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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be concerned about my DP ex?

49 replies

littlelegs100 · 19/11/2011 15:41

I'm really worried about my DP's behavior regarding an ex girlfriend. When we first met he told me she was a close friend. Yet, I wasn't allowed to meet her and he wouldn't answer the phone when she called or reply to her texts when I was with him.

Later, he admitted that he had slept with her as a "friend with benefits" on a regular basis for a couple of months. Then he referred to her, in conversation, as an ex girlfriend.

They call each other by pet names. They meet up regularly and he lies about seeing her. I've seen them out together and when I approached them, she saw me coming and ran off. More than once she has been in DP's house and he has denied that she was ever there. Yet when we argued about it, he finally admits it by saying "How do you know?".

I have attempted different ways to make things better, over two years, by asking for the three of us to meet up for a drink, which he has always refused; I've asked him to be honest when he meets her and he continues to lie; I've demanded that he stops seeing her, which he has agreed to then "changes his mind" and is back in touch with her.

I have always, explained that I am concerned about their relationship but he calls me paranoid and controlling. Is he right?

OP posts:

531800000008 · 19/11/2011 15:46

run for the hills

Scoundrel · 19/11/2011 15:47

He's still sleeping with her.

StealthPenguin · 19/11/2011 15:48

You've stuck with this prick for two years?

I'm really sorry, but judging from what you have told me they are carrying on with the relationship right in front of your nose, and openly mocking you and your attempts to make your relationship with DP work.

He's repeatedly lied to your face about her, you've seen them acting suspiciously and he refuses to allow you to socialize with this woman.

If I were you I'd leave him, before he sucks you in further and you end up being one of those women whose partner has affairs, and doesn't even bother to hide it.

fedupofnamechanging · 19/11/2011 15:49

No he is not right. He is lying to you about his relationship with her. If she was genuinely just a friend, he would be happy for you to meet her and to socialise with you both there. The fact that he promises you one thing, but does another and won't talk to her in front of you means that there is something going on that he doesn't want you to know about.

This relationship sounds unhealthy - you need to meet someone who tells you the truth and then you won't need to make demands over who he sees and who he doesn't see.

Time for a new boyfriend, I think. This one is no good.

ISayHolmes · 19/11/2011 15:49

I think they are still sleeping together and are in a quasi-relationship where they have an on-off fling in spite of being with other people. And even if they aren't, your partner is a liar who deceives you about seeing her and then denies it even when you've caught him out. They are emotionally involved. He is not showing you the respect you deserve by deceiving you and attacking you with accusations about being paranoid when you try and point out how wrong the situation is. The fact that she ran off when you saw them speaks volumes- why would she run away unless she had a guilty conscience? Why not stay and say something to you? She knew she, or rather they, had been caught out.

LydiaWickham · 19/11/2011 15:49

He's cheating on you. Even if he's not sleeping with her now, he's emotionally cheating. You don't live together so I'm guessing it would be quite straightforward to end your relationship.

He won't ever treat you and your feelings with respect because you've already let him get away with not doing, and if he cant be committed during the 'honeymoon'/'madly in love' period during the first couple of years of a relationship, there's no hope long term.

I'd walk away. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear.

1Catherine1 · 19/11/2011 15:49

agree with 531800000008. You need to get out NOW. Actually you should have got out a long time ago....

timetoask · 19/11/2011 15:50

In your shoes I would end it with him straight away, bright warning lights beaming, this man cannot be trusted!

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 19/11/2011 15:50

They both sound bonkers and you should get the hell away from them - and him in particular.

LydiaWickham · 19/11/2011 15:52

BTW - it doesn't matter that he says your paranoid, or says you have it wrong about their relationship, this man doesn't make you happy, so while you aren't tied to him, you might as well leave and find someone who will make you happy.

CalmaLlamaDown · 19/11/2011 15:52

You are not paranoid - if he is regularly lying to you about meeting her then how the hell can you believe anything he says?

Minus273 · 19/11/2011 15:53

Lies, sneaking about? Unacceptable I'd kick him into touch.

LineRunnerSaturnalia · 19/11/2011 15:54

I think the part where she 'ran off' shows just how sneaky and immature they are.

mummymccar · 19/11/2011 15:56

I think you need to leave him, you've given him more than enough chances. You're much too good for him. You don't deserve to be messed around like this. As for calling you paranoid? My ex-fiancé was doing that when I had suspicions about him and my friend. Turned out they'd been having an affair and I was spot on. Don't let him make you doubt yourself, you are worth more than that.

WhyAlwaysBoris · 19/11/2011 15:57

He just doesn't sound nice enough for you, Littlelegs

Original poster

littlelegs100 · 19/11/2011 16:00

DP tells me he loves me and if he wanted to be with her then he would. He tells me he only hides seeing her so not to make me anxious. He wants us to marry and I love him soooooo much but everytime we argue about her a little bit of us die

OP posts:

timetoask · 19/11/2011 16:01

If he doesn't want to make you anxious, and he loves you so much he wants to marry you, why on earth does he continue to see her.
OH MY GOODNESS... please open your eyes

Pandemoniaa · 19/11/2011 16:03

He can't love you that much - and sorry to sound so brutal - if he is prepared to treat you so deceitfully. I think he wants it all, I'm afraid and he'd be even worse if you ever managed to drag him up the aisle. Although I suspect he uses marriage as another way to string you along. Cut your losses. This isn't how love should be.

ImperialBlether · 19/11/2011 16:04

He's awful, OP. Get rid of him and have a happy life, not one filled with worries.

ISayHolmes · 19/11/2011 16:05

That's a bullshit excuse on his part.

-He lied about the nature of their relationship
-You have never been allowed to see her.
-You were and are not allowed to be near their communication
-He lies about having met up with her.

WHY would he have done all of these things from the beginning of your relationship? Because it is not what it seems and he doesn't want you to realise that and to find out what they are up to. He pretends it's about not making you anxious but it's been going on since you were first together, before you would have had any anxiety about any of it! They are hiding something- be it emotional or physical- that would constitute cheating.

lisad123 · 19/11/2011 16:07

His sleeping with her and cheating on you. If he cared he wouldn't see her at all. Clearly he thinks your a walk over and your laying down and taking it.
You deserve better, dump the idiot and do better for yourself

fivegomadindorset · 19/11/2011 16:08

He is a lying cheating scumbag.

StealthPenguin · 19/11/2011 16:08

He lies about seeing her so you don't get anxious.

The very fact that he's lying to you makes you anxious!

He's full of shit. I'm really sorry, but he isn't deserving of someone as wonderful as you.

MissMogwi · 19/11/2011 16:09

Get rid of him OP. I'd put money on there being a lot more to their 'friendship'.

She ran away? Alarm bells right there.

lisianthus · 19/11/2011 16:09

Rubbish. (1) it's not making you less anxious - you seem to have made it pretty clear that the lies and sneaking about is PRECISELY what is making you anxious. (2) it would make me wonder what else he is prepared to lie about to you to "avoid making you anxious".

He may say he loves you, but talk is cheap. FGS don't marry or have children with someone you can't trust- and you can't trust someone who lies to you and sneaks around behind your back in this way.

I'm afraid it sounds to me as if he is cheating on you with her as well. It just doesn't sound like a normal innocent friendship at all. A normal innocent female friend would have no problem meeting you.

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