to just keep one room in the house 'nice'

[Lexie1970]

OH currently has the hump with me big time.

His parents came to visit yesterday and his dad has to use a wheelchair. When they are at home he only uses the wheelchair when going out and uses his wife to help him get around their ground floor maisonette.

In our previous house I didn't worry about shoes in the house but fully respected other peoples homes by taking our shoes off if we visited as always had wooden floors and tiles that could be wiped.

MIL proceeded to wheel FIL straight over my spotless cream carpets and then DS wanted to be wheeled around the living room. I could feel the steam coming out of my ears and yelled to DS that you do not do wheelies on mummie's cream carpet you can do wheelies in the hall!! OH gives me the 'look' which I ignore and then towards the end of afternoon we are having tea and cake in our kitchen / diner and MIL wants to eat her cake in living rooom. I say no we do not eat in that room as it is the one room in the house that is being kept nice.

We have spent a lot of money on sofas/ furnishings and DS knows that it is not for him to play in that room and he only goes in there to sit quietly - no food, no drink, no toys nothing!!

I need to add that the rest of the house is a complete free for all but do want shoes taken off in house as mud gets trailed everywhere. Is it too much to ask that one room in our entire house gets to stay pristine? OH currently thinks I am the bitch from hell and totally unreasonable. We do have another living room with TV and sofa in it so there is somewhere else to sit........

Thanks as it is distinctly siberia like in our house at the moment :)

NO no wasn't meant to be insulting (as someone who is thoroughly working class and lives in a shit tip anyway) - I mean in times of old even very working class people having a front parlour that was untouched.

I did read the thread and actually we too are moving to a bigger house with the ability to have naice grown up room with no toys and all. That said I would get hung up about wheelchairs and adults eating cake. No one is suggesting you have to live with milkshake stains and lego all over the place - that is an extreme argument but making people feel uncomfy in your house for the sake of a bit of cake is plainly ridiculous.

I think I know what you mean. I grew up in a tiny, tiny terraced house & there were six of us but we were never allowed in the front room or "parlour" as we called it.

All the best furniture was in there. The difference with us and the OP's situation though, is that our parlour never got used as there never was an occasion good enough in my mother's eyes . I think it was simply bonkers to keep one room unused in such a small house.

Add to that the fact that 4 children were squashed in one bedroom because my mother thought the back bedroom was haunted!

Your choice. I personally couldn't cope with the stress of policing the use of the room by visitors and getting worked up by it.

I'd say it was working class too, but that's because I only ever mixed with working class people when I was younger.

Nice adult room I can understand. No shoes I can understand. No cake, I get that one too. But no wheelchair? Really?

I'll try and explain this the best I can.

My MILs house layout is such that, rather than using the door straight from the hallway, it's easier to go through the kitchen, turn left onto the wooden flooring of the living room and then step onto the carpeted section.

Upon entering the hallway you will have to remove your shoes and replace them with slippers, which must be worn on all downstairs tiled flooring e.g. wooden part of living room, kitchen, downstairs toilet. To step onto the carpet you must remove said slippers and walk in either socks or bare feet onto the carpet. Ditto for going upstairs. Her father is in a wheelchair and, out of respect, stays on the wooden living room floor rather than going onto the carpet.

YANBU!

I don't think that it is reasonable for you to decide whether it is appropriate for someone with mobility issues to use their wheelchair in your home. Definitely no wheelies, but if your FIL wants to use his wheelchair instead of being reliant on your MIL to help him about when he is in your home then I think that you should respect that. I think you should allow him into any room which you would let any other adult into. He may find your chairs difficult to sit in/get out of or might not want to be seen to be reliant on your MIL out of his own home.

I can't believe you are complaining about your FIL using his wheelchair! Whoopee - how is it rude? Should she just wheel him out back and make him sit in the garden?

TBH won't the tracks hoover out of the carpet. Poor man. It must be hard for him. Perhaps he is more important than a cream carpet.

I think you should be glad that he has come to see you and perhaps your DH finds it distressing about the chair and suggesting that his dad is not in good health and thinks the cream carpet is not that important.

meh to parlours here, but it's your house

YABU about the wheelchair.

Dh and I have a room that is kept in beautiful order. We never have issues of people eating in it, people doing wheelies in their wheelchairs or pushing muddy buggies over it. That's because it is our bedroom. With very few exception very few people come into our bedroom. It is on the second floor, so no one really has any need to do so.

Our dds are allowed to watch tv in there, but this is a treat. No shoes in there, but because a bedroom is seen as more personal/private (and rightly so) than a dining/living room, this never poses a problem.

Actually I think only one of my close friends has been up there.

Agreeing with others that the 'room kept for best' is very working-class. I come from so far down the working-class that we never had a 'best room' - tiny, four-bedroom cottage with four children, two parents and four adult members of the extended family living there, plus the children my childminder mother looked after in the daytime - but it's the one thing my mother always dreamed of, a room where you could lock the door and 'keep nice' for visitors. My rural grandmother (in Ireland) used to coop everyone into the kitchen for sitting, eating, talking, television, while the large 'parlour' was only ever opened the twice a year that the priest called to collect his dues...

My sense is that very middle-class people are much more relaxed about children's toys and baskets of laundry everywhere, whether or not there are visitors...?

DP & I are trying to sell our London flat at the moment so it is like a show home all the time. i am looking forward to being in our v expensive new house which i have taken to calling 'the shit pit' & never tidying up ever again.

YANBU You have one, and only one room in the house that is not covered in kiddie crap toys. You have furnishings and colours that most parents can only dream of until DCs are past their teens, you have spent money on this and cherish it. Maybe your DH probably felt a bit at the general situation and hopefully, next time you can steer everyone to where you want them.

And why are you so CERTAIN that his condition (or hers!) hasn't deteriorated such that the chair is now required most of the time?!?!?!

The facts you state are perfectly fine, but your attitude is indeed "the Bitch from Hell"! Instead of yelling at your DS, try ASKING FIL to do wheelies play with his grandson in the hall FFS! (unless it was the kid playing with the chair while FIL watched with the rest of the adults? In which case, still, try ASKING not shouting ignoring irony of using caps in telling someone not to shout)

And speaking of bitch, I should go to bed. Sorry, clearly wheelchairs are a button for me (not sure why, I've not been super close to anyone who had to use one full-time)

I know I am coming across as extremely precious re the wheelchair, but at least myself and dp actually agree that his father should not have been wheeled across the carpet. The chair is used outside and bought mud and grass into living room - mud and grass can go throough hall and kitchen as tiled.

The wheelies were being encouraged by MIL and of course DS thought this was great fun. The shouting was more than likely directed at MIL as I thought she was the one being thoughtless about my house.

When we visited them a couple of months ago it was strained as FIL was watching the grand prix with the volume turned up so much you could barely hear yourself talk. We had to eat our meal with that blaring and FIL only acknowledged us when GP was over and we had finished eating.

There is history going back years and I find them very difficult and no doubt they think / say the same about me.......

Now got to ring her and try and apologise that she felt so uncomfortable in our house yet FIL was supposed to apologise to DP for his behaviour - he is still waiting for that.....

Deep breath and dial!

I'm feeling quite uncomfortable about your attitude towards the wheelchair tbh. Underlying your post is that you never want fil in your "best" room. Other people are permitted but minus their shoes.

I have no idea if your fil really needs the wheelchair or not. However you are always going to look really unpleasant if you try and contain your fil in certain rooms, when others are allowed in the best room with shoes off and no food.

As someone else suggested, perhaps in his own home he chooses not to use it as he has mil to support him round and possibly strategically placed furniture or whatever to assist him.

Cream carpet (imo) was a bad plan. Your decision of course, but it does rather exclude fil if he chooses/needs to use a wheelchair to get around. (unless of course you are saying that he is "putting it on" and doesn't really need one, but this seems somewhat unlikely)

I think OP has got it just right. There is nothing wrong with wanting a nice haven of peace and tranquility and somewhere tidy and relaxing. I would do the same if I had the space. So you are definitely not being unreasonable. x

Trying to put myself into MIL's shoes: assuming that FIL has deteriorated in mobility and needs to be wheeled in to a room with a cream carpet, and I know the wheels will take mud and grass in there - surely I would turn to DIL and say something along the lines of "Maybe best to put some newspaper down for the wheels dear, before I take him in; it's been wet out."

YANBU

When we lived in a small house, just one living room downstairs it was never possible to sit in a quiet tidy room and I found it very stressful.

Personally, I thnk parents should have a room they can control and keep 'nice' and where toys, noise, food and dirt are kept to a minimum. Children need their own space too where they can do more or less as they please but it is beyond me how people can live in a house where DCs are just allowed to trail their toys, dirt, food everywhere in every room.

In fact, when I read a thread about DH coming home and complaining the house is messy to a SAHM and asking her what she has done all day I often think that the problem is that the SAHM should just keep one adult room tidy where her and DH can relax away form mess and dirt. There is nothing worse than coming home after a hard day at work to find a house which is untidy, dirty, noisy and chaotic in every room.

We do not allow our chidlren to go in every room in our house with adult permission. They have their own bathroom, bedroom, work room and play room where thay can relax/play/work and they can eat in the kitchen but everywhere else is strictly out of bounds without our permission.

Yes I DO judge middle class 'bohemian' types with filthy chaotic houses. It is slovenly to live in filth - not boho chic.

It sounds like a lack of thought and organisation n your part OP....if it were me I would invest in some of those clear plastic mat/runner type things and lay them down whn FIL was due.

Otherwise you appear very weird/fussy and yes...a bit Nouveau Riche....I imagine your sofa with the clingfilm still on.

More Beta, you are very fortunate to have all that extra space. Most people live with less space. We are very lucky to have a downstairs extension which makes such a difference as we have a family area and a front room plus extra bathroom (great for teenagers).

Ironically that wasn't always the case as we couldn't afford the extension when the kids were little when we could have done with the extra space for toys etc.

I did try to keep the toys out of the front room though as much as possible and they were kept tidy in the dining room.

I think the runner idea is excellent Ragdoll