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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not got to my ILs for Christmas

25 replies

cathkidstonbag · 18/11/2011 17:50

My ILs don't like me. I have tried and tried for 20 years. They act like they do but they have a subtle way of putting me down. It's not just me being paranoid, I've had it pointed out to me by my family and friends. My SIL is the same, nothing I do as a wife or mother is ever quite good enough ...
So this year SIL and family will be with ILs and finally we could have a Christmas at home on our own. Kids could stay in pjs and play with their presents etc. Eat what we wanted, when we wanted without the stress.
But no :( MIL just been round and said how her Christmas will be spoiled if we don't go there for the day. Full blown sobbing emotional blackmail. So now I have no sodding choice really do I?
MIL was v ill earlier in the year and she's played the whole "who knows if I'll ever see another Xmas". But this has been the crappiest year ever. I've nearly left DH a couple of times, things are still v fraught between us and going there could possibly be too much stress. He will want to go so no point expecting him to understand.
AIBU to have for the first time in 14 years Christmas in our home with just us?

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 18/11/2011 17:53

I even messed up the thread title!!! Any way I can change it?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 18/11/2011 17:54

No YANBU.

Doha · 18/11/2011 17:57

Don't go. Say no--no further words needed.

Don't give in to her emotional blackmail, if you do it this time you will have made a rod for your own back. Your MIL won't be on her own this xmas, tell her you will see her on Boxing day.

Christmas day at home in PJ's eating what and when you like, with people you LIKE is hwta it is all about.

If your DH wants to go later on, let him. Don't you be blackmailed by him into going either

ViviPru · 18/11/2011 17:57

YANBU, but I'm not sure how you can get out of it with minimum grief, going = stress, not going = stress by the sounds of it Sad

Brave you for even suggesting it to her. Perhaps think of a way to put it to your DH so staying home sounds like a much more appealing option to him and get him onside, then together you can be stronger in tackling her.

cjbartlett · 18/11/2011 18:00

What does dh want to do? I think if my mum had been very I'll this year I'd want to spend Xmas with her too

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 18/11/2011 18:02

She was ill. I know that. I spent 3 months going back and forth to the hospital to see her out of guilt, thinking that maybe she might like me. She is a bit better than she was but I find her incredibly hard work.
Plus we'll have to leave my dog (silly I know but she's still only little and I waited 10 years for her!)

I'm going to have to just suck it up and endure the barbed comments on how skinny I am, how noisy DC are, how I don't iron shirts properly blah blah blah.

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 18/11/2011 18:04

Those comments are normal though
She maybe doesn't mean any harm

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 18/11/2011 18:34

Maybe the comments are normal, maybe it's the way it's done. The way I'm still made to feel bad for only having DDs (as if it was my fault FFS!). DH will side with his mum and sister and make me feel worse too.

Was so looking forward to a nice quiet Xmas with my DDs. Not them having to stand on ceremony.

And I know I sound like a spoilt sulky brat but just once I wanted Xmas dinner the way I wanted it. We usually cook for everyone and have to do everything MILs way. I've got a huge amount of stress coming up in the next month, big exams to revise for and I wanted something to look forward to!!!

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 18/11/2011 18:36

Well put your foot down with your dh and tell him this year you're staying at home
In my mind you either assert yourself and say no
Or agree to go and make the best of it

Youve decided the second
It's not too late to change your mind

cjbartlett · 18/11/2011 18:37

If you say you're not going then if she phones just say 'ring back when your son is in'

Ragwort · 18/11/2011 18:37

I think the issue is your DH - not your MIL - why doesn't he stand up for you? What sort of a husband sides with his mother and sister before his wife and daughters? Why not let him go on his own and you stay with your DDs at home - yes, they will gripe about you but presumably they gripe about you anyway Grin?

slavetofilofax · 18/11/2011 18:39

Yanbu. If you went last year, you are not obliged to go this year, and even if you were you have the right to say no when people make you feel so crap.

If your DH won't listen, tell him to go alone.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 18/11/2011 18:42

I would let him go on his own but at the end of the day my DDs will want to be with their dad.
Yes I could say no but DH will not back me up so will cause huge problems with me and him and we won't get through anymore problems.

Time to suck it up I guess, slap a smile on my face and deal with it like a grown-up.

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 18/11/2011 18:44

No we didn't go last year. We went to my mums. Lovely experience that was. Raw turkey and family feuds ;)

So in theory it is "their turn". Only SIL is here so i thought just once we could have Xmas on our own. That maybe that would help. Make staying together and being a family unit worthwhile.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/11/2011 18:46

I wouldn't go. Everyone deserves spend the day how they want, where possible.

I would tell your husband that you are staying home this year and that the children will be staying at home with you. Tell him you spent last Christmas with her and that you just don't want to do it again. Can't he go round in the afternoon for a couple of hours with the kids?

NoSeriously · 18/11/2011 18:50

Why is your family unimportant? You are a famiy unit in your right ignore them.

Dh and I are staying home this year for dd's first christmas- no one is invited and we aren't going anywhere else.

My mantra is if they were kind enough to you in the first place to deserve your company you would want to go and see them

Chestnutx3 · 18/11/2011 18:51

Just don't go. Send him round with the kids in the afternoon so you can have a lovely alcoholic induced nap and eat all the remaining chocolates. Or see them on xmas eve or boxing day.

hebejebe · 18/11/2011 18:53

You could be me posting! My IL do not like me, think I am extremely odd and don't really bother with us for most of the year but at Xmas we are expected to go along with their plans. Drives me mad. I have come to dread Xmas.

Except this year, we have decided to have Xmas at home on our own with the dcs and our very closest friends (one couple - no children). It's going to be lovely.

We have done it once before (in 19 years) but dh couldn't quite bring himself to tell his family the whole truth and the emotional blackmail exerted was very difficult to withstand. But, this year, halleluja, it's all going to be upfront, we are going to be a united front and a family-unit for once and I am soooo looking forward to having Xmas the way I would like it.

I know that is selfish but I have spent numerous Xmas days sucking it up, being miserable, wanting to run out to the hills screaming "aaargh....." and finally it's my turn!

Actually I don't really think it is a bad thing to be selfish now and again - at least not if you frame it as having boundaries and self-worth. If you make an effort to see them at some point over the festive period and also to be pleasant (the bit I struggle with at times!), then I think you have fulfilled your family duty.

Aren't they being selfish making you feel bad?

umf · 18/11/2011 18:57

Why do you think you "sound like a spoilt sulky brat"??? Of course YANBU.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 18/11/2011 18:58

I agree with Chestnut. If your DH wants to go he can take the girls around for a hour or so after lunch. You get your relaxing morning with DDs and than a rest at home after the washing up's done. Can't go wrong. Or yes there's also Xmas Eve or Boxing Day.

ChaoticAngel · 18/11/2011 19:02

YANBU I agree with a pp though that your H is the problem here.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 18/11/2011 19:05

If I was you I would tell DH he was welcome to go to his mother's house any time he liked, including Christmas. I would say that I wanted the DCs home to open their presents and then he could ask them (with absolutely no indication or pressure over what they decided, totally their choice) if they wanted to go to gran's house or stay home. I would stay home.
In fact I've done this before. When DH and I were first married, his family were "funny" with my elder two DSs and I overheard his mother saying somthing really nasty about my son. We just never went again. I just told him to go if he wanted, and when the younger DCs arrived, told him he was welcome to take them with him (this was just for tea later in the day though, not lunch) and I stayed home with the boys. Even now, the "babies" get great mountains of gifts and "my" sons get a bar of chocolate Confused but I stopped letting it worry me a long time ago.

Mrsrobertduvall · 18/11/2011 19:08

Do not go.
You should be doing what YOU want at Christmas, not what the extended family want.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 18/11/2011 19:12

No there isn't a Xmas eve/boxing day/tea on Xmas day option. Has to be Xmas lunch. Apparently it's just so sad that DH and SIL don't see much of each other. Which they don't because she moved abroad. Hardly our fault!!!

DH just home and I've told him. We're going. Think I'll book the divorce lawyer appointment for a few days after!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/11/2011 19:19

It's this sort of thing that makes me very, very glad to be single, OP.

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