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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being honest about death with my 4 yr old DD

25 replies

cantpooinpeace · 24/11/2011 20:58

school rang today to say she had been upset at lunch. She'd said she was worried her friends would die because her Aunt (not real aunt) and her friend's baby brother died.

We talked about why they died but not in great detail & she hasn't ever told us she was worried about peole dying. She also told the teacher that she'd been having nightmares about it but I haven't seen this in her at all as she has been settled as usual at night.

I work in end of life care and sometimes chat to colleagues in her company about work but nothing heavy.

I feel awful that she's been worried and now wonder if I should have hidden it all from her. I feel that if she doesn't know about these things though that it could be even harder to process in later years.

She's been totally fine since she came home and we talked briefly about why she was upset and I reassured her again without going too deep.
What next? Not sure where to go with the situation but feel like a really bad mum for being honest with her as she is a sensitive soul.

Would appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:

Besom · 24/11/2011 21:03

No I think she would have found it more scary and confusing if you hadn't been honest with her.

Original poster

cantpooinpeace · 24/11/2011 21:05

My gut instinct was always to be honest without too much depth. Now I'm questioning if I've unecessarily exposed her to death.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 24/11/2011 21:06

I remember my ds1 being very worried that he/we would die after my Dad died. He was five. My sister's suggestion was to explain that children hardly ever die so there is really no need to worry. My own little dd died last month and my ds4 who is three seems very clingy atm so not sure if he's wondering if I'm going to vanish too.

DodieSmith · 24/11/2011 21:07

YANBU

CheeseandGherkins · 24/11/2011 21:09

Far better to be honest in my opinion. People die, it does happen and it's better they know I think. My daughter was stillborn last December so my dcs had to deal with losing their sister which was, and still is, very difficult. At the time my ds1 was 7, ds2 was almost 4 and dd1 was almost 9. Ds2 understands even though he was only 3 and talks about her and the way he felt her kicking inside me. He has memories of her short time with us, as do the older ones.

I find that children in general are very straight talking and say what they think and feel which is good too. My dcs are also quite sensitive and do find it hard but I didn't have any choice other than to tell them as I was 37 weeks at the time and we were all ready for her to be born.

Arachnophobic · 24/11/2011 21:09

Hugs chip monkey I am so sorry for your loss.

Original poster

cantpooinpeace · 24/11/2011 21:10

We are best friends with the family who's baby boy unfortunately died so there's no escaping it. Ironically his big brother has taken it in his stride and has never been too distressed about it. It's made me realise how differently we all cope. Maybe I need to be more careful with my words.

Chip I'm genuinly sorry to hear about your DD, that must be so painful xxx.

OP posts:

Arachnophobic · 24/11/2011 21:10

And cheese

Original poster

cantpooinpeace · 24/11/2011 21:13

Cheese - another baby girl gone, so sorry to hear that - such painful & challenging times xxx.

OP posts:

mrsboombastic · 24/11/2011 21:15

Chip monkey I am so sad to hear about your dd, i cannot possibly imagine what your going through and what a confusing time for your other children. OP yanbu, its better to be open and honest ,whenever a child is faced with death it will be a scary and confusing time for them but inevitably they will be exposed to It and better to prepare them now. 4 seems a reasonable age to begin to get her head around it.

mrsboombastic · 24/11/2011 21:18

And hugs to you cheese.

Hardgoing · 24/11/2011 21:21

Even if you prepare them and talk honestly, children can get a 'thing' for certain issues at this age and it may just be beyond what she can understand. I don't think you have done the wrong thing, but it may still be the case that your daughter is a bit upset, she may also want to be upset about the baby she knew and tell someone like the teacher. Surely it is normal to be upset, and for that to happen at school, it's good she told them about it and means you can now chat about it with her too.

To all those who are coping with the loss of babies right now, Chip, Cheese, I am so sorry.

Original poster

cantpooinpeace · 24/11/2011 21:22

Thanks Hard, that makes sense actually :)

OP posts:

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 24/11/2011 21:23

chipmonkey I am so sad to hear that. Hugs and more hugs.

When our DS1 saw a pic of him as a baby with his Great Grandma, he asked who she was. I told him and said that she had died now. (was completely unprepared for the question).

I told him (5) that when people die they turn into stars and that's what the stars are. I just wanted him to not think of it in detail and didn't want him to worry about what will / would happen and the loss of anyone or that we all will eventually go. It's not something (imo) a 5 year old needs to know about. I didn't want to open up a can of worms as it were.

However, each to their own and you've done what you thought was best and I'm sure you explained it carefully and sensitively.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 24/11/2011 21:25

cheese too

chipmonkey · 24/11/2011 21:26

Thanks for your kind words. It is the worst thing that can happen but you just keep going. Cheese and I are on a lovely support thread and we pull each other along!

What I also meant to say is that ds4 did get a bit confused about Heaven and God and it transpired that he thought that Sylvie-Rose had gone to live in the Church with the local parish priest ( he thought the priest was God!) and some bloke called Kevin ( heaven!) Also, going to the grave caused confusion when dh said we were "going to see Sylvie-Rose". He looked at the nice flowers and cross and then went around the graveyard looking for his sister.

Now, I do believe in an afterlife but felt afterwards that he really didn't get the abstractness ( is that a word?) of the idea so we did have to sit him down and explain that she wasn't able to come back and that her body was in the ground but that a special part of her had gone somewhere else. Still don't know if he gets it, he's only three but he does miss her.

Original poster

cantpooinpeace · 24/11/2011 21:29

That sounds like a lovely way to explain things further if more questions come.

We spend a lot of time with this family at their house where they have many pictures of their baby boy in various rooms. So although he is now talked about less his pictures are (quite rightly) a constant reminder for them and obviously my DD too.

I hope the teachers don't think I'm some kind of harsh mother who exposes her daughter to things she shouldn't be

OP posts:

CheeseandGherkins · 24/11/2011 21:30

Indeed Chip, it's been invaluable in terms of support and advice. Thanks too for the kind words. Mostly I feel as though there is no other choice but to go on. Currently almost 24 weeks pregnant with another baby girl and praying all goes well this time.

I remember when we showed them some photos of Scarlett ds2 saw the one of dh holding her and he always describes it as the one where he is carrying her to heaven. He's such a sweet and loving little boy, always brings tears to my eyes when he says that.

muffinflop · 24/11/2011 21:30

I'm another one who's lost a DD. DS was only just 4 when it happened, he's now 6. He did go through a stage not long after our loss of thinking every baby that was born died which caused a few awkward moments and embarrassments. But now he kind of takes death in his stride and seems to have just accepted that it happens. We haven't gone in to any more detail than that, although we do visit DD's grave as a family, along with DD1 who is 5, and they accept that she's buried there but haven't asked any more questions (yet)

I think only you know what your child can or can't handle with regards to something so sensitive and I knew it was right to be honest with DS at the time

Nagoo · 24/11/2011 21:31

YANBU OP.

All children get to a point where they ask the questions and death is difficult for them to understand. Whatever answer you give them, the person who has died has gone from here, and the permanence of that is upsetting for them and us

IMO it is better to tell the truth, but obviously the truth is subjective in this case :)

chipmonkey and cheeseandgerkins I am sorry for your loss :(

Original poster

cantpooinpeace · 24/11/2011 21:40

The same friend is also pg again and has discovered that her baby has a bilateral cleft lip. We talked to my DD about this too just so she wasn't upset when she meets the baby as she was once upset and said she didn't want to play with a girl who had a facial birthmark and was reluctant to go near her.
I hoped that by exploring the cleft lip beforehand we might avoid a similar situation.
She had told her teacher about this too and said she was worried about the baby and her lip. I have reassured her lots over this too all very light heartedly and brief.
It's so hard to know what's for the best in these situations.

OP posts:

Original poster

cantpooinpeace · 24/11/2011 21:43

I'm realising that perhaps all this is too much for a 4 yr old to process.

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 24/11/2011 21:55

It's nothing to do with these people dying.Children of thios age do go through a phase of worrying about death, well Dr Spock says so anyway and certainly all my 4 DC have despite not having lost anyone close to them.

chipmonkey · 24/11/2011 22:50

Dr Spock, spiderpig? You been rooting in the antique book stall?

YellowDinosaur · 24/11/2011 23:21

My boys (4 and nearly 6) are obsessed with death too OP and haven't had anyone close die. I think its pretty normal (from what I can gather from talking to friends) at this age tbh. Who knows if she would have been as upset if you hadn't been open with her? She might even have been more upset as she might have imagined allsorts if you hadn't been honest. You have done what you felt to be the best for her and for what its worth I have done exactly the same with my boys.

Sending big hugs to all those who have sadly lost children. I truely can't imagine anything worse. Here's hoping that your beautiful memories of them will keep them alive forever in your hearts xxx

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