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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

being a bit over protective or sensible?

20 replies

stayformulledwine · 22/11/2011 10:58

My 2 DD's and I were in bed the other morning having a chat and my eldest (6) was telling me about the park she plays in near my ex's house. She then mentioned that he lets her and her sister (5) take my DS1 (3) there to play, by themselves. I have never been to his house or area, so asked a few questions. Could they see dad's house from the park? No because they have to go through a little forest, to get to the park and the trees are in the way of the house. Was there a road near the park? Yes but its not a busy one, just the people that live in the area, which is a small village. Does my DS1 behave when he is with them? Sometimes but sometimes he tries to run off and they have to chase him and hold his hand.

Now, based on the above, would you feel happy? I dont mind my 6 and 5 year old going to the park by themselves, they are very sensible, have road sense and have been taught stranger danger, sticking together and etc. But my son has just turned 3, he is just learning road safety and is prone to wandering off if he isnt kept an eye on. I also feel its entirely unfair putting his welfare in the hands of a 6 and 5 year old, that should anything bad happen, would then feel in some way responsible.

I am going to be bringing this up with my STBXH but I know for a fact i will be accused of being unreasonable/over protective. I dont believe I am, but would be interested in opinions.

OP posts:

biddysmama · 22/11/2011 11:02

yanbu, i wouldnt be happy about it at all!

pictish · 22/11/2011 11:02

No I wouldn't - and I am NO neurotic parent by any stretch of the imagination.
It is totally unrealistic to expect a 6 and a 5 yr old to be responsible enough to look after a 3 yr old unsupervised. Totally unfair on them, and potentially very dangerous. It may not be a busy road but one car is all it takes to knock over a toddler.

lesley33 · 22/11/2011 11:03

I am normally the one on these threads urging parents to let their DCs have freedom. But I think YANBU - 3 is too young - and a 5 and 6 year old are really too young to look after a 3 year old like this.

fuzzynavel · 22/11/2011 11:04

YANBU. You sound very level headed in your post and to be honest I'd have concerns about it. I'd even be concerned over the two oldest ones going off on their own but then again maybe I veer more on the cautious side as I live in London.

I'd definitely have a word about the older one's taking the little one (they should not be responsible for him at their age)

IneedAbetterNickname · 22/11/2011 11:04

YANBU! But then I wouldn't let my 7 and 5 year old go on their own either!

RillaBlythe · 22/11/2011 11:05

I opened this thread expecting to say it was over protective but actually I agree with you. I would not expect a 5 & 6 year old to take sole charge of my defiant & reckless 3 yo.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 11:07

YANBU at all and I normally can't stand the fact that kids aren't allowed to play and have a bit of independance.

3 is far too young and your DD's are far too young to have that responsibility...actually I think they're still a bit too young to be going to the park alone.

What does your ex do with all this child free time?

Original poster

stayformulledwine · 22/11/2011 11:09

I am all for teaching kids to be independant, absolutely. I am a little less concerned about my 6 and 5 year old as I know them and their capabilities, plus I was brought up in a tiny village very similar and was off out by myself at their age. Its different with my son though, he has only just turned 3 (october) and can be very strong willed when he wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

stayformulledwine · 22/11/2011 11:12

Worra - that is something I will be asking. I dont actually know if its happened more than once, I stopped questioning the girls as I didnt want them to feel they had done anything wrong or pick up on the fact I was unhappy about what they were saying. I will be taking that up with their father.

OP posts:

HappyCamel · 22/11/2011 11:14

I dont think it's fair on the girls. If something happened they are too young to deal with it. It's placing too much responsibility on them.

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 11:15

I feel sorry for kids who are given that level of responsibility for younger siblings

They're always going to get the blame if something goes wrong and it's just not fair.

A friend of mine still has nasty flashbacks now at the age of 40, because she was made to take her 2yr old brother to the ice cream van...and as she let go of his hand to take the 2 ice creams, he ran into the road and got hit by a car...suffering serious head injuries.

She's never got over it

Bossybritches22 · 22/11/2011 11:16

Sounds to me like your Ex is doing this to have some Shag-time with his new strumpet? Just my nasty little mind.

Whatever his reason YANBU but how on earth can you sort that without the standard accusation

"none of your business what the Dc's do with me"

Or "you are paranoid/controlling/clucking"

Difficult one, as the kids safety is paramount obviously.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 11:18

I also expected to be saying 'over protective' as I think most parents are now. I couldn't say whether I'd be happy with the 5 & 6 yo going alone without knowing the area etc. but as they're going through some trees etc to get there, I probably wouldn't... however, that's not what you asked

I would not allow DS to go with them, they are barely old enough to be responsible for themselves, let alone a little one - no matter how 'well behaved' DS is (and he isn't 'well behaved' yet - still running off etc), they should not have that responsibility. He should not be going with them until he's old enough to go on his own. They need to go as 3 independents with 'strength in numbers' - not the girls being responsible for him.

If anything happened to him it would affect them for the rest of their lives. No matter how much grief you get from him, you need to put a stop to it. It's not that bloody hard to go with them is it.

AurraSing · 22/11/2011 11:19

I don't think you are BU at all. As others have said, 3 is far to young and it's not fair on the older two to have that responsiblity

Could you pop round snd see how far the park is from your ex's house? It may put your mind at rest. Hopefully.

Original poster

stayformulledwine · 22/11/2011 11:20

Bossy - thats why I posted this thread really. I know I am not being unreasonable and I am hoping to get that through to him, but if not, I may just print off this thread and give it to him. As for a new strumpet, one can only hope. Though not in terms of leaving the kids alone!

OP posts:

DSM · 22/11/2011 11:21

No no no YANBU.

I wouldn't allow that for a second. But, I wouldn't allow DS (nearly 7) to go to the park on his own, and he is an extremely sensible, well behaved, mature boy. But he is 6. No no no.

Saying that though - I live in a city so maybe have a different view. My DB and DSil lives in a small village though and they wouldnt let their DC's out alone. I'd be awful worried - a 7 and 6 year old can't defend themselves from an attacker, and that can happen anywhere. Not scaremongering - I just couldn't forgive myself if the unthinkable happened. I do advocate and promote independence, but in my own way. And you in yours, which is fine.

You're obviously not happy at XP's choice though so I'd be laying down the law. Especially with something i consider a pretty big deal.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 22/11/2011 11:21

Bossy - I'd simply tell him that if he let DS go with them again he'd have to see me in court re access. I'm pretty much a live & let live kind of person and don't expect the rules to be the same at both houses about everything - but there are some things that are just a step too far and this would be one of them.

BoffinMum · 22/11/2011 11:22

YANBU

If they are too young to walk to school alone, they are too young to go to the park unsupervised.

3 is much too young - perhaps a secondary school aged child could supervise, if very sensible and depending on the circumstances, but this sounds entirely inappropriate.

BoffinMum · 22/11/2011 11:23

Mine didn't go to the park alone until they were about 9, and only then in a gang with friends.

I am quite gung ho about kids' independence, as well.

Rikalaily · 22/11/2011 11:40

God I don't even let my 9 & 6 year old play out in the street outside our house, I know I'm over protective but allowing children that young to play unsupervised and also allow them to look after a toddler is madness. I would be having serious words to him!

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