DD's indecisiveness is driving me mad

[Ismeyes]

DD (5) is becoming increasingly indecisive and it is really starting to get to me. She will agonise over ever decision from which shoes to wear to what yogurt she would like. Her grandma asked her what she might like for Christmas and DD was practically paralysed by the choice. If I just say 'well have so and so then DD' she will dissolve into tears. If I don't offer her a choice at all, she insists on having one and the situation deteriorates from there.

I have tried to speaking to her about it at another time. She says that she finds it so hard to stop thinking about all the possible outcomes of what she decides that she doesn't know what to decide 'just in case' (obviously she said it in a more 5 year old way than that!). I've tried telling her that what yoghurt she decides to have is not that important, but she says it feels important.

I feel that I am being unreasonable getting irritated by this behaviour, am I? What can I do?

My son's like this, he's 12. I sometimes get him to toss a coin. It's one of the signs of dyspraxia as well so I'd look into this.

Thanks Belle, I've just looked up some symptoms of dyspraxia and she doesn't fit that any of those. The tossing a coin idea is good, will try that for her.

I managed to find a pen in Paperchase, you ask it a question and it makes the decision for you! It does often tell him to ask it later though but it's fun. It can be incredibly fustrating, I feel as if I have to decide everything for him.

Just ignore her till she makes her mind up....tell her to come back when shse knows.

We went through this with one of our DSs. In the end, they were choosing sweeties and were told they could have a bag from the "3 for a pound" shelf. He dithered and dillied and in the end I lost patience and walked off and he didn't get any. Of course his brother and sister loved this and really rubbed his poor little nose in it passed comment, and he tantrummed all round the shop (ASDA) which is nothing really new when shopping with small children but it was the last time one of them dithered when asked/given a choice about something. They decide within a reasonable time, as defined by me, or they either do without or have my choice.

Do you think I have been being too soft then?

My dd found decisions hard as a little one. She's now 13 and has the emotional intelligence of an elephant and very very shrewd. She was learning then to weigh up the pros and cons and make the right decisions. DS never had the same difficulty - at 17 he has made far more mistakes. Oddly enough, there were times when I thought she might be dyspraxic. Her co-ordination has never been great but she has overcome it and turned into a very graceful soul (not sport though). She isn't dyspraxic and falls just short of the pointers but it is there a little bit I think.

DD1 used to find decisions really hard. I found the best way was to suggest option A. Then she immediately knew she wanted option B
It was very convenient for getting her to do what I wanted.
She grew out of it -unfortunately-.

That was meant to be unfortunately

My DD, nearly 10, is a terrible ditherer, and always has been. My strategies are: cut down on the number of things to choose from, make the choices very different, give a time limit.
So instead of asking her what she wants for breakfast, I say "you can have toast or porridge or frosties, if you haven't decided by the time I get the bread out then it's frosties". Works every time.

A method I heard:

Narrow it down to two options.
If you can't make up your mind, toss a coin.
If, on the way down, you find yourself thinking "I hope it comes down heads" then you know what you want.
If you don't care, let the coin decide.

Thank you for the further replies. I've downloaded a 'flip a coin' app for my phone and will let DD see it tomorrow. I have spoken to DH and we are going to try and narrow the choice and set a time limit. Its still irritating, but hopefully this will help!

I often give a smaller number of choices, then either say I'll choose if they don't in a given time frame or if it is something inconsequential I'll just say 'neither then' and move on. Yes, I think you may have been a teeny bit soft/over-involved, but also it's quite normal as once they start school they realise everyone is different, chooses/likes different stuff etc, gets muddled by peer pressure, fashion, it's a hard business learning to choose and be secure in your choice.

Over-involved! Yes, that is a good word actually, I think that is why I have been finding it so difficult. I've been trying to 'help' her make the decision, but I'm not being helpful at all, its just getting us both frustrated.

I think you make a good point about school too. She does stand out slightly from many other girls, and is quite outspoken in blue being her favourite colour and loving what might be usually considered more boyish toys. Perhaps this is causing alittle of her uncertainty because she hasn't always been like this.

I'm still like this. It's very tiring :( It annoys the hell out of me when I do it but I can't seem to stop. I just get stuck on the possible outcomes and consequences of them, and the possibilities opened up by that - the whole thing branches into a massive flowchart in my head, I overload and become unable to decide at all. (for example - we have several things in the fridge, which can be used, in different combinations, to make several different dinners. Unless I have a very strong desire to eat one particular dinner, I could very easily get stuck on deciding what to cook, because if I use some things now that'll close off possibilities for tomorrow, which would be ok but I'll have to think about what goes off first, so I should use those things first, except the things that go off first don't add up into a sensible meal, and if I add something that has a longer shelf life I might be short later in the week...etc etc etc. You see how it spirals?) It's like a constant game of chess against a world class player - you're always trying to see all the options, taking into account the variables of what your opponent might do, and thinking 20 turns ahead for each of those variant situations.

(sorry if that went a bit rambly - just trying to express how that kind of thought process works...)

Life is easiest when choices are clear, and I don't have to think about future ramifications. The clearer you can present options, and the fewer there are, the easier it'll be for your DD, I think. Time limits don't work for me, by the way - they just make me stress and freeze because in addition to everything else I'm thinking about I'm now also thinking about what'll happen if I can't make up my mind in time. Might work for your DD though, so do try it :)

Cut down the choice. Give a choice of 2 yoghurts and if she doesn't decide put them behind you back and ask her to pick. If Grandma asks and she can't decide just say 'I'll get a surprise then'-or 'well let me know by Saturday or I will get a surprise'.

She will agonise over ever decision from which shoes to wear to what yogurt she would like.

Stop giving her so many choices then. She is still very little. There are some decisions she doesn't need to make such as which shoes to wear. Put her clothes out for her and don't give her a choice or raise it as an issue at all. Ditto everything else she can't decide on.

For the rest, narrow it down to two options and maybe make one of the options something she doesn't like very much and the other one something you know she does like. She'll find it easier to make choices then.

As adults we just have to learn to be patient with little ones....it is more important that she has a choice and works out some way of arriving at a decision than that she does so quickly to please you. Learn to take a deep breath and wait....

I am famous for my decisiveness in major decisions-career, marriage, house, children. And equally for my inability to choose a meal in a restaurant or which chocolate bar or magazine to buy. Don't know if that helps. But I feel your dd's pain-museum gift shops were my nightmare as a child.