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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD? Am I expecting too much?

38 replies

StealthPenguin · 23/11/2011 19:10

My gorgeous DS is 4 months old and is pretty much a perfect baby. Has slept through the night since 7 weeks old, feeds well, plays well, generally doesn't fuss, incredibly smiley, very easy going...

He sleeps (on average) from 8:30pm until 7:30am. It's straight through the night, doesn't fuss and doesn't put up a protest when we put him in his cot because he knows that when he's in there it's time to go to sleep.

His normal routine is he'll wake up, play for about half an hour, then feed. Play some more, then nap for half an hour. He'll then wake up, play for 30 minutes, have food, play some more, then have another nap for 30 minutes. He's been pretty regular and generally we end up feeding him every 3 to 3.5 hours. (8am, 11:00, 2:30pm, 5pm and then 8pm).

We tend to just hold him when he needs a nap and then he goes to sleep with his dummy in, then put him on the sofa and carry on with things until he wakes up. But recently there have been absolute ructions in trying to get him to nap.

He's blatantly tired because he has a very specific "I'm tired" cry. But he thrashes, screams, spits his dummy out, wails so much that he turns purple, he kicks and hits out at the person holding him, he arches his back and straightens his legs to try and get away... it's absolute murder. This will go on for upwards of 20 minutes and it's getting absolutely beyond.

We've tried holding him looser, we've tried making him warmer, making him colder, holding him in a specific way that doesn't allow him to thrash about (because in all honesty - it bloody hurts!), we've tried putting him down in his cot but he gets confused and upset then because it's still daytime out so therefore it isn't sleep.

He definitely needs naps, because he truly is absolutely shattered. With our current household, we have my partner and me here during the day to play with him, and then his grandparents come back between 3 and 5 so they play with him in the evenings, and we have his Auntie with us too so she plays with him whenever possible. So it isn't that he isn't tired, he just fights and fights and fights it!

WWYD? Anyone else had this situation? Am I expecting too much of my 4-month-old baby? Is this normal?

OP posts:

kasbah72 · 01/12/2011 11:33

To be honest, it sounds like he hasn't been given the chance to learn how to self settle at all and that is causing him problems now. So easy to do when they are cute and cuddly and when there are lots of willing arms and laps around!

Sleep cycles include periods where you almost come to and then settle back in to a deeper sleep. It is quite common for that time of the morning to be that lighter sleep. He needs to understand how to settle himself back to sleep and then you will (hopefully) find that he snuffles awake a bit and then drops back off.

The only way to get that skill is to learn it. It sounds like every nap time and sleep time involves people holding or rocking him and then putting him down once he is actually asleep. This means that he is learning to rely on those extra things to get to sleep. When he wakes up on his own and NOT in someone's arms, he is confused. He doesn't associate his cot with going to sleep, he associates it with waking up. Does that make sense?

There are lots of different ways to help him learn this depending on your thoughts and his reactions. I would personally start with doing what you do now but trying not to rock him whilst he is falling asleep. When he is getting very very drowsy then take him to his cot. He will probably have a startle awake reflex but just whisper reassurances and carry on rubbing his tummy/face/whatever contact he enjoys. Slowly get him used to actually going to sleep in that space and by himself.

Some people find the pick up put down routine works best (literally staying out of eyeline in the room and each time the baby gets upset pick him up and cuddle him then put him back with reassurance). You will find your own version I am sure.

Good luck and I promise it will pass!

WowOoo · 01/12/2011 11:35

I don't think keeping ds2 up later in evenings helped at all with us, but I was desperate by then.
I used to feed him off to sleep in our bed and get a couple of extra hours. But, he's 2 now and comes into our bed at 4-5am ish. Yikes!

BlueFergie · 01/12/2011 12:00

They all go through phases of early waking. I actually din't agree that it is because he can't self settle. He was sleeping through fine and he is sleeping until 4.30, so presumably through some light sleep phases as it is. He is just waking earlier. What I did with mine was gradually push it out. So when they were waking at 5, I would take them into the bed or sit with them in the cot/ give soother. No talking/ playing/ interacting. Keep it very quiet and dark. No feeding. Do it until 5.30 at least then feed or whatever you do to start morning. After a few mornings they would start waking at 5.30 instead. Then i would push it to 6. And so on. Got my DD back to half 7 this way, and half 6 with my DS. He stayed an early waker until he walked though and even now he still never sleeps past half seven.

maddening · 01/12/2011 12:05

Try lying down on the bed with him?

valiumredhead · 01/12/2011 12:11

Ds ALWAYS needed a good cry before dropping off, always did and not once can I ever remember him just nodding off to sleep.

NinkyNonker · 01/12/2011 12:13

I think you just need to do what you need to do to get through it. He is very little, and it is a well known phase!

notyummy · 01/12/2011 12:18

Agree with BlueFergie. Putting him to bed later wont help. Early waking really common. Our DD was a great sleeper in most ways but we suffered from this on a number of occasions until she was around 2 (i.e she would stop it for a few months and then it would happen again...)

Bore him to sleep. Leave him unless he is crying and then go in and sit with him and sooth/bore back to sleep. No lights or anything exciting. Sit in dark room - tip I was given was to gently pat back at the same rate as your heartbeat as babies are conditioned to find that soothing from being in the womb. Sounds a bit 'woo' but what harm can it do?!

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 01/12/2011 12:40

Oh. My. God

I've figured it out.

It's because he isn't sleeping properly!!!!!!

Basically, we get him to sleep then put him down on the sofa. We make sure he can't roll off, have the TV to a minimum etc. He starts fidgeting around the 45-minute mark, and is seemingly awake. Full of smiles and cooing noises.

He's just done this, and for the first time I've gone and thought "Hang on, give me a minute to finish off the ironing", I've finished it, gone back to him... and he's on his belly, dummy (somehow) back in his mouth, and fast asleep again!

He's been asleep for an hour and a half now. Longest nap he's ever had! Only trouble is, I have a hair appointment at half-one, and so need him dressed and ready by 1!

isn't that just TYPICAL?!

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 01/12/2011 12:46

Oh yes, I am a great believer in waiting a bit to see if they drop off again!

Original poster

StealthPenguin · 01/12/2011 12:52

Ugh. The one time I get my parenting right is the one time I have to hurry him up!!!! angryface

But hey, at least I know what works! And I don't feel as much of a parenting failure

OP posts:

jenrendo · 01/12/2011 19:40

Ha believe me StealthPenguin there will be lots more times like that! I too am a true believer in waiting to see what happens. We have a monitor that you can switch the lullaby music on from the handset downstairs. When he stirs we put it on and it lasts for 15 minutes. If DS is still chatting/crying once the music stops I go and get him.

Mishy1234 · 01/12/2011 19:47

Getting daytime naps right are the hardest thing for me up to the age of 2. It seems to change constantly, a bit like hitting a moving target! The impact of not getting things right during the day have a huge effect on how things go overnight too.

I guess he's just getting older and changing his habits.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 01/12/2011 19:54

Welcome to motherhood. You are very lucky to live in a house with lots of people to help you.

I had to look after the baby all on my own, DH was out of the house from 7.30am to 8.30pm. They change at four months - there will be fewer naps and soon just one a day if at all. DS, by, 6 months had a long afternoon nap (2-4.30) and then slept from about 10.30 -6pm. That was it untl he was about 2-1/2 and that was my me time and time to get the jobs done. I could even go shopping or to the hairdressers in the afternoon and he would just sleep through it. DD just had to nap when she could because we were always on the run collecting DS from nursery etc., she got woken regularly and WOULD not sleep in the pram or the car but always slept better at night than ds.

They are all different and you have to go with the flow in time to their routines. You can be sensible but you can't change the blueprint that is them.

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