To want my dh to talk to his sister.

[SouthStar]

I think dh's sister is taking advantage of their mum.

Her ds is just turned one and sil went back to work when he was about 6 months old. She asked her mum to look after her ds as she didnt like the idea of him being in nursery even tho she started off working in nurserys herself.

mil reduced her hours so she now only works 3 days a week and the other 2 she now looks after sil's ds. All seemed fine worked for everyone, except the pay cut for mil but that was her choice.
At one point mil's work was so full on after her had been looking after her grandson all day she would then be going into work untill 10 at night, sil didnt offer any solution.
We went to visit recently and a few things became apparent... sil doesnt start work untill 9, yes she drops ds off at 7 because she says she cant get dressed with ds under her feet. She finishes at half 3 and works 5 mins from her mums but doesnt turn up untill half 4 and which point she doesnt take over...she chills out and a few times you could tell she was dragging it out untill mil said shall i feed ds as its half an hr past his tea time already... she just sat there while her mum did it all.
So you'd think on a saturday she would give her mum a little break... oh no as soon as ds is up she is around her mums and literally sits down and its like she almost forgets she has a son as she leaves it to her mum to get him drinks or snacks and follows him around as he is just learning to walk.
At one point mil said look can you just take him so I can sort a few things out and sil actually rolled her eyes.
She has also started gym sessions in the evening.... obviously mum has to have ds.
This is not including the babysitting she does so sil can go out on the odd weekend.
Ive noticed such a big difference in the mil since she agreed to look after him, she is wound really tight, hardly sleeping, getting sick alot. She is far too nice and proud to say if she is struggling.

It may sound like sil is a single parent.... oh no she just doesnt trust her dh to look after their ds!!!

dh thinks his mum would say something if she couldnt cope but i think even if she is coping the sil is taking the pee and needs to give her mum some of her time back.

Sil is taking the pee, but family politics are tricky. Your DH needs to be sure he's doing the right thing by talking about this

If you feel so strongly, why don't you speak to your SIL? Why does your DH have to do it if he thinks it's unnecessary. Ditto speaking to your MIL? You know, right, that you'll be told to mind your own business - so will your DH and he knows it too.

Your MIL is an adult and she can put her daughter straight at any time she wants to, without interference from you. You'll just cause a rift and make things worse.

Is there, by any chance, an issue with childcare availability for yourself and DH?

No, we dont live in the same country as them so its not a case of mil looking after sil' child and not ours. Dh should say something because its his family. Ive not got a close relationship with the inlaws as we have never lived in the same area as them so it would be better coming from him than me.

Your dh's mother sounds lovely and capable.
If she's happy with the arrangement it's all good surely?

I don't understand. How do you know so much of what is happening with them on a daily basis if you don't even live in the same country?

She really is lovely but she is one of those people who puts everyone else before herself. Facebook, skype and telephone. I also go back to the uk regularly and they come here.

Sorry but it is up to your MIL to tell her own daughter that enough is enough. It really is not up to you to get involved, and if you do, you will end up coming off worse. It is really not worth it.

I am a bit confused though.. you say you dont even live in the same country, so how do you know all the ins and outs of all this.

Yea i do realise it is upto her but its driving me crazy lol. I just cant see how someone could be taken advantage of and just not say anything. We have only been abroad a short time and like i said we talk an facebook all the time and skype plus i travel back to the uk regularly

I wouldn't use Facebook as any sort of reliable indicator of anything! Also, I'd be very wary of intervening when you aren't in a position to really know what is going on since you can't realistically comment on what is happening daily at your MIL's house when you don't even live in the same country.

Honestly... a relationship between a mother and daughter is something that a daugther-in-law should NEVER interfere in. Trust me on that. It can only ever backfire onto you.

When I visit we usually stay there for a week or so at a time so I think I can realistically comment.. but i wouldnt, hence why I want dh to just tell his sister to give his mum some of her time back. Its just the little things that I can see gets to the mil like getting her to babysit in the evenings when her dh is sat at home doing nothing. Or going to a babyshower where all her other friends were taking their children but she got her mum to babysit because she could enjoy herself more with ds there!
I can see it annoys the mil so i just dont see why she doesnt say something.

Squeakytoy I know only too well with my brother having a mental gf thats why I want dh to say something, not me lol.

Unless your DH says something that is completely off his own free will, without any prompting or hinting from you, then it is always going to backfire onto you.

Seriously, keep quiet. Your MIL is an adult, and if she feels put upon, it is upto her, or her husband if there is one around, to speak up and do something about it.

She may secretly enjoy being the martyr.. she might actually enjoy doing the babysitting but feels she has to moan a bit about it because she feels she isnt giving you an equal share of her time.. but whatever the reason, just say nothing!

If (and it's a big if) you and your DH decide to take this further - do not make your opening salvo "We think DSis is taking advantage of you, Mum", as any response will be protective of DSis and shut down further discussion.

You mention that your MIL is not sleeping and is frequently sick - perhaps try talking to your MIL about those concerns first. It maybe that she feels that there are other factors making her ill which are not connected with caring for her grandchild.

Actually, id never considered the martyr side of it. Dh totally agrees with me but like you says shes an adult so can speak up if its too much.
Alot of it is most likely down to me as i hate leaning on people and asking for help even if i desperately need it. Prob just secretly jealous that she can get help here and there without feeling guilty lol.

I agree with Squeakytoy. You want to hear my mum moan about how put upon she is by my sister. She loves every minute of it. If sister got someone else to look after her 3 monsters mum would be gutted.

Yea i think it all makes more sense now, dont feel so bad for her now :)