to not want my brother around me and DD on Christmas morning?

[LifeIsButtercream]

Ok long story I know - and it sounds completely U from the title!

My brother is an aggressive bully - and as recently as 5yrs ago has physically attacked and threatened me - hasn't happened since I've prevented there being situations where he has the opportunity. I avoid any contact with him because of his behaviour and trust me he has 'changed' many times, been given multiple second chances and blown them.

As a result I feel very uncomfortable and panicky around him - he has also threatened my parents but they insist on sticking by him and have suggested that he will be at their house for Christmas Day. Me and DD were planning on being there but if he is hanging around there it'll be a very uncomfortable experience and I get especially concerned when he is around DD (2yrs) as I'm protective over her - I see it as my role to protect her from people like that.

Would I be being unreasonable to say to my parents that if he is going to be at theirs for Christmas then me and DD will stay at mine and do the present-opening (from me) at mine? It breaks my heart as I'd looked forward to being with them, but I feel like I've worked too bloody hard scrimping and saving for DD's Christmas to let it be such an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience. :-(

It's not my fault that he behaved that way towards me for so many years - why should I still have to suffer for it because they want to play happy families?

It's not unreasonable to want to have a happy Christmas with your DD, rather than in the company of an aggressive bully who makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell your parents why you won't be coming, and perhaps invite them to visit you on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day (without brother)?

are you on you own then? you don't mention a partner or inlaws?
I'd stay at home and invite parents round a different day

YANBU in that situation I would tell your parents that if your brother is gogin to be there - or even MIGHT be there then you are staying home. If he is violent and aggressive i wouldnt want my children anywhere near him.

No, absolutely the right decision.

Keep her away from him and keep Christmas as a happy time. And at the same time you make it clear to your parents that you won't be manipulated over this issue - hopefully if you keep your foot firmly down over this they'll know to respect your wishes in future and make plans with your brother that don't clash with yours.

YANBU and are completely right to keep your daughter away from a bully. Have a lovely day with your DD and tell your parents you will see them on boxing day or whenever your brother won't be there. Don't put your parents in the position where they feel they have to choose between their children though. Just calmly explain why you dont want to be around your brother and tell them that you will see them on boxing day (or whenever).

No definately don't go.

Even if everything is fine, you'll be on pins the whole time and won't enjoy it.

Tell them you're staying at home and the reasons why.

Tell them they are more than welcome to come to you without your brother.

YANBU at all.
Do not go. Did you report the attack to the police at the time?

I would never have my toddler around someone who had done that (even if it was a few years ago). Especially not if I had been the person they attacked!

Stand your ground and just ask your parents over for Boxing Day or something (but make it clear you brother isn't invited).

Bluddymofo has it right. Don't make it into an ultimatum.

I agree with Bluddy, too. It is very upsetting to mothers when their adult DC don't get on.

I get upset when my adult DCs 'don't get on', but I wouldn't put that in the same category as the OP's where her brother has been violent to both her and their parents.

I don't see any reason why she shouldn't make it clear as to what the problem is and why she won't be going.
Otherwise, nothing is going to change, which isn't fair on her or her DD.