To think that taking the baby at night..

[cantreachmytoes]

..does not mean holding said baby at 0230 and then asking sleeping partner if the baby needs changing (how would I know, I'm trying to sleep, you've got the baby), if the baby is hungry (he usually is at that time, every night, and you've got the baby, figure it out, I'm trying to sleep), or if the baby might need a bottle later (yes, like, um every night and
I don't want to talk, I'm trying to sleep).

Because if I wanted a) to talk about it or b) make those decisions, I'd not be lying here trying to sleep!

Is it also unreasonable to think that doing the aforementioned, when tou really do already know all the answers, rather negates 'helping out in the night'?

A) He isnt "helping". Its his baby too so its called "parenting"
B) He is doing that thing where he makes him getting up in the night such hard work for you that you will it yourself because its easier

So, tomorrow (today?) explain that if the baby is crying then it needs feeding, changing and then putting back down and that unless its ill, he isnt to wake you.

:o yanbu.... But yabu if u expect dp/dh to figure this out themselves. Calm explanation of the obvious is in order... During daylight hours. Feel for you!

Yep. I have a dh just like that and add in that once all the bloody obvious questions have been answered goes and follows the whole procedure with the lights on and all the doors open so I'm in no need of the full run down I get when he returns to bed because I've heard every damn thing.

It makes me mad. Really mad. Can you tell? And my approach is usually to have a not very calm, very impolite word with him at the time. Hell hath no fury etc and at 3am? Woe betide...

At least he asks....mine (after several minutes of nudging him to get out of bed) just flounders around while the baby cries and until totally pissed off I get up to see what the hell he is dong FFS. I love my husband but he is a complete wanker at night - I'd like to believe he's not doing it on purpose.

The only answer is that next time you're "helping", you do the same to him, see how he likes it.

Give him a pep talk about night wakings beforehand - he probably doesn't know what to do! Best to explain it all then no excuses next time - because you do want him to help again.

YANBU.
Mine didn't do anything in the night because I was bf'ing, so as far as he was concerned he didn't need to do anything and he "needed his sleep" because he was working.

If I had twisted his arm to "help" parent in the night, he would have done exactly what yours is doing, with the aim in mind that I would just say "FFS, give him here, I'll do it since you're so incapable of independent thought" - which, tbf, I would have done.

If he genuinely is trying to help parent through the night, then he will accept your comments made during the day and in a calm rational manner - if he doesn't accept it then he might be trying to get out of doing it.

If you are both working outside the home during the day then you are not being unreasonable. If you are a SAHM then you are.

DH figured all this out the same way I did, neither of us had had a baby before. So a little bit of common sense, compassion and trial and error...why would I be the font of all knowledge?

" yanbu.... But yabu if u expect dp/dh to figure this out themselves"

OK, I'll bite... Why? Why is a calm explanation in order? Nobody gave me a calm explanation in the early flipping hours the first time I had a baby - I had to work it out for myself!! Men aren't sub-intelligent and women aren't born with the knowledge. We have to figure it out, why can't they?

OP - your post has my hackles rising just reading it.

X-posted with NN

I agree with Seeker.

Seeker - because, of course, SAHMs lose the entitlement to sleep, natch. They get to snooze all day and laze around watching Jeremy Kyle, as opposed to the working partners whose right to sleep must be protected at all times because they are 'working outside the home'. OP - YANBU.

Haha, try telling that to DD who only started learning how to nap in the day without me for more than 20 minutes when she got to about 14 months. Yawn.

Besides, if the DP in question has agreed he should be taking a turn then all discussions about SAHM etc are irrelevant. Besides, this could be taking place at a weekend, doesn't mean he isn't being useless, deliberately or otherwise.

Well,unless you subscribe to the "looking after a baby is sooooooo much harder than being a lorry driver or the chief executive of ICi or a primary school teacher" then obviously whoever goes out to work and earns the money needs to have more slp qt night than the person who can get his or her head down for an hour or two during the day. It's no brained.

But there is no excuse for being useless if you do get up. That treally does piss me off!

Sorry seeker but disagree.

Actually since going back to work, I've found it easier to deal with broken nights every now and then compared to when being at home. But I do have a desk job! It's not a competition, it's about doing your fair share. Why should the WOHP only get the glamour side of being a parent?

But seeker, he is getting up... You're throwing a spanner in the works - this isn't a SAHP v WoHM debate - you're making it into one, though.

IMO Staying at home is at least if not more demanding than going to work. Even more so with more than 1 DC. Have done both with job that requires brain in gear all day so OP YADNBU.

SlinkingOutside

(I'll answer you and ignore the working/SAH nonsense in between)

A calm explanation is better than a non-calm one.

If the aim is for the OP's DH to sort it out quickly with minimal screaming to let the OP get some sleep then a calm explanation beforehand is also better than "let him figure it out for himself".

If you knew someone who was looking after a baby at night for the first time, wouldn't you give them advice, rather than saying "no-one told me what to do"?

I get the 'should not be getting up if he is working next day' thing, but what if it is a weekend??? My DH developed a very deaf ear at night, even on the Friday & Saturday when he wasn't working the next day. That same deaf ear is still going strong, it has seen him sleep through projectile vomming, nightmares, 'Where is my teddy, I can't sleep without my teddy', and all manner of small children related sleep disturbances. If I were you I would feign sudden deafness and then let him get on with it!!!

But seeker, he is getting up... You're throwing a spanner in the works - this isn't a SAHP v WoHM debate - you're making it into one, though."

Sorry, yes i did. Apologies - i went off at a tangent.

i did say that if he was getting up it's completely unacceptable to be useless at it, though. Talk about it calmly during the day, makes sure he does know what he's doing, then keep your head under the pillow.
Oh, and never change nappies at night unless they are poo filled.

Well, fhe's totally capable of doing the night things because he does them during daylight hours...

DS is 5.5 weeks so whether I'm a SAHM or not, really doesn't play into it, especially as I'm nowhere near 'healed' yet

My husband (so male, but if my partner was my wife it'd irritate me too..) LIKES to be hugely involved, so nothing forced on him here!

I spoke to him this morning because I was so angry I'd not been able to sleep. Did remain rather calm ?[pat myself on back smiley] and he apologised.

Now let's just hope baby sleeps through the night tonight..hmmmm

OP, can you print off a sheet and attach it to the bedroom door?