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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DP is being a gigantic hypocrite?

31 replies

StealthPenguin · 25/11/2011 09:19

OK, this will be long and will cover several incidents. Bear with me.

Yesterday he was up with DS at 6am, so when I came down at half past 8 he decided to go to sleep on the sofa, and then slope off upstairs for a two-hour nap. Today I was up at 2:45am with DS because he had a bad dream and had lost his dummy, so lots of cuddles and rocking. I then couldn't get back to sleep so stayed up and did the ironing until DS woke up properly at 6am again (normally it's until 7, so I don't know where the lost hour has gone!). Cue me feeding, playing and changing him until 8:45am when I decide that enough is enough, I need more sleep. I go up and DP is sort of stirring, so I pop DS on the bed and he starts playing with him. I join in, and then after 15 minutes just can't go on anymore and lie my head on the pillow.

"What do you think you're doing?"
"Sleeping"
"Why?"
"Because I've been awake since 2:45am and I'm blood shattered."
"Oh, that's fucking nice. Just dump the baby on me so you can get some bloody rest. Not much of a fucking lie in for me then! Right, I'd better get up then, even though I'm in work later on a fucking night shift..."

I tuned out at this point.

Firstly - this isn't the first time he's given me a hard time about needing more sleep
Secondly - isn't this exactly what he did the day before? "Dump" the baby so he could get more sleep?!
Thirdly - his "night shift" means he'll be back at 10:30pm, and he's regularly awake until gone midnight playing on his XBOX, so it's his own bloody fault if he's tired IMO!

Which brings me to the second point. Every time I suggest something - going out for a coffee, popping to the shops, talking DS for a walk around any of the 5 surrounding towns, he complains that I'm wasting money. He's trying to save. He doesn't understand why I absolutely have to spend money all the time. And then the same night he gives me this humungous lecture about wasting petrol and money and trying to save, he waltzes in and says "Look! I bought the new Lego Harry Potter game! It was only £35 and it comes with a free Lego set!" Angry

His argument was that it's his money that he works hard for, it's his way of an apology for the earlier argument and it's something I'd play as well (which I would, to be fair)

He's a brilliant dad, and a really lovely DP. But everyone has their faults, and his utter hypocrisy is killing me! I've tried to sit him down and talk about it but he acts like I'm the bad guy and we end up fighting!

So go on, MN. Who is being unreasonable? Me or him? Do I tell him to grow the fuck up and deal with me needing sleep? Should I allow him to spend his money as he likes? And should I have just shut up after he said it was meant as an apology?

I'm guessing the answers are "No", but I'm really not sure. He always seems to make very valid points towards things like this...

OP posts:
Gigondas · 25/11/2011 09:25

On the money and gift thing it's probably right as is his money- but are you working? If not then I think he is being a bit unreasonable to be like that about reasonable expenditure (ie odd coffee or trip out).

On sleep he is being a twit - but I think sleep deprivation rarely brings out best In anyone. Also on playing on Xbox maybe he needs some time to wind down before sleeping? Also I know it's hard to drop back to sleep (it's one of those things I hadn't banked on before dd) but could you not have chilled on sofa /watched tv rather than do jobs. That way are getting some rest rather than being done in for later (not that I am saying it wasn't fair for dp to help).

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 25/11/2011 09:27

As you suspected no YANBU. My dh always complains he is tired but rarely comes to bed before midnight.

I would suggest you keep a little diary of all these things. Nothing worse than trying to confront a hypocritical man with half remembered examples.

Grumpla · 25/11/2011 09:29

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Write out a nap rota when you get his shifts.

Even if you're not working, his wage is not
"his money", it's "family income". You need to cover your expenditure and have the same disposable income each. You can spend yours on coffees, cakes, whatever - he can spend his on computer games. Simple.

BettyBum · 25/11/2011 09:30

I think he should have let you get some sleep.

It's not nice that he thinks of it as being "dumped on"

Working til 10:30pm is NOT a night shift. Hmm

Couples always fight about money IMO.

Grumpla · 25/11/2011 09:30

Mind you, YABU to do ironing. I never iron. Saves loads of time and everything I wear is covered in snot / porridge within ten minutes of me getting dressed anyway so not a major impact on my personal appearance having a few creases here and there Grin

ChitChattingElf · 25/11/2011 09:31

Well firstly, it's not 'his' money, it's both of your money. Unless it's coming out of his portion of 'completely up to you how you spend' amount of the money, in which case you would have one as well, you BOTH get a say in how it is spent.

So yes, very hypocritical re the money.

Re sleeping - what a completely prat (sorry). Of course you need sleep. Your sanity and the safety of your DS requiress you to get as much sleep as he can. INCREDIBLY hypocritical!

TBH with little children, anything beyond 7 am is considered a sleep in in our house!!! (And for others its about 5.00 am so I know how bloody lucky I am Smile).

So yes, he needs to grow the fuck up and shut the fuck up. Grin.

BettyBum · 25/11/2011 09:33

Personally I think XBOXs are a ridiculous waste of time energy and money but that probably me BVU! Grin

StealthPenguin · 25/11/2011 09:34

I don't work, no. And to be honest I think he could be a bit more forgiving!

Sorry, bit of a backstory: we currently live with his parents. It's the back end of fucking beyond. Where I used to live there was a train station within walking distance to take you to any of the local cities, there was a town with a lovely highstreet just 15 minutes walk from where I was and I had several friends in the area that I could visit. I now live in a row of six houses in the middle of nowhere, with nowhere to go because it's on a main road, there are no bus services that I can take and the nearest one is a 25 minute walk uphill (you're having a laugh, especially with my buggy!), I have no friends in the area who are in the same position as me and all of the towns, shops, cafes etc are at least a 20 minute drive. And I don't drive.

So essentially, it's either me and him with the baby stuck in the house, or me and baby stuck in the house while he goes to work. MIL and PIL are brilliant but they have their own jobs, their own life and are very fond of sport so they tend to go to all of the Home games and most of the Aways too.

I just feel completely lost and rejected - like I'm cut off from the world. I'm turning to Mumsnet and Facebook a lot because it's pretty much the only contact to the outside world I have. My friends have decided to stop replying to my texts so I'm just a bit sad. :(

OP posts:
StealthPenguin · 25/11/2011 09:35

I didn't mean for this to become a drip-fed, ranty sad-sack arselickey thread that has me whining about how pitiful my life is. Sorry! When I let it out I tend to let it all out in one go...

OP posts:
putyourhatonsweetie · 25/11/2011 09:39

hello

sleep and money. two pretty bloody serious things!

I agree gigondas sleep deprivation can bring out the worst in people!

on money - dh and I spend very differently - I fritter on coffee and lipstick and silly presents. he won't spend anything for ages and will then splurge of something (I think is) daft. we found that the only way we could stop picking on each other for this was to pool all money into a joint account (regardless of who was earning most) the joint account pays bills, savings, the children's clothes, rent etc. and at the beginning of the month we each get equal pocket money. Thus I can have coffee guilt free and he can buy shit stuff guilt free. Naturally when times are good there is plenty of pocket money...when (like now) only one of us is working we get a fairly pitiful amount...but it is something that is definitely our own. The other nice thing about this is that when we buy each other something it is out of our pocket money....rather than just splurging from the joint account without mutual consent!

good luck x

putyourhatonsweetie · 25/11/2011 09:44

Oh Stealth, I was typing and have just read your second part. Gosh, no wonder things are getting you down. Lots of empathy here - have just moved to dh's home country where i only know his family (did live with them for a while too).

I think I know what it is like to feel lost and I really hope that you find your way again soon.

StealthPenguin · 25/11/2011 09:47

I've just always been a very independent person and I hate the feeling of uselessness that I've got right now - can't go anywhere without DP's permission and assistance!

OP posts:
StealthPenguin · 25/11/2011 09:50

Well, he's apologized in his own very crap way, so I'm going to drawl upstairs to have a nice long nap. Possibly with my hot water bottle. :o

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 25/11/2011 09:57

tbh, I'd go on the attack

"Excuse me, how is me having a lie in today different to you having one yesterday while I dealt with the baby? Are you more deserving of sleep than I am?"

"Sorry? So I am not entitled to spend money on x, y, z, but it's ok for you to have gone out last thursday and spent money on 1,2,3? Why do you feel that I am not entitled to spend money but you are?"

You can't let someone get away with such double standards. Make him justify himself!

Either he'll see what a tit he is being and change, or you will learn something about his pov re who's entitled to what and why!

irnbruguzzler · 25/11/2011 09:57

He isnt a brilliant dad or a loving dp, stop kidding yourself.

SetFiretotheRain · 25/11/2011 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThereGoesTheFear · 25/11/2011 10:08

YANBU. The very idea that he gets to sleep when he's tired but you don't?? And don't get me started on the fact that he sees the family's money as his that he can dole out when he's feeling benevolent?? You are both working. You're doing a bloody important and hard job being a SAHP. Who's paying you for that?

Once essentials are paid for, all 'spending' money earned should be shared. And the thing about the game is bullshit. He was a shit to you so to say sorry he bought himself a game?? And although you didn't choose it, he'll let you play with it and you should be grateful. Good grief, this man is a selfish child.

WhatAboutMeMeMe · 25/11/2011 10:11

why cant two grown adults devise a plan to cope with one small child

shakes head and wanders away

ThereGoesTheFear · 25/11/2011 10:35

That's not really what it's about, WhatAboutMe

fuzzynavel · 25/11/2011 10:49

can't go anywhere without DP's permission and assistance!

Do you have to get his permission to go out? grrr

OP, he sounds like a childish demanding overbearing twit to be honest.

How old are you?

Are you saving for your own place?

samandi · 25/11/2011 13:17

Since when was working until 10.30 p.m. a "night shift"? LMAO!

StealthPenguin · 25/11/2011 14:56

FuzzyNavel - generally I do. I have to ask him to take me somewhere, and if he says no then there isn't really much I can do about it. Like I said, it's a 20-minute drive to the nearest town, so god-knows how long it'll take to walk it with a buggy.

And these really are the only issues I have with him. Full stop. He's loving, attentive, caring... I could list his good qualities until the cows come home, but the hypocrisy is something that really grates on me.

We've sat down and discussed things, and he's apologized for being quite so knobbish. He also said sorry for apologizing in the most pathetic terms ever earlier, and for his "buying-the-game" apology too. He's going to make more of an effort to take me out places, even if it's just for a coffee :)

OP posts:
StealthPenguin · 25/11/2011 14:57

And I'm nearly 22, and we're trying to find a place of our own together. As soon as we get our own place things are changing - it doesn't help that we live with his parents, as his Mum will just take his side regardless of what's gone on.

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 25/11/2011 15:20

Stealth, are there no baby and toddler groups near you? Could you learn to drive?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/11/2011 16:04

I used to work 7pm-7am, that is a night shift. When I changed to 1pm-11pm it was an evening shift. In our place I would be moving heaven and earth to move out.

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