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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked thar dh thinks his parents were good parents?

25 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 19/11/2011 21:09

Over the years that I've been with dh, I've heard many stories from him and his siblings (told in a "funny story"kind of way) about how their mother went on massive rages when they were kids, screaming at them that they were "cunts, pricks and bastards" and often beating them for something very minor.

She ran at dh with a knife calling him "a stupid fucking cunt" when he was about 10 as he spilt custard in the floor etc

All are now adults and extremely close to their parents and don't appear to have any resentment towards them over their childhood.

Dh and I were having a general chat about parenting tonight and how most have some issue over something their parents did even if they were pretty good parents.

I asked dh what he thought of his and he replied that he thinks they did their best and were very good parents.

AIBU to be quite shocked by this?

OP posts:
southeastastra · 19/11/2011 21:10

sort of, doesn't every child think their parents are good, no matter how 'bad' they are?

pictish · 19/11/2011 21:12

Yanbu to have your own opinion about what is and what is not acceptable as regards to raising kids.
Yabu to expect your dp to think of his parents badly. He clearly loves them.

saintlyjimjams · 19/11/2011 21:14

Blimey - sounds a bit extreme. Was he/is he loved by his parents? If so maybe that was enough iykwim.

LavendarPlum · 19/11/2011 21:15

Do you have DC with your DH? I'd be quite worried that he thought this sort of thing was good parenting.

Tee2072 · 19/11/2011 21:18

I've heard the same sort of stories from my husband, not a knife, but being chased with a hairbrush and things like that.

And yet, if you ask him, he had a very happy childhood. Hmm

And, yes, we have a child. And, no, he'd never chase our son with a hairbrush.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 19/11/2011 21:19

I am under no illusion with my parents. Both a pair of twunts. DH is a bit like this with his dad. Now that they are back in touch, he seems to have forgotten all the beatings etc.

Most of the time blokes simply don't want to break it down and analyse it though.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/11/2011 21:20

I think there is a bit of a taboo about saying your parents were bad (not on MN! But in general there is). Maybe he feels that since he now has a good relationship, he has to rationalize it? Or maybe he is feeling a bit guilty for telling you anecdotes that he now feels emphasized the bad side?

It might be more useful to ask him how he feels about certain issues of parenting to see if he's on the same page as you/discussing how the two of you parent (I don't know if you have children or not).

mynewpassion · 19/11/2011 21:20

All are now adults and extremely close to their parents and don't appear to have any resentment towards them over their childhood.

I think the above answers your question, doesn't it? Rages might have been far and few while the loving was constant.

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 19/11/2011 21:22

lavendar that's exactly the point I made to dh - that I found concerning...

That said, yes - we have 3 - oldest is 6 and he has never behaved even remotely close to anything like this towards them.

binfull there is a girl though and she's of the same opinion as dh it seems..

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 19/11/2011 21:24

mynewpassion his mother has said that she has never once told any of her children she loved them and they didnt cuddle etc (are not affectionate at all)

OP posts:
BerthaTheBogBurglar · 19/11/2011 21:47

Well, maybe the good outweighed the bad sufficiently.

Or maybe he hasn't processed it yet. Go read a Stately Homes thread. Countless posters start with "my childhood wasn't that bad, my parents did their best". Then they get to talking and thinking and viewing their childhood through other people's eyes and start to realise that perhaps their parents weren't so good.

Your childhood experiences are what is normal for you. Accepting that your parents didn't love you / didn't do their best / abused you etc is very very hard. Its much safer to believe that they were good parents.

If dh doesn't see it, and his parenting is ok, and the grandparents aren't showing signs of trying to repeat the experience with their gcs, I wouldn't rock the boat.

NinkyNonker · 19/11/2011 21:51

I think there is a huge amount of cognitive dissonance involved in this sort of thing. We all want to have perfect parents, so sometimes we create them in our heads without realising. It is a horrible feeling, wondering if maybe they weren't so people build internal barriers to protect themselves from it.

phyllisdiller · 19/11/2011 22:56

Perhaps his mother had very bad PMT? Your DH sounds very loyal, that is a good thing.

My Mum used to rage a bit and do things that would now get a flaming in AIBU, but I suspect she possibly had PND and PMT and absolutely no support for the former not much for the latter. Did Dr?s even believe such things existed in the 70?s/early 80?s?

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 19/11/2011 23:29

Her children now range from 29 - 21 so first was born in 82 I think she did have pmt to be honest, she told me before that she used to feel uncontrollably angry just before her period.

I also know her own mother treated her terribly.

Horrible I know and will sound terribly unsympathetic but this doesn't change the fact that (IMO( she was a rubbish mother and still very surprised by dh'a opinion. If I started screaming "cunt and bastard" at his children tomorrow while beating the shit out of them, I very much doubt he'd consider me to be a good mother (actually, I know he'd take them away from me and he'd be right)

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 19/11/2011 23:29

Really good points Bertha and ninky - food for thought and interesting..

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/11/2011 12:10

Agree with Bertha... it's a bit like the rationalising that some people do for 'rape', far easier to believe it wasn't that word. I personally think that those who try to force the 'victim' into a mindset they don't want cause damage too.

JamieComeHome · 20/11/2011 12:15

I also agree with Ninky. It's good that your DH seems to have processed this to the extent that he wouldn't parent his own children that way. OTOH, I'd be surprised if that kind of treatment hadn't had some kind of effect on his self-confidence or assertiveness.

BadTasteFlump · 20/11/2011 12:15

DH's parents were a bit nuts too - I've been told similar kinds of stories. He isn't close to them now (we hardly ever see them actually), but he will say his childhood was fine and doesn't have an issue with it.

I think that reflects the fact that DH is a very sensible, grounded and 'stable' person, who doesn't like to think badly of anyone - and definitely doesn't ever hold grudges or dwell on things. All good IMO. And your DH sounds similar from what you say.

maypole1 · 20/11/2011 12:23

To be honest if people didn't think abusive parents were not good their wouldn't be the cycle of abuse

I work with ss and I can tell you how heart breaking it is that many of the children do not see how their family circumstances are not correct and it's only usually when their placed with in a good enough parroting enviorment they can see.

If he's only lived in that family how would he know how they acted was wrong

You also find many of these trouble parents surround themselves with friends who are similar so their world view never is challenged

Thats why when abuse or neglect happens none of the adults challenge the parents because they are usually of the same ilk

BarkisIsWillin · 20/11/2011 13:01

Your dh says he 'thinks they did their best' - that's not saying that he thinks what they did was right or good, just that they did what they could under whatever circumstances/ constraints they lived under. We are all only as good as we can be on any particular day, some days this can mean different things.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/11/2011 13:05

YABU.. I think the ultimate test of a good parent is what kind of adults their children become and what kind of relationship they have with each other and other people. If your DH and any siblings have good relationships with their parents and are well-adjusted adults & decent parents themselves then who is to say that the style of upbringing they received was wrong? It certainly sounds challenging on the face of it but, if they have emerged able to laugh at the experience, how bad could it have really been and how much of it is exaggeration for effect? I think it's patronising to suggest that they didn't know any different. Maybe not at the time but they will have had plenty of chance to compare and reflect as adults.

TattyDevine · 20/11/2011 17:27

Oh I don't know...the stories are told in a jokey way, it sort of makes me wonder if she did these things and then they all ended up cracking up laughing on the floor over how ridiculous it was at the time too.

Hard to know.

There was plenty of rage in my house, in bursts, and fairly long gaps in between, but when my dad went troppo he really did, and you'd get a "clip over the ear" which was basically a smack on the side of the head so hard you would sometimes see stars. But I don't resent him for that nearly as much as I resent (if that's the right word - because honestly I have let it go now all these years have gone by) - my mum for doing the passive agressive sulking thing and if you upset her she would literally punish you for days and days and days. It took absolutely AGES for her to let it go. She could take you to a school function, act absolutely normal, you'd think, excellent, she's finally over it, then you'd get back in the car and the frost would decend yet again!

She doesn't do it anymore. I guess it was the only way she knew how to express her displeasure and frustration and parenting at the time.

But I'd take a clip over the ear over that any day.

Perhaps they "blew up" then moved on instantly, had a laugh, and made up. Who knows?

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 20/11/2011 17:29

So what d you want? Him to say "You're right and they were crap and I hate them"?

yellowraincoat · 20/11/2011 17:32

I agree with what Tatty said. And some people just process stuff differently. My brother says our childhood was great, I personally struggle to even speak to my parents a lot of the time, because I feel they treated me so badly.

If your husband is happy, and doesn't treat your kids the way his parents treated him, I'd leave it.

ll31 · 20/11/2011 17:33

yabu to expect that just because they did bad things (very bad things) on occasion that he might not love them - - no one is perfect, they may have been less perfect than most but that wouldnt' necessarily stop him from remembering the good times too and maybe most of all

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