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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New baby/pregnancy questions

15 replies

lesley33 · 18/11/2011 18:32

You know I have read so many threads where posters are offended and upset about questions friends have said to them about their pregnancy or new born baby. IMO these are usually just general questions where the questioners rarely care about their answers.

But as mums we are all aware what a big thing it is to be pregnant and have a new baby. So it seems really rude to just say congratulations to those pregnant and to those who have had a baby just ask what is their weight and name? IMO it is polite to show more interest than just this, to what is a huge event for a friend.

So what questions are okay to ask that won't offend anyone reasonable?

OP posts:

Kayzr · 18/11/2011 18:34

I don't mind most things but I hate being asked if the baby was planned. Even if it wasn't what has it got to do with a stranger.

I have 2 boys and the whole 'you're only having a baby to get a girl' is annoying at times. What am I going to do if it's boy? Sell him?

Flisspaps · 18/11/2011 18:35

Honestly? I'm a miserable sod and can't stand the endless small talk questions where the person asking doesn't really care.

I'd be more than happy with a quick 'Congratulations, did you watch anything nice on TV last night' or what baby is called and weighed.

It really gets on my nerves when people who I used to have normal conversations with suddenly only seem interested in talking to me about my pregnant state or child.

I do of course understand that I am generally quite unreasonable though.

ViviPru · 18/11/2011 18:36

I've actually lost count of the number of pals and relatives I've supported as a friend through their pregnancy, and as this experience has taught me to stick to questions along the lines of "more cake?"

As a non-parent with mild ttc ishoos (for want of a better word) I'm DUMBFOUNDED by the lack of sensitivity I receive in return.

kickingking · 18/11/2011 18:40

It is rude to ask if a baby is planned (unless in context as a HCP)

It is rude to make personal comments about people's appearance (unless general compliments - 'you look lovely, with your bump!', etc.)

It is rude to ask much about delivery - I would think this could be a very difficult topic of general conversation for some new mums.

Sorry, but I just think people should stick to pleasantries. Congrats, when are you due? You look wonderful, pregnancy suits you. He/she is beautiful, you must be so proud. Etc, etc.

laurenamium · 18/11/2011 18:40

Who's the dad?

I seriously got asked that more than once! (dad did a runner as fast as his legs could carry him as soon as I let him know- we were however in a long term live in relationship previously)

I had great delight in telling people it was Colin Farrell but he was away filming at the minute

candr · 18/11/2011 19:12

Def not 'was it planned' what do they expect if for some people the answer is 'no'.
Do you know the sex, where are you having it, have you thought of names, have you got plans for a nursery are all fine and can lead to conversation the mum to be will enjoy but not so long that you get bored.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 18/11/2011 19:19

I am a total sucker for a baby, any baby, and probably sometimes come across as slightly mad but I always start by grinning widely and saying how gorgeous/lovely/wonderful the baby is and then ask something utterly banal (if necessary I start with if it's a boy or a girl) like "what have you called him/her" and follow it with "and are you getting some sleep" or "what did he/she weigh" Then I can't resist commenting on how that weight relates to the weights of my babies, and then I usually manage to shut myself up unless the baby belongs to someone who is a close friend and then I just snatch it from their arms and run while snuggling and cooing and generally going ga-ga in a totally sad geeky manner... or ask for all the gory details in glorious technicolour. I would never ever ask if a baby was planned, or wanted or the "right" sex though, I just assume that a baby is a much loved, much welcomed blessing and the whole family are delighted with him/her and think that theirs is the most beautiful, intelligent, advanced, gorgeous baby ever in the history of the world.

Meta4 · 18/11/2011 19:30

I had someone ask if my current pregnancy was planned. I was a bit taken aback as I didn't expect it (it was a colleague) but she's known for being a bit forward and I didn't really mind tbh.

Only thing that bothers me is the constant "any news?" questions around the time the baby is due. Not the question itself, but the fact that some people insist on asking EVERY day, as if they think you might forget to tell them/give birth and then deliberately keep it a secret

Andrewofgg · 18/11/2011 19:47

From a man to a pregnant women: Congratulations, when is ETA? And leave it there.

And on seeing the baby for the first time: Isn't s/he gorgeous. Or if the baby's sex is indeterminate due to gender-neutral colours: What a gorgeous baby. And leave it there.

Different of course if it is a rellie or a close friend.

Can any of that give offence?

notso · 18/11/2011 19:48

I hate the "was it planned" question.
I had it with DC1 as I was 19, I had it with DC3 as there is 6 year gap between DC2 and 3 , now there is going to 16 months beween DC3 and 4 and everyone is asking again, can't escape it!

Kayano · 18/11/2011 19:56

So many blokes in my office have said 'my god you look pregnant now!' this week.

seems to have just happened this week. And then the topic always seems to turn to how they will 'have to have a drink for me' I want to hurt them lol

AhCheeses · 18/11/2011 20:00

I was recently asked 'what flavour is it?'
And when I replied 'Another boy! ', I received the reply 'Oh, are you going to swap it?'

Yes, yes I am, as soon as I get the opportunity I'm going to swap my longed for little boy with someone elses baby...

What a thing to say!

naturalbaby · 18/11/2011 20:08

i've had 3 and still find myself asking the same boring questions that made me squirm/wince when i was asked them!

it depends on so much. it may offend depending on circumstances, the mother (to be) may want to talk about the boring details or nothing at all to do with the baby.

i could have wittered on for hours about my drug free home births but was very unimpressed by the naive friend of a friend who wanted to know if i screamed during labour.

HandMini · 18/11/2011 20:11

I also hate "Was it planned?" - I mean, if it's not, are you really going to launch into detail about your condom split / missed pill / drunken shag? It also slightly smacks of "Are you actually a bit irresponsible with your ill-timed conception?" (or is that just me being over sensitive?).

I would venture a potentially controversial point here - I think if you're a woman who's had a baby, it's more acceptable to indicate that you're happy to chat about pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding/whatever. By that I don't mean blunder in and ask "So, do you have piles now you're pregnant...any incontinence?" butIMO, lots of pregnant (and recently given birth) women do want to speak about / share their experiences, mainly with other women who can relate to what they have been / are going through.

wigglesrock · 18/11/2011 20:18

I have just had my 3rd (well nine months ago) and women that I don't really know asked me in dd1s playground "was it a surprise?". I have also had several comments from women and I don't mean of a grannyish age "oh, are you going to try again for a boy". I have 3dds.

Oh and other women asked me "was I feeding her myself?" - feck I hate that phrase.

But I'm old(ish), grumpy and the reason I MumsNet is because I can't be arsed talking to people in real life , so I mightn't be the best person to ask.

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