

ElmoFan · 26/11/2011 13:12

well said Pag

op take a step back and tell your dp how this is making you feel .

ImperialBlether · 26/11/2011 13:16

You need to rephrase your question. It should be:

"AIBU to not want a boyfriend who still has a relationship with his ex?"

theincredibequeenofwands · 26/11/2011 13:49

I'd leave him and let him get on with it.

He's not over her. He sounds completely emotionally dependent on her. He needs to break contact to get over her which won't happen unless he wants it to.

3 months is no time, it doesn't sound like it's forever - sorry. Go out with someone else.

sheragim6 · 26/11/2011 14:05

hi there
the only advice is to b very strict to this and make sure everything is finished between them.unless you will b in doubt always even there is nothing. sometimes women keep a man for long time to insure they wont b alone if they split up later with their fiance or bf or.....

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