To really not get why my fil just carries on as if oblivious to the chaos and misery that he has caused for years.

[oflip]

He has led my mil a dogs life.
useless with money, completely self centred, selfish couldn give a fuck about anyone else attitude.
Got them in so much debt that they ahve almost been repossessed more than once.
Mil tells stories that have litterally made my toenails curl.

FIL commands zero respect from any of his family. They are not rude, not confrontational at all with him, they are quiet people really.
Yet he carries on as if nothing has ever happened, no shame, no explanations, no appologies.

MIL's 60th, he came home with a card (with 49p on the back of it) in one hand for her and a DVD player that also records for himself.
That was all she got for her 60th, we asked hm if he would like to contribute to sending her to Wimbledon...and he has contributed FA.

They are still married, she tolerates him, but he is quite happy, carrying on life happily really as if nothing has happened.

I know, i know, its nowt to do with me, but jeez, talk about shoving stuff under the carpet. I am gobsmacked when she tells me stuff and want to say to her "why are you still with the man" but OBV i dont comment, it wouldnt be right to.
Dont some people tolerate such allot in their lives

My SIL is in a similar situation to your MIL i cant stand the slimy little toad, she complains bitterly about him, i seethe and sympathise until the next crisis comes along, which it always does. All i can surmise is that she wants to stay with him. I dont know about your mils circumstances, but mine could leave him-if she REALLY wanted to.

You do realise your MIL "allows" him to behave like this?

sorry, meant my SIL, not MIL.

yes, i think its a generational thing, thats what you do when you are married, you put up with all the shite that they throw at you in her eyes.

I dont think that has has ever even considered leaving him.
Its a shame. When she looks back at her life, all she has ever done is scraped and skimped and been scared of the doorbell going, and waiting for his next great fuckwit spectacular extraordinair ball drop.

And this is your business because?

what do you want to happen? them to split up so you and dh can 'look after' mil? be careful what you wish for
a big row could have all sorts of consequences for tehwhole family

I'd say to mil 'please stop telling me things that FIL has done wrong unless you need help changing the situation'

I have an Aunt that lives like your MIL. It's beyond me how she can do it, because she actually comes across as a very strong and confident person. But I love her so put up with him, if he can be arse to get out of bed and join us. I don't think I will ever understand.

I know exactly how you feel, my Auntie is married to the worlds biggest prick - He has had numerous affairs, including one with a girl who had the same name as my cousin and another girl who was the same age as her! He walks around like he owns the place and looks down his nose at everyone because he doesn't think anybody knows about what he has done - Well everybody does!

My Grandad died 18 years ago not speaking to him and I fear the same will happen to my Nan, he is a pathetic, skint alcoholic who has never amounted to much but continues to drag my beautiful, meek + mild aunt down with him - To say he makes my blood boil is an understatement!

We try so hard to look after her, she has even left him before now but they just seem to have this very very strange relationship, she almost relies on him - She was married to a man before him who died, back then she was seen as damaged goods and she has always thought he was doing her a favour by marrying her - What a joke! His own parents disowned him!

But as has already been said, it is not really our business and she has her reasons for staying, plus she is of the generation that thinks staying with your husband is the only option - Such a sad sad state of affairs, she is always telling us she thnks he is cheating again and even has us following him in our cars to see where he is going because she doesn't believe when he says he is working - As I write this I am pretty much shaking that is how much he winds me up

The problem we have is that if we want to spend any time with her, he has to come - So this year he is going to be there for Christmas dinner - The thought of it makes me very sad, this will be my sons first proper Christmas where he will be excited and happy and I just know Uncle-Dickwad will ruin it for him! He cant help but pass comments on everything we do or say as a whole family - I actually do hate him

But where do you go from there? Nowhere really, it is a case of grinning and bearing it and saying things like "Oh, is that right?" or "Oh well that didnt really work out for you did it?" and being as passively agressive as I can manage across a turkey!

You've answered your question yourself with 'completely self centred, selfish couldn give a fuck about anyone else attitude'.

He honestly doesn't think the way he's behaved is wrong, maybe because nobody's forced him to account for himself?

It'd be easy to pass it off as your MIL must be getting something from the relationship or she'd have left before now, but lots of people stay in abusive relationships for years without having the confidence to escape to a happier life.

I agree it's not your business, but that's not saying you can't stop and wonder WTF though.

I never ever comment, i just listen but in my head im thinking "WT actual F".

I also beleive that is is just a way of life for them now, its so accepted and engrained.
Only comfort is that what comes around goes around and i think that he will get his at some point in this life.

The one good thing that has come out of it, is that my DH is adamant to not be anything like his dad. He has learned from his dads mistakes.