forcing pyjamas and clean teeth on 3yr old having a tantrum at bedtime

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Hello

I have a query that I hope you can help with. We are lucky to have a pretty well-behaved DS (age 3) who has had only about 5 occasions in his little life when he has totally lost it. Last night is normally 'bath night' but he requested that he carry on playing instead and we said that was OK as he could have a bath tomorrow instead. At bedtime we gave him plenty of warning and then said it was time to wash face and clean teeth and get ready for bed.

He was very tired after a busy day and totally lost it. He sat and cried for 15 minutes saying 'I want a bath'. It was very sad to watch. Eventually he calmed down enough to say he just wanted to go to bed. That was when the trouble really started. He was so worn out he just wanted to go to sleep but we insisted that some things just have to happen, like cleaning teeth and putting on pyjamas.

Eventually it was fine and he went to sleep after a story, but do you think we're being unreasonable forcing him into PJs and cleaning his teeth, or should we have just let our distraught little boy fall into bed and go to sleep? Oh we would have had to put pull-ups on anyway.

It was so sad and stressful. He was so past-it and cross but I just didn't think his behaviour meant that we should just shrug and say 'OK have it your way'. AIBU and am I the world's most horrible strict mummy? :(

Always brush teeth. My neice had 6 teeth out at 2 or 3 and it was awful. Not worth it in the long term

They may realise if they kick off or scream for 15 mins they won't have to do what they don't want... And then you will have more drama

IMO

I dont think making him change into pjs is strict cant have three year olds dictating how the day goes it would be chaos!. If mine have a tantrum going to bed i carry on regardless amind the tanrum, i have been known to read a whole story to a screaming toddler, then i switch the light on and leave. Perhaps this make me mean but each child has only bothered once or twice once they realise it doesnt change anything.

I would steer clear of changing the routine again though now you know that is how he reacts!

light off

There's been times when my 4yr old went to bed fully clothed (when he was younger) when he was so exhausted it wasn't worth a battle. There's been times when I've dug my heels in and made sure the routine still happens.

YANBU. You do what you feel is right at the time.

I think its fine to insist on things - I was going to say did the pyjamas really matter, but by the time you got him into pullups the pyjamas wouldn't add much to the effort.

For another time, I think you know now that you'd be better off sticking to the routine and not "being nice" by varying it, if he's then going to get upset at the loss of the routine.

Bt DC survive having their parents insist on things - it's better for them in the long run to know where they stand.

It sounds out of character so I'd have let it go, on the understanding that it's a one off. No point creating further distress on an already distressed child. Missing teeth brushing for one night isn't the end of the world.

This too shall pass.

He is 3. Some children start their tantrums young, others save it for later but they all go through it.

It is entirely up to you what you think is reasonable to pass on and what is non-negotiable.

For example, in our house teeth always get done. Dcs know that if teeth do not get brushed they can "go mouldy". There also has to be some sort of wash but if they are tired and messing around about having a bath they can choose either to hop in the bath or to have bum and face washed with a flannel.

I think with most things the key is giving a choice but where all the choices have the desired result.

Sometimes though if they are really shattered you just have to shove a clean nappy on and let them sleep. In the past I've shoved mine in bed without any dinner because he was just in full on shattered meltdown.

Thank you. I'm feeling better already. We sometimes think we give him too much freedom to make decisions (ie he wants to carry on playing and will bath tomorrow) and actually it would be better to just stick to routines. The thing is sometimes he makes a choice and sticks to it and everything is fine and dandy. It all depends on how tired he is which is, of course, very unpredictable!

Anyway, nice to hear that you agree I wasn't 'horrible mummy from hell' to force teeth cleaning and PJs on him!

Although 99% of the time, my two have their pj's on and brush their teeth, there have been a handful of occasions (once every few months) where they are so tired, or so ill, or so beside themselves, I have just let whatever we were battling about go, and started again tomorrow. I think you must use your common sense, if it is a one-off and the child is compliant the next day, what's the issue over one night in normal clothes in a bed? If they regularly do it to test you, then I would stand firm.

But you know if your child has just gone over the edge, and IMO opinion, on those rare occasions it can be kinder (and still consistent parenting) to just let them fall asleep, then re-establish the routine the next day.

It is tough when they are so tired - and you are torn between doing the best for them and keeping the discipline/routine thing going.
In the past I have let mine pass out and then dealt with the jammies/nappies etc once they're asleep - a nuclear holocaust couldn't wake them.
A night without teeth cleaning is no big deal.