To think my sick mum is being selfish

[lisaleelu]

I am at my wits end and know i sound mean spirited and selfish but I still wonder if i am being unreasonable or if it is my mum being unreasonable.

My mum is sick she has very advance MS and cant do anything for herself. Until recently my dad looked after her. But he has recently gone very downhill mentally, he has dementia and I think depression. He is just not able to look after mum anymore.

So the burden of care has fell more and more on me. although mum has carers come in 4 times a day - she still needs me to do a lot and i can't cope. I have a job and 3 kids under 5. I am exhausted.

Recently shehas gone into respite care - and i hoped she would see this was ok and agree she needed nursing home care. BUT no she intend to come home after the 2 weeks. It wil kill my dad looking after her and i just cant cope anymore.

The social worker is sympathitic but as my mum has 'capacity' she gets to decide even if it means stressing out my dad who does not have full capacity.

I feel so mean slagging her off but i am just at the end of the line if she does not agree to stay in the nursing home I will loose most of my life to just doing stuff for her.

Have you spoken to the MS society? They have lots of good advice.

Can your parents be assesed again? Maybe they would if your Dad's ability to cope has changed.

Yanbu you've got loads on your shoulders. Have a good moan on here x

it's hard isn't it?

i've seen family members who have ended up like this, and a close family friend who is going through it right now.

I can't imagine how hard it must be accepting that your body has given up and that you've got to leave your own home and be cared for elsewhere. It must just be awful, especially when your mind is completely sound and you just can't do anything for yourself.

but equally I can see that it puts family members in a really, really, really tough position and I can truly see why you need her to be in respite.

v. sad situation and I really feel for you :(

You poor thing. Big hugs.

I don't think she's being selfish. Why on earth would she want to stay in respite care? But I don't think you are either. YANBU.

I am so sorry, it must be so hard on all of you. Asides from speaking to MS people like slave suggested I can't offer much advice but I wanted to send you some sympathy and hugs.

Do you have siblings you can share this with at all?

They have been assesed but my mum has carers 4 times aday that is the most the council will give. But it is not enough. Plus she is always in tears complaining that my dad is not doinf x y and z. Despite being intelligent and 'with it' she does not get he is just not capable.

I remember your earlier thread about this.

Yanbu.

I still think you need to tackle your dads dementia and get the ball rolling regards to him. With a proper diagnosis, and a care plan for him, it may become apparent that he is not fit to care for her. ( I am not going to type out what I advised on the thread in April under your previous name, but my advice still stands)

See if you can use the time she is at respite to get things moving regards your dad.

Hmmm I think your Dad nees a social worker or something to support him in being regarded as an unsuitable carer for her, in fact should he be having a carer for himself?

Your poor Mum is in (understandable) denial. That's no help to you though.

my dad does not need a carer per se. I take him his medication and put ready meals in the fridge. He manges just about ok on him own when mum is in hospital or respite.

But as soon as mum is home he is a very angry, short tempered man. He cant cope with even basic requests from my mum - such as what time is lunch or pass me the remote. He just goe mad - yet he is mild mannered when she is not about.

How awful for you! You sound worn out with it all. YADNBU - but I don't think your mother is BU either. It's just a very sad situation for all of you. I hope you can find some support from somewhere. I can only think of what others have suggested. Are there any charities out there that could help with care, I wonder? Both my parents were very ill and dying when my kids were very little (youngest as 8 months) but the way it worked out, it wasn't down to me to do the actual physical caring. I can only imagine how tough it is for you. Sending you hugs.

Okay he can cope on his own with HELP from you but that does not make him capable of being the main carer for your Mum you need proper help and advice to support him in NOT being the carer. I wonder if you can refuse to have your mum home?

My dad wont refuse to have her home - even though he does notwant her home.

My dh is getting so fed up with it - he says it is taking over our life and if she comes home she is on her won. He thinks we should go away for the weekend when she come home so she see home much we do for her. But i feel that is unfair on my dad.

tough love.

Your dh has a good idea.

would it be do-able to have her in respite every weekend perhaps?

horrible and depressing situation for everyone :(. HoPe you get something suitable sorted

Poor you, poor Mum and Dad.
I really think your Dad needs to be formally assessed and a care package put in place. This will help manage all of your expectations and you will each find a level of care for your Mum and Dad which suits all parties. IYSWIM.
have you contacted Carers UK www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice.
Their website is pretty good and the have telephone support lines which might be able to offer advice, sources of info etc.
Caring can be a real struggle - emotionally and physically and you also have to strike the right balance between your caring responsibilities and your own family life.
Not easy for anyone.

Nothing to add really - just sympathy/empathy.

Yes, your dad needs a proper assessment, and perhaps he himself needs to go somewhere else to live if he has dementia? Good luck, I really hope you can get something worked out for them both.