To be pissed off that DP played games on his mobile for about two hours this evening, while I did housework?

[GrumbleBum]

He's had a tiring couple of days - full-on work plus his kids for a few (broken) nights. I get that. And he needs time to switch off. I get that too.

But I work and have a busy life too (I've never felt so busy!) and to me, it just feels wrong for one half of a partnership to be loading the dishwasher/taking laundry off the airers/putting laundry on the airers/doing the online grocery shop/whatever else in that vein - while the other half of the partnership comes home, has a long shower, and then plays on their mobile until gone 11pm.

After a bit, I could feel myself getting pissed off, so I said in an I'm-beginning-to-feel-miffed way but keeping pretty cool, "I'm finding it hard spending my evening doing chores while you play on your phone." He didn't respond and carried on playing. Cue me becoming much more pissed off.

So in the end, a while later, I had a rant, mentioned the word chauvinistic when describing how his behaviour seemed to me (red rag to a bull) - and he's just not buying it. He said he's entitled to his own time (he is), that he does his share (he usually does), that he spent his leave doing household stuff (he did - but I was at work, not on a bloody jolly!) ...

And then at 11.30pm, having said after coming in from work that he'd go to bed early tonight, he sprang into life with a "See, I was going to do my share - just later on!" righteousness, and did some housework, and wheeled out a nice "See, isn't it nice, now I've tidied up, to go to bed with the worktop clear?" guilt-trip.

How could I have known, with him being the tired and normally-early-to-bed type that he is, that he'd have started doing housework close to midnight?!

Anyway, at the risk of sounding petty, am I being unreasonable to think if you're going to lay on the sofa for two hours while your partner does housework around you, that you should at the very least have the courtesy to either tell them you're tired and ask if they're OK with you flopping out, or tell them don't worry, you will be chipping in, but much later on? To me, without any communication like this, it feels plain disrespectful.

We've gone to bed in stony silence, and with me being made to feel as though I'm ungrateful/unreasonable/controlling - which feels utterly shit and unfair. Sigh.

Oh Grumble, yabu for not having a 'There's this, this and this needs doing, how shall we split it?' conversation at the beginning of the evening.

He did his little midnight blitz to make you feel guilty though, so yanbu to be pissed off!

He can't be chipping in... I am

Grumble - he only did his midnight bit because you had a go at him, he would not have done it otherwise.

From this thread alone - it's not you who is unreasonable!!

There's no way a reasonable person could feck around on their phone while their DP was 'doing chores' and not either shift their arse to help or at the very least have a conversation about it... git.

Going back many years now my ex MIL asked me if I'd seen Dallas the previous night (Told you it was years ago ) I said no as i'd been cleaning the bathroom.
Straight away she jumped in with "and what was that son of mine doing while you were doing that?". I told her he'd been watching Dallas and she hit the roof until I explained that after Dallas he'd cleaned the kitchen!

YANBU, he is. Lazy git. Write a list of all the stuff needing doing one night, give it to him, sit on your arse and watch telly or read a book. If he moans tell him you'll wipe the sides down at midnight but are having your own chill out time cos it's your turn!
Don't let him get in the habit of taking you for granted, it's a slippery slope my love.

YABU for being a total martyr and assuming he wasn't going to do anything, when, as you admit yourself, he usually does his share.

If you both work, it's reasonable to share the household management/maintenance stuff. The time to have a conversation about this and agree areas of responsibility is not in the middle of cleaning though!

In our house I still do most of the household stuff but DH does most/all of the cooking and the gardening. So I never feel guilty when I'm playing games on my mobile/PC when he is doing that, as that is the agreement.

I realise that demarcation doesn't work for everyone but it does for that - relying on my DH's good will/commonsense to see something needs doing and get on with it just wouldn't work, he needs to 'own' the job.

*does for us, I meant to say, not does for that

I fail to see the problem when you say he usually does his share.

you are bu for getting annoyed that he is not doing it and you are when he neither told you to or you had to do it.

you could have quite easily enjoyed an evening too. just because you was in the mood does not mean he is wrong to not getup and do it too.

you are your own worst enemy tbh and good on him making a stupid point to counter act you weird outburst.

If he usually does his share then YABabitU. And you should have asked him to help you straight out. My H can be a bit oblivious and would let me potter about without leaping to join in, but if I ask him to help with something specific he will. Yes I know that's a bit gormless but hey. He doesn't track my every movement and I might be pottering about my own businesses far as he's concerned.

YABU to not just say "Hey, can you give me a hand? If you do the dishwasher, I'll do the laundry and then we can both chill on the sofa" Thats what I say to H, he doesnt always like it mind you, and occasionally he does roll his eyes to which he is asked "Problem?"....but he always gets up and pulls he weight.

That whole "I want you to notice and will be pissed off when you dont but I am not going to tell you what it is that you should be noticing because that would make it too easy for you" really annoys me. Its very childish, and quite PA.

Just ask, he was probably assuming that if you had wanted his input, you would have asked for it, as he would do you if it were the other way around.

If you have a problem, then tell him clearly. Don't huff- this is a real bugbear of mine when I see people doing that

If you would rather chill out, chill out with him. There's ALWAYS something that needs doing, there also comes a point where you should stop.

If he can sit around knowing the washing up needs doing or the laundry, well that's fine. If you can't, well that's your call.

I NEVER do housework after 9pm, and the world has yet to implode!

YABU you should have said something more direct earlier. IME men rarely respond to hints! dh did the same thing last night.

I'm cooking dinner, he is browsing on his phone. I'm putting dishes RIGHT BEHIND him into the sink. After cooking steak, putting celeriac chips into the oven, broccoli onto simmer and making blue cheese sauce from scratch I push past him to do the dishes. He says - I'd have done that if you had said (!)

I wasn't bothered by it, or I would have asked him to do it, but it def needs spelling out.

YABU, if he does his share, you don't have to do it at the same time.

I think you should give him a break. Is every night that busy with housework? Don't you ever relax? I think I would rather live in a shit hole than work all day then spend all evening doing housework. We do ours together at the weekend.

Some people can't relax until their jobs are done. Others don't feel motivated to do the jobs unless they've had time to relax first. YABU. We often do chores while the other is relaxing or sleeping in our house, we don't feel guilty about it. As long as everyone's doing their fair share overall it doesn't matter what time things are getting done.

leave the bastard

in all serousness, I do the housework as I dont have mental peace if its not done! DP on the other hand CAN have mental peace if its not done

realising this has made me chill out alot about it