to be pissed off with DH's comment 'it's only snoring...'

[RachelHRD]

DH has been fiddling with biting and chewing his finger on and off for the last 20 minutes and got narked when I asked him to stop as it was annoying and moaned that I complain about everything he does so I pointed out that I think I'm pretty tolerant considering my sleep is disrupted every night by his snoring and dolphin impersonations sleep apnea and I put up with it and would he be so tolerant if it were the other way around???

His reply 'FGS it's only snoring...' bloody charming that he shows such concern for me getting a good nights sleep. I have suggested numerous times that he goes to the Dr about it but he has never bothered.....

Flipping men

Would second the recommendation of Bio Ears, which you can get from my local Boots. They do stay in well and block out a lot of noise, but I also worry they might cause infection longterm.

When my DP snores I ask him to use Sinex or similar nasal spray, and actually with him, that often stops things. I also roll him over onto his side in night. It's got so I can say, 'DP, roll over!' without touching him and he does it in his sleep

But he only normally snores when he is ill or very tired or drunk. A few times a month. If it were more often than that, we'd be looking at separate beds....

i often wonder how many people divorce because of snoring. its not just the snoring...the lack of sleep causes irritability, resentment etc...then the snorer can do no right.
my relationship with my DH has improved considerably since he has been sleeping downstairs...i can still hear him sometimes and we have a big house with thick walls eg i cannot hear my DD(17m) crying in the next room without a monitor, but i can hear his snoring on another floor grrr.

and as for the comment of 'cant help it' snoring is much much worse in people who have extra weight...so actually snorers often can do something to help...my DH's gp said he needs to get his collar size to 16 or below as THAT is the crucial factor

I dont see why snoring alone should lead to divorce, the obvious answer is separate rooms.
Dont believe all that guff about the sacredness of the marital bed, nothing trumps sleep, it is fundamental and paramount!

Alibaba, 'so please don't comment'. What the fuck? I thought AIBU canvassed opinion

A friend of fine used to snore like a train (I know cos you could hear it through walls!) He was married for 20+ years before he did anything about it. Eventually he was forced to see the doctor becasue the whole family was exhausted (seperate rooms not enough -DC affected too) his marriage was finished and his own health was poor.

Just a few months of tests etc has identified the problem and he has been provided with a machine to wear at night (sorry don't know technical details) When he's wearing it he doesn't snore at all , he has lost 2 stones in weight, his blood pressure is lower than it's been in 15 years, he's enjoying work and is generally a much nicer person to be around. Too late for his marriage though Your DH must get help - once he does the problem could be easily solved.

letmehelp the machine is a CPAP and basically pushes air into the airways, keeping them open. My dh has sleep apnoea and he has to use one and we have to bring it everywhere we go. Both of his brothers also have it, it can be linked to being overweight but dh used to snore like a pneumatic drill even when I married him and he was much skinnier then!

Rachel does he realise it's life threatening? Even if he has no consideration for your night's sleep, which is inexcusable in itself, he really should get it sorted.

Glad (and sorry!) to hear I'm not alone!

Bizarrely last night - no snoring or breath holding and it can be variable so would it be classified as mild apnea or not at all?

He is a bit overweight and definitely is worse if he has a cold or sleeps in odd positions - sometimes he sleeps flat on his stomach with his head flat over the pillow so it is effectively around his neck - that definitely doesn't help. He's also bad if he sleeps on his back so he too responds to 'roll over' in his sleep!

Older as I said I know he doesn't do it on purpose but that doesn't lessen the effect - have you ever had your sleep disturbed by a snorer - it's not fun!!

Rachel, he should go to a sleep clinic to be assessed. I really don't know enough to know if there is a "mild" form that's not life-threatening but dh has been told that he MUST wear his. With the CPAP the snoring is gone. He does sound a bit like Darth Vader with it on but it's far preferable to the 100 decibel roar! ( By the way, do you know that snoring in German is "schnarken" which is a far better and more descriptive word, IMO!)

The scary thing is, for years I moaned and complained about the snoring. Dh really didn't know how bad it was. One night we stayed at PILs and BIL, who lives with them, was asleep. Dh was aghast at how bad BIL's snoring was and more aghast again when I told him that he sounded exactly the same.
But we didn't realise that it was sleep apnoea, that only emerged when my other BIL's dw made him go to the GP, who referred him to the sleep clinic, when he was told that the CPAP was essential. That spurred dh to be assessed too. The BIL who lives with PIL has never been assessed but bought himself a CPAP on the internet and then gave up using it, probably I think because no-one had explained to him how to use it.

I also second that the sleep apnoea is not a funny joke, but a serious medical condition. My husband had for years and it wasn't that bad, some nights on and some off (like you are describing), he had an assessment which found some apnoeas but not enough for diagnosis, but it took a turn for the worse after that and he went again for assessment and now has the CPAP machine.

When they stop breathing, their oxygen levels drop, putting them at risk of a heart attack/stroke, as well as making them exhausted and grumpy the next day (also a risk for driving).

It has to meet certain criterion to be diagnosed, so just snorting a bit isnt' enough, it has to be longer than 10 sec more than a certain amount of times per hour.

Print out something on sleep apnoea, tell him 'I think you have this' and get him to see the doctor. Even chronic snoring can be treated.

Alternatively, sleep in separate rooms and/or with ear plugs until he gets it sorted.

My husband snores, but I'm not resentful - because he's considerate about it and recognises that his issues have a massive impact on our whole family, so he does his best to minimize that.

My DH deals with most of our toddlers' night waking (because I can't hear them with my earplugs in) and if he does get up, he finishes the night on the spare bed so as to disturb me less. When he needs more sleep he spends the night in the spare room so I can sleep without earplugs and listen out for the DCs. He's also wears anti-snore strips at night (not the most attractive!) and has gone to the Dr (without me nagging or making the appointment). This is because he doesn't go through life completely oblivious too or callous about his impact on his family.

I wear Quies foam earplugs (they're neon coloured, I get them from Amazon, never seen them in Boots) which are the best I've found so far. They stay put in my small ears and let me sleep fine, though I don't think my DH snores as loudly as some.

Your DH is out of order basically telling you to suck it up and you really ought to be telling him it's just not on.

Totally feel everyone's pain. My DP snores too, AND grinds his teeth (I honestly don't know how he makes the noise he does but it goes through me like nails down a blackboard) AND he sleep-talks .... and all of this no matter what position he lies in. There are times in the middle of the night when I've cried with utter exhausted frustration, and others when it takes all my willpower not to stick a large carving knife between his shoulder blades because I feel so furious.

Yeah - separate rooms, if you have a separate room. Thankfully we have but that's not without its problems as he feels resentful at being "pushed out" because of course his "hurt" feelings are far more important than me actually getting any sleep, let alone undisturbed sleep isn't it. If we ever stay elsewhere, I truly dread having to share with him because I know I won't sleep - and have sometimes, at the very worst, laid there until 5 in the morning.

I don't bloody care that he's not doing it on purpose. So that's alright then. Like if I had some medical condition which made me belch and fart every 5 minutes that'd be alright too because I wasn't doing it deliberately. I've begged him to mention this to the GP when he goes on one of many relatively trivial missions but he "forgets" or there "wasn't time" or somesuch intelligence-insulting codswallop. Truth is the first thing the doctor would advise is for him to lose weight and stop smoking and the selfish sod doesn't want to do that, so would rather not be officially advised to do so.

As years go by I'm getting more and more resentful about this issue (you'd never have guessed would you) as he's never really tried to do anything about it other than trying nose strips (useless) and a gumshield for the grinding (didn't "like" it apparently). Then he has the temerity to get the hump because I ask him to leave my (our) bed. If he does stay, he can also get angry if I push/shove him in the (vain) hope that a change of position might give me a few minutes respite in which to get to sleep .... which all adds to the delightful and non-sleep-inducing ambience of course. Even then, I'm likely to be woken up a bit later by him making some sort of revolting noise. For my part I've tried all sorts of earplugs but nothing blocks out the sound completely, I've tried herbal sleep remedies, sleep/relaxing linen sprays, and going to bed before him (but unless I go hours before I find I just get anxious at not dropping off before he comes up). It's a miserable thing and it is sheer torture being physically prevented from sleeping when you so desperately need to do so.

I've also tried thrusting showing him all snoring/sleep apnoea articles as I find them, emphasising the health risks but what can you do with someone who isn't motivated enough by the health risks of smoking to try to stop that, let alone properly consider the health risks of this ? It really is so very very selfish and I'm sick of it.

Chipmonkey and Hardgoing do your DP's hold their breath or fail to take a breath? DH takes a breath in and then holds it and then slowly releases it hence the odd sort of dolphin like noises. Is this actually apnea - some brief research suggests it may not be.

Either way I am going to make a Dr's apt for him - he got as far as a referral a few years back but then I think we moved and he didn't follow it up

Thanks.

Rachel, it depends how long the breath is held for (e.g. if deep breath, then held for a sec or two, then let out slowly probably not an apnoea). All I would say though is that my husband did have intermittent apnoea, not every night, and it wasn't all that bad for a while, but it did worsen considerably at one point, when he got fatter. Looking back, it's obvious why he got fatter as he got too exhausted to exercise or even do everyday tasks (even though he was working). So, getting fatter is not always the cause, it can be the other way around.

Even if he doesn't have sleep apnoea, very loud snoring and grunting is disturbing. We had separate beds for say 4/5 nights out of 7 for years and I would go back to that again rather than have disturbed sleep.

Yes, dh used to stop breathing, oddly enough, I hadn't realised that he had stopped breathing, it used to only register with me that he had momentarily stopped snoring!

He is much more alert during the day now that he is breathing all night.

I have the yellow squishy ear plugs and these are the only ones that work for me.
My Dh snores like a train every night and if he partakes in the sauce is automatically banished to the spare room without question!
I have asked him to go see Dr and I will pay for this ( non UK) It drives me flippin mental!

I snore due to having had a broken nose years ago. So far it has cost me two relationships and I dare not stay away from home or go on holiday. I cannot look for a new partner because eventually he'd want to stay the night.

I could have my nose operated on but the last time I had an anaesthetic I reacted to it and had to "shocked" back to life. This is not a risk I could take now I have DS so I cannot see any solution at all.

It sounds apnaeic to me Rachel - dh would breathe in, stop, then eventually breathe out with a snorty noise. Turned out he had very severe sleep apnoea, and the consultants said he'd have been dead by 50 as his blood pressure was so high overnight. CPAP has been amazing

Feeling your pain, sister. Dp is currently cast into outer darkness due to smoking induced snoring. He's on the sofa. I'm on the King size bed. Seems fair to me, because he could stop smoking. Couldn't he?

I love OH's CPAP machine, I really really do

It makes a lovely noise, a bit like a wave machine/seaside sounds

OH has/had very bad apnoea, despite not fitting in with the 'normal' criteria ie: he was not hugelyoverweight/ doesn't smoke/ rarely drinks/ very active/ collar size under 16[or was it 18, anyway]

He hated it at first but could feel the difference within 2 weeks, and discovered that the bags under his eyes weren't genetic

And the difference to me, well after him and the cats the machine would be the next thing I'd save in a fire. .

So glad it's not just me going through this. DH refuses to see it as he's problem, it's mine for being a light sleeper. I am a light sleeper, but he can snore for England when he gets going. I'm all for seperate beds but he thinks it's not the done thing when your married. All I want to do is get into bed and go to sleep without him snoring in my ear and kicking me every 5 mins, not too much to ask surely.

I have read some of the posts on here to him (selectively!!) and he is on the phone making an appointment.....

Thanks ladies for giving me the kick up the bum to pass onto him to sort it out :)

Hurray ! And don't let the gp fob him off with an ENT appt, or telling him to go and lose weight first - he needs to go to a Sleep clinic. If he has SA, its very hard to lose weight as your body produces hormones in response to the stress it is under that make you hold fat. Once treated, this goes away

OP, really important he gets snoring fixed - as Hecate says, v important for his health and yours. You may end up sleeping next to the Man in the Rubber Mask - but at least you'll sleep. It's worth being the queen of the nags to address it.

The finger chewing is just the cherry on the cake.

CMOT - that thing about stress and fat is v interesting
catsmother - LOL
Hope we get some kip tonight

Agree with CMOT re sleep clinic. If nothing else you get one night off while he goes to be assessed!