AIBU to feel stressed and anxious about this child's eating behaviour?

[PersilSledge]

DC (6) has a friend who visits fairly regularly, often after school for tea. This child is an engaging character and very bright. However his eating behaviour is very odd. He will only eating bread products, preferably white, with butter or jam. If I cook a dinner for the others he will not eat a mouthful but politely asks for bread and butter.
I have seen him do just the same at home and the parents just fetch the bread and butter. Not sure what happens when they don't have visitors but they are a very caring family and I'm sure they have a tactic but when I have gently probed I have been gently stonewalled.
The worst is that he seems anxious at meal times and doesn't ever seem to enjoy food. This seems such an unhealthy attitude to food and I worry about his health and future life.
I brought him home the other day and his lunch box fell open and it was full of empty Mini Cheddars packs, and chocolate wrappers. The child is pitifully underweight and physically less developed than his peers. His sibling, who also visits us, is perfectly "normal" and relaxed about food.
I haven't said anything else, to the child or parents, and I just serve him the dinner I cook and give bread if he asks. However, I feel very anxious about him, almost as though I am letting him down by not doing anything but I feel tht butting my big nose in is probably the wrong thing to do. WWYD?

(I have name changed for obvious reasons.)

If the child is "pitifully underweight" then this is worrying. Not sure what I would do. Possibly I would have a word discreetly with the teacher. Something like you know that they school (rightly so) cannot discuss this child with you, but you are just making them aware of your concerns.

If the child is so visibly underweight/underdeveloped, then the school will either know what the issue is (and whether the situation is being monitored)or if for some reason they haven't noticed, then it will be fairly apparent, and it is up to them to probe further.

On a practical note I would just continue giving him bread, butter or whatever as there is clearly an issue here.

Have you asked his parents what they would like you to do if he refuses his dinner?

If he is very underweight it's possible his parents have been told to just give him whatever he will eat, especially if it is tied up with other health issues or suspected SEN that the parents might not be keen to tell everyone about.

It's not really your problem. The parents clearly feed him SOMETHING unless he is collecting empty crips and chocolate wrappers off the floor so it's just his poor diet making him small and underweight.

If I was really worried, I might mention that he made no attempt to eat any dinner to the parents, but leave it at that.

Well for what it is worth I'd feel distressed about this too. It could be that the poor diet is causing the low weight/restricted eating or it could be that the child has anxiety issues about food and the parents have been encouraged by a clinician to allow him to eat whatever he will eat right now and focus on reducing the anxiety before widening his diet. I've certainly read a few threads where parents have talked about being advised to take this tack. It might be worth doing an advanced search perhaps? Just o give you a bit more of an idea of the sort of issues that might be underlying the behaviour.

My DS1 had issues with food, and if I hadn't worked hard on it his diet would have been very restricted. You don't know what his parents are doing about it, and also it may be that at your house he will be less likely to eat anything remotely out of his comfort zone. Also, when you are at his house, his parents may give in to him because they are reluctant for others to witness a confrontation or tantrum. I'm just guessing here.

If he is underweight, then I don't see any harm at all in alerting the school to your worries. Ask to speak to the Child Protection Officer. It may not be news to them, it may be part of a picture they know about.

I dont actually think you should do anything tbh, if like you say he has a kind caring family then im sure they have it in hand. Im not sure even speaking with school would actually help either.

For now just have word with his parents and see what they would like you to do when you have him over for a meal. One of my DDs friends has ASD and major food issues, he dad actually sends his food with him in a second lunch box . I dont make an issue of it and he happily sits there with his brenard mathews turkey slices and plain bun.

DS1 (6yo) has been a really fussy eater since about age 2 when one by one, he dropped his favourite foods til there was almost nothing left that he would eat.

Earlier this year, he was finally able to accurately describe his sore stomach, which I had always assumed was down to his milk intolerence, and it turns out he has reflux. He has probably had it all along, and I am pretty certain it is related to his tongue tie and high palate- which makes him swallow extra air.

I decided to stop putting pressure on him and let him eat whatever he chooses until we see if a tongue tie operation helps. It seems that the more he has to chew, the more air he takes in and the more chance he will regurgitate food which burns like buggery, so he now mostly eats sloppy food - porridge, custard, yogurt etc. A sandwich is the chewiest thing he eats, and even then, it will always have a soft filling like pate or peanut butter.

I imagine that if he was eating at a friends house, he would completely refuse food that hurts his stomach, which is why I usually send him with a packed lunch.

So, from my experience, I would be inclined to think that there may well be more to this boy's fussy eating than you know about. And they might stonewall you because they don't want to have to explain things again and again. Or maybe they don't want "helpful" hints on fussy eating.

my dd is admittedly younger (2) but only eats toast and peanut butter and petit filous. we have learned to ride with it, occasionally try new stuff (she refuses or takes a bite and says yuk) we've trying bribery, cold turkey "our way or nothing" etc etc. I am very aware she's not normal about this but I would be so upset if people commented on it especially in front of her. our nursery are fab and really relaxed about it all, she'll grow out of it one day, til then I am trying not to be stressed (or let her be stressed)

I wouldnt do anything , as others have said school cannot fail to be aware that he is low in weight/small. However if the other child in the family looks normal and eats a varied diet then it's hardly going to be as a result of abuse ( and yes i know that that occasionally happens ). The family are probably working through strategies to help their son and dont want to discuss it with everyone .

i don't think you should do anything, otehr than ask the parents what they'd like you to do if he doesn't eat.

if they have one child who is absolutely fine with food then I think it's fairly clea that the parents aren't causing this issue and that they know he has food issues, and that they are doing whatever they can to help him with it. they simply don't feel it necessary to share that information with you

i'd also say that school are likely to know about it too, given that they don't mind him eating crisps and chocolate every day for lunch!

unless you think the child is being maltreated and/or his parents have no idea that there is anything wrong with what he is eating then you need to just leave it.

Children I know with strange 'fussy' eating habits include two boys who had to have operation on their stomachs when younger, one of whom is really only comfortable eating sloppy food when outside his own home, children with ear problems that make chewing uncomfortable (mostly resolved by grommets but one has been left very reluctant to eat, understandably and it's not my job to push), and a couple who are very sensitive to certain tastes and textures.

The parents may well not want to discuss whatever is going on with you - that doesn't mean they aren't doing anything.

Surely though, if you know a child well enough for them to be eating at your house, you know the parents well enough to discuss the childs eating habits?

You could be describing my DS, except he's only 4. His diet is limited to:
Dry cornflakes
Weetabix
Peanut butter and Chocolate spread sandwiches (crappy white bread)
Odd yoghurt
Sometimes beans
Sometimes sausages
Biscuits, Chocolate, & Sweets

He has just started eating Bananas, and will bite, but not swallow, the odd apple.

He was of course weened onto all the right foods all lovingly prepared....now, the above, but has fads between that crap list.

As a child i didnt eat properly until i was about 5-6, until then i managed on milk and cheesy puffs. When i did start eating 'food' it was a slow process, and consisted of whatever i wanted tbh. It worked, I found a love for food. (Too much in the last few years since being a SAHM next to the fridge )

I have taken the same tack with my DS as my Dmom was advised for me, whatever whenever! Im sure he will be fine, and for now I cant refuse him the only foods he will eat because its not the thing to do,( - ie, eating biscuits for breakfast) I have seen him go a few days without eating anything at all and I feel this is worse than eating a bit of crap to keep him going.

It is a pain in thearse though, especially compared to my dustbin DD (3years old) who will honestly eat anything put in front of her!

Babydubs, thank god there is someone like my ds, he is three and I thought I had written your post. I waver between frantic worrying and trying to be relaxed about it. All my other children ate with no problems. I even tried to raise it with my GP but he said my ds looks fine and not to worry.

Sorry op hijacking your thread, but at least you know now that there appears to be quite a few children the same, however, I would be so hurt if someone went to the school instead of talking to me first.

I wonder how your "gentle probing" came across to the parent? They clearly don'twant to discuss this with you.

You'd be shocked at DD2's diet then. Most people wouldn't believe how little she eats (and only certain food too) because she's a normal weight and of above average height.

What do you do if they don't eat? I mean, seriously what do you do? In our case we keep offering normal healthy food at every mealtime but let her eat her usual pitiful range and amount hoping that she'll eventually come round. She is improving very slowly everyday. Maybe the other family have a strategy too. If this little boy is seriously underweight they are probably seeing someone and the situation being monitored.