to have not considered racism with regard to my DD until the last couple of days?

[Bogeyface]

because of all the racism threads on here.

DD is mixed race. He is black (well technically, mixed race, 3/4 jamaican and 1/4 white british but looks full black) and I am white british.

DH did suffer racism as he was growing up during the 60's and 70's, and sometimes since then although I dont know how much as he doesnt talk about it. Racism didnt figure on my radar at all, during the same period, because my parents have never discriminated on any basis. Black and asian friends of my parents were regular visitors and it never occured to me that people would be horrible to other people because of the colour of their skin, their culture or religion. One of my best friends at school was asian and she shrugged off the "paki" insults so I did too because she did.

It was a hell of a shock to me to find out in the last 10 years since I got with DH (I am 38) that casual racism does still exist. I knew of course about the NF etc, but that people I knew and had always respected could be racist "but not you mate, I dont think of you as black" IYKIM. I know that this all sounds hopelessly niave, and of course it is, but my parents social circle and political beliefs meant that I genuinely didnt understand that there were people around like this. You were either like us (non discriminatory) or a dyed in the wool NF racist bastard. That anyone could say "I am not racist but......" was new to me!

Yet it wasnt until the last couple of days that it has occured to me that DD, as a mixed raced child, may be the victim of racism. Should I have thought of this before? What do I do about it? What do I tell her when she is older (she is 5 months atm)?

AIBU for this never having entered my head before?

No, YANBU, but I am with you on the Not Realising People Can Be So Fucking Shit front.

I cannot sometimes believe the crap that my DD gets.

Of course YANBU because it didn't enter your head before if she's only 5 months old.

I'm sure you'll deal with it the way we deal with all sorts of other bullying and hatred be it...

Skin colour
Hair colour
Accents
Special Needs
Bullying for any reason

The list of things people use to be nasty to one another in this world is endless and we all have to consider people may be racist towards our kids no matter what their skin colour...black or white.

Is your DD mixed race Line? What sort of crap does she get? I just feel terrible that I had never considered this, and that when she gets older perhaps we should prepare her for it. But I dont want to make her feel different iykwim.

Sadly, the moment of realisation for me came when my uncle, who I had always adored and who had always made it clear that I was his favourite, cut me off because I was with DH. :(

It turns out that he is also homophobic, something he had carefully kept hidden as he also has a lesbian neice, yet he still speaks to her.....go figure!

You're right Worra, of course.

My eldest was bullied because of his disability (you think Lionesses are hard, you should have seen me!) and we dealt with that. He is now very confident and doesnt take any kind of shit because of it.

Maybe I should chill a bit? Its just that these threads have spooked me a bit...

I don't think you are naive. I grew up with similarly open-minded parents and always assumed that racism in the UK was a thing of the past. Sadly, I now know that casual racism is actually quite widespread, but I don't think people necessarily realise this until they see it. :(

FWIW, my 6yo dd is mixed race (DH is Asian, I am White British) and has never yet experienced racism - as far as we are aware. She doesn't even know it exists at the moment, and long may that continue!

DH and I have agreed that we will talk about it as and when the need arises, but we don't want to burden her with the knowledge of something that she doesn't yet need to know about.

Oh boy ... where do I start? But I don't want to talk about DD in particular. Worra's right - there are all sorts of nastiness because of perceived and actual difference.

Just be strong and confident for your child. x

I know what you mean...MN seems very race focused today

But honestly, I'd be a bit worried that you might accidentally make her feel as though there is something to be ashamed of.

I mean, how do you say to a small child "You're beautiful, you have beautiful skin etc...but some people might be nasty to you because of it?"

That might make her shy and awkward IYSWIM?

We all want to protect our kids from bad things but I think the way forward is to equip them with the ability to know what's right and what's wrong, and to be there for them..supporting them no matter what.

We as adults know the sort of things we should be looking out for without spelling it out to our kids because that might make them withdrawn.

What I am taking from this, correct me if I am wrong, is to not borrow trouble.

If and when it happens, to deal with it then and not to make her feel that it will happen. Just to wait and see I guess?

I am a real lioness when it comes to my children, so I suppose even the thought of someone being horrible to her brings that out in me!

I am mixed race. I struggled with ignorance more than direct racist comments.

It's something you feel you are waiting to happen in certain situations, like when meeting someone who doesnt realise your cultural background, and makes a passing comment. I sometimes want to tell people my background before they say something to annoy me so I don't end up not liking them!

I love that expression 'not to borrow trouble' I've never heard it before

Yes I think that's about the best way forward because otherwise we'd have to possibly spoil their childhood with a whole list of things that could potentially happen to them and I don't think children would understand or be able to cope with that list.

I'd just wait and see and in the meantime help her to posses strong qualities such as fairness and never being afraid to speak up for what's right for herself and for others.

OP I am baffled by your description of your child - 'DD' is female yet you say "he".

How can he/she be "3/4 jamacian and 1/4 white british" when you describe yourself as "white british". That does not make genetic sense.

But, OP, it seems to me that (and yes I agree there are more than a few race themed threads today) a significant factor in your dillema may be where you live.

Pendeen, when Bogeyface says "he" she is talking about her DH.

I agree, wait and see and hope your DD only comes across decent people, and when (if) she doesn't you can then talk to her about ignorant gobshites.

Too many "DDs" and "DHs".

So: "DH" is 1/4 white british, OP is white british therefore "DD" is 5/8 white british and 3/8 jamacian?

I am on my way to bed but to clarify

DH is 1/4 white british and 3/4 black Jamaican, I am white british. I should have been more specific so sorry that I wasnt.

So DD is mixed race, and I am too tired to work out the proportions, but DHs mum is 100% black from Jamaica and his dad is half Jamaican and half white british.

THanks for the replies, I will respond properly tomorrow :)

Just to clarify, I was agreeing with Worraliberty and not Pendeen (who seems oddly obsessed with fractions )

I understand but don't if you get my drift, I was from a similarly mixed background in the 70's and Mum's Bf being Asian it's just part of my life, and at 41 I am only just starting to realise that it isn't just everyones life, the past couple of days there have been posters who need to wind their necks in, but in the main it is good to know people are in the main sensible and just see others as people, kick back and don't worry, worry if it happens, and all our DC are wonderful...well to us anyway :) it's not all bad

Not al all "obsessed with fractions".

The OP's post opened the debate on that subject.

I do understand your fears but try not to project from other people's experiences: there is no knowing what your dd's life will be like or what kind of people she will come across.

I was bullied for very minor physical shortcomings (a squint) so when my dd turned out to be disabled and (for several years of primary school) incontinent it might seem a foregone conclusion that she would be bullied to bits. It never happened. It made me realise that for bullying to happen, the first requirement is a bully. If you haven't got one of those- or if they are kept under strict control by the school/workplace ethos- then bullying isn't going to happen.

In secondary school, there was one incident (of another girl claiming she was faking her disability)- I went in to see the HOY and it was dealt with instantly.

And yet there are constant threads on MN reminding me of how disablist this society still is. But they are still a minority.

@cory: "It made me realise that for bullying to happen, the first requirement is a bully. If you haven't got one of those- or if they are kept under strict control by the school/workplace ethos- then bullying isn't going to happen."

I'm really glad to see you say this. It needs to be said more often. I think we sometimes imagine that bullying is inevitable, and that certain sorts of children (either because they are disabled, or from an ethnic minority, or simply very shy) will always attract bullies. But if the ethos of the school is one where bullying is regarded as unacceptable, then it won't happen - or will be stamped on immediately. I mentioned on another thread a friend's DD being bullied - and it all started when a particularly nasty girl joined the class from another school, and managed to egg other girls on to joining her in bullying this one particular girl. Before that, everything had been fine.

I also would try not to worry about it. I grew up in the seventies and went to junior school in a very white working class area. I was the only non-white kid in the school at that time and barely had a problem. There might have been the odd comment in the playground (always from kids in a different class to me) but I always had a good bunch of friends so most of the time I just got on with things without a problem. My parents weren't really the type to be raising issues the whole time (even though this was the time of the Enoch Powell rivers of blood speech so they may have been feeling anxious, but they certainly didn't pass it onto me). I just grew up fairly un-troubled by these issues, playing out on the street, going round to friends houses for tea, just like anyone else. Things seemed so much simpler then :) I've taken the same approach with my own two kids.