to want DD home with me noooow!

[PersistentWorrier]

This is my first AIBU, so please be gentle, even if I am being PFB-ish after 18 years of motherhood!

Earlier this evening had a long catch-up on the phone with DD (18) who has gone off to university this year, and it sounds like she's having a really rough time of it. She was talking about major difficulties she's having with her flatmates (interfering with her possessions without her permission, appalling hygiene in communal areas, apparently she was up til 4am yesterday trying to clean out the food cupboard in the kitchen after someone left bananas in it that went rotten and the liquid from them went everywhere), she hasn't made any friends on her course or in her halls of residence, her migraines are getting worse, she's sprained her ankle climbing down from her bunkbed and can barely walk so cant get to lectures, she barely has enough money to live on, she's struggling with the course, really missing her boyfriend, it goes on and on.

I just want to bring her home right now and give her a homecooked meal and a big cuddle :( AIBvU and overprotective?

Worrier, I completely understand but has your DD said she wants to come home? Very difficult situation for her but she may be the type who just gets on with it, no matter the difficulties. She's an adult, may have worked very hard to get into university and might just want to stick it out. Be ready with the hug, hot chocolate etc just in case she either turns up on the doorstep or rings and asks you to go and fetch her. So hard for you. (It'll be me this time next year, maybe I'll be posting in similar vein)

i'd be feeling exactly how you are PersistantWorrier

my eldest is 18 too but he's still at home.

It's a weird one as before he never gave me any cause for worry or concern but since he's turned 18 my head is all over the place worrying about him.

At the moment I'm up and awake as his girlfriend is being sick......it was alot easier when they were toddlers

If she wanted to come home, presumably she could? I know it might not be in a budget, but if she was desperate isn't that what credit cards are for. I think you should encourage her to stay and deal with her problems. That said, if she's not very far away, could you go and visit for a day and take her out for lunch?

I remember doing a lot of cleaning in my first year. Some students are just disgusting. I don't think there's a great deal you can do about it. Perhaps she could mention it to management of the hall? We used to have senior residents who did a bit of pastoral care.

Is she involved in any extra curricular stuff? That's often the best way to make friends as you share an interest.

One of my best friends had a miserable first term at a far away university but by about January things had started falling into place and she met some brilliant friends. She ended up living in the university town for several years after her degree and still visits regularly. It will get better!

So far so normal. I feel your pain, but they have to go through it. When DS1 went off to uni, I told him that he was not to come home before Xmas unless in an emergency, but that I would go to him whenever he felt he needed me.

Bless him, he stuck it out, but when I picked him up at the end of the first term he'd lost 2 stone. he had a great Xmas and went from strength to strength when he went back. I think that if they keep coming home for weekends they don't really make the break and often it's too easy for them to jack it in.

Go and visit her, take her out somewhere nice, re-stock her food cupboards and comfort her, but don't bring her home.

Good luck.

Sooo much easier when they're toddlers!! We have 5 - and between broken hearts, broken bones, and broken cars, they keep us busy. You can't sort all her problems out for her, but you can give her the benefit of your experience. I'd like to say it gets easier - but to be honest, the bigger they are, the bigger the bother they are apt to get into!! But you wouldn't be doing her any favours to wrap her in cotton wool. Be encouraging and show her that she has the strength to sort these problems by herself. After all, when she was learning to walk and she fell over, you would encourage her to get up and try again. You wouldn't say, 'Never mind dear, don't bother, it's not worth the effort'!!

OP - on the friends front please, please don't worry. Like your DD I lived with nightmare people in my first year (food issues, hygiene issues, neo-Nazi down the corridor...) and didn't make real friends with any of them. Likewise my lecture theatre was crammed with 200 or so students so it was hard to make the kind of friendships you can in a small group. It wasn't until the end of term/after Christmas when I'd done some group work with people and started different modules with like-minded students that I made the friends that have lasted.

Of all the good friends I've made - we lived together in a rotating, big group and still call each other/meet up/go to each other's weddings etc - I met all but one in the February, or later, of my first year. I only knew one from my first day at uni and we didn't become close until Christmas time.

Perhaps suggest, if she's really finding things tough, to pop into the student advice centre. If they're any good they'll at least have someone she can chat to and who can give her some advice about the best way to approach her flatmates about the food issues. Maybe send her a padlock if her cupboard allows for one? The other trick is to hide any food you like at the very back of the fridge, behind the boring stuff like spread/vegetables, or keep it in your room - after all our lockers got ketchuped I ended up keeping all my tins etc in the bottom of my wardrobe :)

And it's perfectly natural to want to bundle her up and bring her home - my DM still casually offers me the train fare home (I'm a PG student so no money) if she thinks I've been having a tough week and I'm 24! :)

Go see her. Kids generally make loads of friends when they go to Uni.

Why is she in a bunk bed? Why has she not enough to live on, my son gets plenty almost 200 a week, out of that he pays his room at 85 and lives on the rest it's easy he has more disposable income than I do.

Considering changing her course to one nearer home.

OP I feel your pain, she sounds unhappy.

What worries me most - and sorry if I am grasping the wrong point - is her cleaning out a cupboard at 4am. This screams to me major stress, and unusual timing/behaviour.

I would bring her home for the weekend and heap tlc on her.

Presumably she'll be home in a couple of weeks for christmas? Try not to worry too much, she's finding her feet. Skanky kitchens are par for the course in the first year. She might want to join some clubs though if she's not clicking with flat mates as a way to meet friends.

I hated my three months in halls with a passion, and then everything got much better after that.

I think the bad hygiene and unpleasant flatmates is par for the course for a lot of people. If it's become unbearable - and my halls were - she can ask the Uni accommodation service to move her to a different flat/different part of the builidng.

Joining a club is usually a very good way to make friends, and they're usually desperate for people to take part.

The thing is though, I think for many people halls are a bit horrible because they're homesick, they're having to do things for themselves, they suddenly have to budget, and, basically, it's sink or swim time. I'd resist encouraging her to move closer to home now, though, as learning to live in halls is all part of the experience.

You could always go to her, take her out for lunch and take her on a shopping trip for food though?