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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL and sexism

28 replies

Justmovedfeelingbad · 21/11/2011 18:16

It's Dh's birthday, my FIL and BIL and his wife are downstairs with DH and my 2 DS.
And I am up here in an absolute RAGE because my FIL thinks it's funny to degrade women at every slip of conversation.
We are watching quiz shows on the TV just to pass time until BIL and his wife appeared and were having a great time shouting out answers until he started getting all sexist - apparently my mum and I were shouting out answers that 'only brain dead women would know'.
Cue a huge shouty arguement between him and my mum (she was a single parent who brought up daughters - there's a shit load of stuff that we had to know to 'get by' without men ffs!)
I had to get up and leave the room, I am so offended by some of the stuff he was saying - seriously. He thinks he is hilarious, I am actually properly horrified. DH has noticed - apparently I'm to let it go, as it's 'just his humour'.
Why is this ok?
He is saying this stuff in front of my two boys(who are thankfully very young and hopefully not taking it on board!), who I want to bring up to show that women are just as capable as men and should be respected - by god if he puts stuff like those jokes in their heads I'll murder him!

Anyway, I'm off back downstairs now, as it is DH's birthday. BIL is here now. Just had to get that out.

AIBU to be raging? I don't think so. But I'm sure I'm about to be contradicted somehow.
There's just some things that are downright wrong. And I'm not usually very easily offended!

OP posts:

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 18:20

I would not tolerate this behaviour at all.
Don't stoop to his level by throwing an 'old man stereotype' his way because you'll be no better. But tell him in uncertain terms why you are angry and that he must stop doing it now.

I did this with my dad once about comments he was making that I felt were wholly inappropriate and I told him in no uncertain terms that I was offended and that I would leave if he continued.
He has never spoken this way again (not around me at least).

Your DH should not allow it either.

DamnBamboo · 21/11/2011 18:21

And anyway, don't worry about his impact on your boys. You sound more than capable of showing them right from wrong

VeniVidiVino · 21/11/2011 18:23

YANBU.

FiL is clearly a sexist knob. DH should be more supportive IMHO.

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 21/11/2011 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRuderBarracuda · 21/11/2011 18:40

YANBU.

Sign of a bad loser. Your intelligence is getting to him (and your mum's).

I would probably take great delight in needling him and making him huff and puff and point out that bad losers always blame the questions/opponents as opposed to accepting they're just a bit crap.

pinklaydee · 21/11/2011 18:45

My dad says similarly outrageous things, and while it winds me up, we don't see him enough for me to feel I have to say anything. I don't think that anything you say will change your FIL, Im afraid.
I sometimes get wound up by my MIL and SIL saying stereotypical things in front of my DD and DS, usually about boys not having pink things or something. But again, they don't see them enough to have any major influence. On the other hand, they are stuck with me and my views instead!

Meta4 · 21/11/2011 18:45

Where are you?

If at his house, not a lot you can do.

If at your house, ask him to relieve you of the displeasure of his company.

Kladdkaka · 21/11/2011 18:47

Tell him straight. 'Don't calumniate women to cover up your nescience!'

Original poster

Justmovedfeelingbad · 21/11/2011 18:54

Thanks everyone - suppose am just looking for some validation. He's not an old man by any stretch of the imagination (he's 53), but he is so stuck in his ways it's untrue. He stereotypes his daughters all the time - does my head in. We don't really get on, I suppose because he sees me as headstrong and always doing, in his eyes, un-womanly things (like when we moved house I helped them move all the furniture).
He's so controlling, it really gets on my wick. Treats all of his kids like, well, kids, even though they are all adults. Tries to treat me like his child. Doesn't get away with it.
Keep having to come up here to let off steam. Hoping he goes away soon.
He's usually an anti-social bastard, so this length of stay is unprecedented!

OP posts:

precariouslybalanced · 21/11/2011 18:56

Ugh, such a pain to have to deal with this stuff. My Dad occasionally comes up with blindingly sexist comments, mostly born of his own experience of a certain type of woman, it has to be said. It's even more annoying with him as he raised me to be the complete opposite of said type of woman! Grrrr. I think he just likes to vent sometimes, likes to whinge about women in the way women can whinge about how useless/un-house-trained men are (for eg). The way I see it, it's an open battle, and I always give as good as I get. Ultimately, we all know it's completely ridiculous to generalise about 3bn people, one way or the other. I'd take it the way it's meant and respond in kind, being careful to NEVER let him get away with it (and implicitly condone his behaviour) - your kids will learn that it's not as black and white as either party makes out.

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 18:57

My dad says borderlinee sexist/sizeist/racist stuff. Not nearly as strong as your FIL. I always challenge him. I really don't know what I'd do if it was my FIL. Maybe try and think of some witty one-liners and keep them in reserve next time he says something.

highlandcoo · 21/11/2011 18:58

Annoying I agree, but maybe better to laugh at him as if he's an idiot rather than let him see how much he's riled you? Of course then he'll be even crosser ...

JamieComeHome · 21/11/2011 18:58

It's a shame your DH doesn't have more backbone, as well. It is much easier for people to challenge their own parents

reelingintheyears · 21/11/2011 18:58

How old is your FIL?

Old these days isn't an excuse to be rude/sexist.

If he was a young man in the sixties he really should know better.

pooter · 21/11/2011 19:06

Ydnbu. I have a similar fil, and find it so wearing to be on my guard all of the time waiting until he says something offensive. I rarely let it pass, but hate having to challenge him. I think one day I will just be straight with him and tell him that I don't want to hear sexist,racist or homophobic comments in my house. I'm wary of causing offence to mil or dh. Of course it should be dh who has the chat...anyway, I feel your pain.

Original poster

Justmovedfeelingbad · 21/11/2011 19:06

FIL is 53. Not old by any stretch of imagination!

Sad thing is, he's actually (usually) a very intelligent person. He is a high school teacher.

DH finds it extremely hard to talk to his dad. It's a strange and fraught relationship, like he's conditioned into thinking he is a child whenever he is around him. FIL dominates everything when he is around.

OP posts:

shakemyhead · 21/11/2011 19:16

Pointless ?

eurochick · 21/11/2011 19:29

I think I'd play him at his own game. If he shouts out a wrong answer crack up and say loudly "Fancy a man not knowing that. A MAN. And a teacher too." Etc. See how he likes his own medicine.

Flanelle · 21/11/2011 19:39

I don't think I'd reply in kind - two wrongs 'n' all that.. I'd answer just as I would to anyone, dad, fil, anyone. "You're being rude. We don't talk like that, or tolerate it. Please either keep your sexist comments to yourself, or leave."

cricketballs · 21/11/2011 20:03

it sounds to me like he was doing the usual sense of humour stuff rather than actually being sexist - you know the sort of stuff; blond jokes, women driving jokes etc. Just like most of us women do about a man not being able to do more than one job at a time, only thinking about sex etc.......

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 21/11/2011 20:08

My grandfather lived until his 90s and has been dead for many years and he would never have said something like that. Age is not an excuse for being an offensive fuckwit.

hugglymugly · 21/11/2011 20:20

There really isn't any excuse for that kind of attitude, especially in someone of that age (i.e. he's young enough to have been educated by the '60s revolution), and more importantly in someone who is a teacher and has presumably gone through various courses on how not to be sexist. I'd guess he displays those attitudes in his/your home because he can get away with it, whereas if he did that at school he'd be hauled over the coals.

It's a difficult situation for your DH to be in, and he's probably still struggling against the notion of respect for his parent, while not knowing how to stand up against his father's behaviour. Your DH might benefit from a book called "Toxic Parents", which is often recommended over on the "Stately Homes" threads.

Obviously, this situation needs careful handling, because your DH finds the relationship with his DF very difficult (and that's painful for anyone to acknowledge). But continuing interaction with this person and his sexist attitude will have an effect on your children, whether they're sons or daughters.

Pendeen · 21/11/2011 20:32

"... Sad thing is, he's actually (usually) a very intelligent person. He is a high school teacher ..."

The two are not necessarily connected you know.

kelly2000 · 21/11/2011 20:40

I would hardly say being a teacher means someone is very clever to be honest.
Next time he acts like this just look at him and say "you come across as a veyr silly little man when you act like that, and when you are under my roof do not behave like that" or maybe go more for laughs and say "you have a bit of an obsession with what genitalia people have, why is that?" or "you have real issues with women, have you thought about marrying a man?". It always baffles me that sexist men also tend to be homophobic, you think if they thought men were so much better they would rather marry them. Do not get into a debate with him it is obviously what he wants.

ZacharyQuack · 21/11/2011 21:17

Are you in your own home? Take him aside and say that he is being very offensive to both your mother and yourself and if he doesn't feel that he can behave better, then he should go home.

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