To not want SIL's partner in my house on xmas day?

[Neen80]

My lovely SIL has this nightmare girlfriend (yes they are gay) who is controlling, rude and a complete drama queen. My DP doesn't like her because she manipulates his sister. Im the same age as SIL (31) while her partner is 45. There's an age gap between me and DP so thats not the problem but acting the way she does at her age gets on my tits.
Whenever they have had an arguement, SIL's partner constantly rings and texts DP demanding to know where SIL, telling him to tell her what she thinks of her etc... So one night DP got so pissed off with years of this that he told her that he would fall out with her for behaving like a drama queen and kicking his sis out all the time for the smallest thing. She's well known for doing this with previous partners and being very controlling so its not all my SIL fault. She's been rude to me in my house, when we've been at family parties etc but really sweet when FIL is around (Sly cow, and no he doesn't like her either) She's not very well liked anyway but i've always made the effort for my SIL sake.
Anyway after my DP spoke his mind she called him all the ##### under the sun and said she couldn't care less if she spoke to him again. SIL and her made up, few weeks later they had another row, she rang DP again with the same crap so thats when I lost my rag!

Now SIL wants to spend xmas with us, as FIL is ill and worried he won't be here next xmas. I would love her there but not the girlfriend. My DP doesn't want her there but feels stuck as he's very close to SIL. I hate the thought of being fake to her since she's been a complete cow to my DP. But if we don't invite her, his SIL can't come as they live quite a distance away and the girlfriend is the only driver.
Has anyone been in this position and what would you do?
FIL agrees we done nothing wrong and she's the problem so doesn't want her there.

Are we right in saying to SIL she comes but not the partner? Or should we just bite our tongue and have a shit xmas?

You could uninvite your SIL or you could suck it up. I doubt she'll want to come on her own. Families don't always get on, that's how it is, and the season matters not.

Exactly what I said to DP but stupid sod invited the partner! Not amused!

How long have they been together and do they live together? Because if they live together and have been together a few years, inviting only SIL and not her GF/partner is not really on, even given the fact that the GF seems to be deranged.

If short term and not living together, fine to just have SIL, she can get the train anyway.

It's your house, just tell your SiL that she is welcome but bitchface her g/f isn't. Ofer to pay the fare for SiL to come, or even for a taxi, if she books in advance she can ring round for the best price. That stops one opportunity for g/f to "blackmail" her. Of course SiL mightl then not feel able to come and will resent you forever because it will be All Your Fault, not her g/f's. Or invite them both and take no shit from the g/f. If she says or does anything that pisses you off or is rude, pull her immediately. Do the MN classic "Did you mean to be rude just then?" or "That was rude, was it deliberate?" with a questioning look on your face. Stop letting her get away with it. If nobody ever stands up to her she will carry on as she is. If you feel you must have her in your home then make her behave properly.

I'd be chomping at the bit to pull her on her crap.
SIL can stay here but she's so controlled by this woman that I don't think she'll come without her. But she's an adult and its her choice to stay with her.
Just feel sorry for DP being put in this position because of some idiot!

What does your SIL think? You say the GF is not well liked, but is SIL aware of the ill feeling towards her partner? Perhaps she realises that Xmas with the GF there will be awkward? I'm just asking because it might be helpful to know what position she is in - she was the one who asked to spend Xmas altogether, did she do so knowing that it would be hard? TBH I actually don't know what to suggest as it is so awkward and I am rambling here. GF's behaviour is immature and embarrassing and I am amazed she has the audacity to involve family members in arguments and then show her face at family events. I'm tempted to say that if your SIL is close and you are able to have a no-holds barred conversation with her, then try this.....Speak to SIL alone, say that of course you want her to be there for Xmas and does she want to come alone or bring GF.....she may well be feeling embarrassed about GF's behaviour and you don't know what state the relationship is in. Ensure that she knows that her DB and you are there for her if she is thinking of ending things - she may appreciate the chance to talk about things. You could offer to collect her/meet her at a half-way point/pay for a train/bus etc in order to get there. If she insists that she'd like the GF to come to, then I think you have to be gracious and respect that it is SIL's partner.....however it is YOUR house, and if any bad behaviour is exhibited then don't tolerate it. If she refers to previous arguments, I think you should just respond curtly (as your DH has already done) and re-iterate that you don't want to be dragged into arguments between the two of them, stating that you will simply ignore calls/texts etc if it happens again. How the GF can behave like that and then wish to spend Xmas in the company of people who clearly don't like her (for good reason!) I don't know, but she obviously has very thick skin.

Actually I'm re-reading everything here, and have this to add......
You say GF is very controlling and that SIL isn't really aware of how controlled she is by her GF? Correct? So, thinking aloud here, do you think that GF is trying to gradually erode her relationship with the family to gain greater control? I suppose what I am saying is, do you think GF in some warped way is behaving this way so that family members such as yourself will see less of SIL because they cannot tolerate her GF, thus ultimately meaning GF has more control over SIL because her family ties are weakened. Apologies for the long-winded theory.
If she is as controlling as you say then I do suspect this is what she is doing. So I think you and DH need to concentrate on maintaining strong bonds with SIL, so that she KNOWS she can rely on you. I bet she is quite unhappy but hasn't the guts to say it. I still advocate inviting the GF and biting your tongue up to a point, but would check with SIL first if she wants to come on her own - give her the opportunity to talk freely to you either way.

whats with the (yes they are gay) comment in the first line of your post OP?

Thats exactly what DP and myself think, she has caused probs with SIL friends so now she can only see them in secret. We think that she'd def trying to control every aspect of her life. She gave up her job in a bar because she had so much grief from the GF so got a job where she doesn't have much interaction with other people. Sad really. SIL has had lots of probs in the past so we do understand why she stays with this woman and we know she's not happy as she's told us. We've told her she can stay with us if she needs to.

Shoobydoowop - It's not meant as anything offensive, its for whoever reads the post to not get confused with who's causing the problem

I agree with Queenvictoria42's post. If her partner is controlling and sly I would invite her, out of love for SIL and show her you support her and will always be there for her.

Does FIL really want to run the risk of not spending possibly his last xmas with his daughter, simply because he doesn't like her partner? She won't come without her DP - she will have to choose family over partner and will go with the path of least resistance.

None of us want to run the risk of SIL staying away, we've been very careful of our opinions in front of her but my DP was at breaking point with it one night that it all came out. It's been going on so long and we've all kept our mouths shut that its got to the point that enough is enough. She's got away with it so much that she's getting worse and is openly rude. We've spoke to SIL about this issue with xmas and we said we would be willing to have a chat with GF before but we will not apologise for anything. I'm dreading it!

Agreed - as you say your main priority is that SIL comes, with or without GF. I don't think you have to apologise for anything either. Keep your comments about GF limited to her actions rather than personality accusations. It is much harder for her to deny actual events than it is personality traits if you see what I mean? Be very clear that the one issue which you will not tolerate any longer is her dragging you or DH into arguments between the two of them. And keep it limited to discussion of that issue. If it continues simply ignore texts or put the phone down. Her rudeness and dramaticism are personally traits, and you will find it harder to fight those full on, so I think an element of grinning and bearing it has to come into play here. Either ignore the comments, leave the room or pull her up on it in the clever way that Pombear suggests.

I think long term though you need to concentrate on SIL as you say you are doing. She may well be unhappy, but the thought of ending it can sometimes be so overwhelming, that it is easier to stay put. Re-iterate everything you have said to her, and perhaps you can invite her to stay with you more often (sans GF!) which gives her more opportunity to talk freely. She may feel that your offer to stay is one of those throwaway comments - I know it probably isn't but she really needs to feel she has the support and security to walk away IYSWIM.

I would invite her with the gf and then chuck gf out of the house as soon as she starts being rude, maybe give one warning.

I'm sure it will give you great satisfaction.

You know what Neen, I'd grit my teeth about Christmas, but I'd be starting to put in place a plan in case the GF throws SIL out during another row before Christmas. Practical things like being able to stay with you at short notice, an emergency bag with some clothes etc of SILS ready to grab and leave if she needs to.

I think you need to try to get SIL to understand how the way she is being treated is becoming abusive and help her pluck up the courage to leave. I'd get some information about how to leave such a partner on a purely practical level.

I think you and DP should keep a record of the dates and times of the phone calls and texts and their content especially if aggressive and threatening from the GF. You may be able to use them as evidence if you ever need to get a restraining order e.g. if SIL decides to leave her and you bear the brunt of her rage.

are you my sil's gf's family? i'd rather have the gf there than my sil

I think that I would invite her, but write a candid letter to them both -saying that you were very upset by what has gone on in the past and would like to draw a line under it and start again and that they are both welcome BUT if they come they have to obey certain ground rules which are...........................
and if they can't (or won't) do that, it would be better not to come.
I think that I would even resort to emotional blackmail and say that FIL is ill and you want him to have a lovely, stressfree, argument free Christmas.