To Put My Foot Down Over Us Spending Boxing Day At MIL???

[rockinhippy]

?.yes I know a Xmas one in November - it's sticking in my throat too, I really don't understand why arrangements can't wait until December ,

BUT seems my hand has been forced & I'm not at all happy, neither is DD & I need to sort it out, not least because having tried to deal with it myself with SIL by texting a question & an alternative arrangements suggestion, was met with sarcy comments to DH when she rang him later.

I've now to speak with her to sort it out this evening as he is such an f*ing wuss with her & I'm half expecting her to try & railroad me into sticking to arrangements DH has made, ones we weren't properly consulted on -

SOOooo - throwing it open to the MN jury, as I''m open to my BU?

SIL & BIL are going on holiday, flying late Xmas day night - usually they come to us Xmas day or boxing day evening for a buffet & bring MIL with them - they all live about 30 mile away -

in recent years MIL spends Xmas day on her own - her choice as she can be a cantankerous old soul & refuses to bend on what time she eats & insists if she comes here, we serve her Xmas dinner at 12 & not a minute later , same if she goes out with SIL & BIL - - which TBH only ever happened once in the 11 years we've been together - we prefer to eat much later, have a leisurely breakfast & enjoy Xmas morning with DD.

DH has arranged that we go to MIL house for boxing day lunch - then telling me I'd best sort out some food to take because gawd knows what she'll give us - I can see his point, she is ridiculous in her eating habits & refuses to touch anything she doesn't like - DH had never even eaten something as simple as tomato soup until he left home - because MIL doesn't like it - we also don't eat meat & DD has a lot of food inteloerances

Also MIL is a VERY heavy smoker - we don't - DD is asthmatic - health problems also mean I'm hyper- sensitive to smells, DD is a bit too - here MIL smokes outside - at her place she smokes where she likes, though because DH complains, she will move to the kitchen, but the whole flat stinks & both DD & I struggle to even sit there for long - but we do & put on a brave face on normal visits,but I really can't face eating there - & there isn't really any room, a tiny one person table & tiny room that MIL is very precious about with crumbs etc - MIL also HATES TV, so wont let DD have it on & if she does will talk & complain loudly over everything on it -

so basically we will be going there, without anything to occupy DD - if we take stuff MIL will complain - we will have to take our own food etc etc

& I just can't see the bloody point & know - she does DH that is about her being able to smoke - its also about DH having a drink ie driving less,

I also feel as every year we have to fit around SIL plans, just this once she can fit around ours & we will be flexible to accommodate MIL & them nipping off on holiday,

so I've suggested we invite them all here for Xmas dinner instead, which with a late night flight wont be a problem, they can bring MIL & take her home, or MIL can stay & I'll bite my lip at the constant remarks that DD is spoilt- though she doesn't want too

AIBU???

hope that makes sense - neck pain making concentration hard, so please dont be too hard on me :)

PS - should have added, this way SIL & BIL get to see DD for Xmas DD is SILs only niece

Not really the point, but why do you capitalise the first letter of each word in your title?

Why dont you offer to take her out for lunch on boxing day instead? You dont need to be cramped up in her house, there will be no smoke, and you can drop her back home after the meal. :)

Going to MIL sounds like torture. Why not visit for an hour in the afternoon and just have a cup of tea? That way you'll get the visit over with and won't have to endure her on Christmas day.

YANBU it sounds awful.

Actually Squeaky - THAT is an excellent idea - Thank you :)

BTW I might be horribly precious but I wouldn't bring my child into a smoky house, especially if she had asthma.

I wouldn't go if I were you.
I would hang it on DD's asthma and say that her doctor has said that she shouldn't be in a smoky environment (which is prob true anyway)

Make the invitation, and if MIL doesn't take you up on it, fine.

I guess sil/bil have already made other arrangements fro xmas day to do with mil?

You cant make them come to yours if they dont want to/hadnt planned to.

Boxing day at mils sounds crap but doable. I'd just do it.

They obviosly have their reasons for wanting this arrangement and I cant see that your wants trump theirs.

Also dh has already agreed.

I thik you are far to accomodating and Squeaky's idea is perfect.

Oh yes, squeaky's idea is a good one.

I can't see what it's got to do with SIL what you and MIL do if SIL is away on holiday?

And if you were going to your MILs for Boxing Day, why can't she just come to you for Boxing Day lunch? Surely somebody would have to drive anyway if you were going to her, so dropping her back isn't much more hassle.

Going to MILs for lunch sounds as though it would make every bugger miserable, including her. And it's not fair to expose your asthmatic DD to constant smoke- I think smokers genuinely don't realise how utterly unpleasant their homes can smell, and it's really not worth risking your health and that of your DD.

so if i'm understanding this correctly..usually your BIL and SIL come to your house for christmas day. As they are flying late that day they don't want to come to your house this year and your husband has arranged to visit your MIL on boxing day?

I think since your MIL is only 30 miles away you could go boxing day morning and visit for a few hours and then return to your house for dinner. Your husband could ask that she doesn't smoke whilst you are there and point out its affecting your daughters asthma and causes her health problems. he should have checked with you first...but no-ones perfect

quite understand why your IL's don't want to visit you on christmas day if they are flying later that day. Why should they always visit you?

the problem is that DH has to drive round trip of 60 miles to pick her up & drop her off - SIL & BIL pick her up & drop off on their way to us, so no big deal - cabs would be ridiculous on boxing day & chances are she won't get in one on her own any way - she's likeable enough, but is an odd ball to put it mildly - hence why he's so keen that we do eat there as it saves his making the round trip twice

I'm going to start looking into places to eat out over her way :)

Oh yes, what Squeaky said- if you can afford to do lunch out then that's a good plan!

dreaming the reason they always visit us - on the day that fits around whatever plans they have made, is because WE are the ones that always arrange a family get together for DH & SILs Mum at some point over Xmas - it ALWAYS has to fit around their plans - not ours

Rockin - understand. Maybe this will be a way of allowing you more flexibility in the arrangement in future. sort of break from tradition. Your post seemed to suggest that boxing day was an all day session at your MIL's? Surely a couple of hours will be enough, especially under the conditions you mention. This gives you the rest of the afternoon/evening to do what you wish?

I think Squeaky's idea is good, provided you can find somewhere that does food you all like!

The smoking thing sounds awful, not to mention the bizarre idea that you can't take stuff over for DD to play with.

Well I've spoken with SIL & there was quite a bit of confusion, not least DH thinking that their flight time was the time they needed to leave IYSWIM - they have to leave at 5, not 9 as he thought, so not so easy for them to come here for an early Xmas dinner & take MIL home.

though she had originally suggested they all come here & DH drive MIL back the next day - its MIL that has refused that - turns out her reason for refusing to stay over is our 2 cats - she wont close the spare bedroom door when she sleeps here, so naturally they go in there - which p's her off - but she is adamant shes not sleeping in a closed room

So, we are now going to take her out, (thank you for that suggestion squeaky :) - though DH not best pleased as it will cost us & he's right, we cant really afford it, especially not at Xmas & it just wont feel right just stopping in to her for an hour, over a few nuts & a cup of coffee rather than food, as SIL suggested - it is Xmas after all & she is an old lady on her own

if I'm honest I still don' understand SIL - she keeps saying its probably MIL last Xmas & sadly as MILs health's not good & she wont stop smoking & can hardly breath a lot of the time, SIL is probably right - yet she's still quite happy to bugger off abroad instead of spending Xmas with her Mum & making it the last family Xmas together -

just as they are popping in on us briefly on Xmas eve, to drop off DDs present - when I offered to put out a bit of food & make a bit of a gathering out of it - I got "no don't bother" we are heading to "the Club" its open night, so the others all bring their kids (kids they don't know take priority over only Niece) so its a nice Christmassy atmosphere & we thought we'd get a bit of that in before we fly off I would have more understanding if they didn't have at least 10 holidays a year

oh well - problem solved of sorts - thanks again