to go back to work early to get DH to chip in more in caring for DD

[fulllife]

ok so my DD is four month now, the most amazing little wonder and i cover her systematically with kisses all over all the time.
HOWEVER it has kind of hit me hard to realize that i am basically turning into a single mom - that is NOT how i thought it would be.
in fact i resented DH continuously for Taking for granted that i would hand in my life at birth until i started asking around our group of friends (all highly educated, lovely people btw) and realized none of the guys spend more than one, in rare cases two hrs with kids per day.
to be fair, DH also just started a new business ( on top of sone other stuff he runs).
bottomline: slept on couch in DDs room for first two months, am only one to feed and do nights, at 19 DH comes home and takes her until bath time 19.45 .
then a great nanny happened to come our way ( we werent looking) and she wants to start working in december.
that means ill return to work after four months of maternity leave.
AIBU to look forward to going to work so DH wont have me not working as an excuse to not "free" me up for?

Surely him and his friends spend way more time than that looking after the kids on their days off?

weekends: spends 2 hrs in morning with DD(after waking me up completely by asking in depth questions about thenight- as is it would make a difference) , then goes on all day about how he was with DD "all morning", and therefore needs to rest. then plots to spend second half of day at ILs so that they will watch DD which i dont think family is all about.
other guys:
flee into sports, preferably super involved team stuff that eats up all day while girls spend at least one day of weekend at parents to get some rest.
my parents live kkks kilometres away:(

honestly: why even marry? sperm is freely available without too...at least then i would have to argue with other half about "right" ways to feed, bed, wash, play...i am shocked that this behaviour seems to be pretty standard, and if i need to go work full time to be treated like full person, so be it.

DP isn't like this at all and I don't think it is standard behaviour. Sounds like you need to have a frank discussion.

This isnt normal, far from it. Most men I know s pend loads of time with their DCS at weekends and when they are off regardless of whether the mum works or not. I know loads of men (many very young dads 18+ and except for 2 idiots all do this) If he wont do it whe your off he wont do it when you work.

If his not prepared to spend time with DD now then he is unlikely to spend more time with DD just because you're back at work.
By all means go back to work if you are ready and you want to but don't expect it to make any difference to his attitude.
My DH spends more than 2 hours with DD on the days he works let alone on the weekends.

This is not standard behaviour. When I was on Mat leave I did spend more time with the DCs than DH but once he was home we split it 50/50. That included night time wakenings. At weekends, he did more than 50% so that I could have some me time which I didn't get during the week. Ging back to work won't address the root of the problem which is that your DH is not pulling his weight. It may just make you resent him more....

this is exactly what im scared of : DH not stepping up once im stepping off the pedal a bit. on the other hand: i dont think i could go working my ass off 23/7 on caring for DD without building up major resentment towards DH ( never DD which is the sunshine in my day)

My husband is in the bedroom with DD now trying to settle her as she has bee ill for 3 days and he has been working in a very hard manual labour job all day for 12 hours. That is what most dads I know are like this bloke is taking you for a ride.

wow, mine has never put DD to sleep so far. hes abroad now and u knw what, it doesnt make much off a difference xept that noone looks at me funny for drinking glass of wine after dds nighttime ( she eats at 4 next...)

Mine was like this...we are no longer together, apparently because I am a "bitch"

Far from normal. DH works full time, but works hours that allow him to be home for an hour's play (he is lucky to be able to do this I acknowledge), then dinner together and bath, then we alternate putting her to bed. We take it in turns to get up in the night (she is 16 months now so she doesn't need a BF every time), and alternate lie ins at the weekend. At weekends we do pretty much everything together, potter and play in the house, see friends, do chores etc. He can't get enough of her, and in fact is better with her in some respects than I am (getting her to sleep etc). I would say this was normal.

sir: how did u try to adress this in the relationship? my dh calls me " monster" when im less than chirpy (lots nowadays).
thing is, we had none off that kind off stuck-in- the-sixties issues before the kid, but now im feeling that as much as hes in love with the kid (and he is) , he is absolutely convinced that any contribution of his deserves a medal and any contribution of mine should come with a smile ( of mine, while wrapped in apron pulling out something tasty from the oven and chirping "how was your day honey?"

think im starting a new thread asking about being a married single mum... i must find out if i really just have been buying his giant bluff ( and his friends- conspiracy!)

This is not standard - it may be what your used to though. I work full time and my DH is a SAHD Monday - Friday and does everything. He then works from 9am on a Saturday to 9 am on a Sunday and is dying to see the boys when he gets back.

Is he confident with her? He sounds like he is fiding looking after her really hard work. (it is of course, for both of you) It's obviously important he builds up a good relationship with her, and hets into the habit of comitting time to her, but many men are at a bit of a loss with small babies, then come into their own with walking talking 2 year olds.I hope it works out well for you, and your partner comes to feel time spent with the lass as postive.

What happens when you ask him to do stuff? Is it possible that he is nervous of taking the initiative with DD because he sees you, the person who spends most time with her, as chief parent?

crab - yes he is, he thinks hes a great parent and quite gets in my nerves with his opinions about EVERYTHING including bfing and night care which he wouldnt have a clue about...
duck - a-ha! i thought if i am back at work ft he wont be able to roll the hard work off on me so easily no more...
flora- he thinks im being unreasonable.

have just been a few days alone with her as he is abroad and was joking that when hell come back ill have lots of time for him but no energy - he said oh, so if u dont have energy for me i wont come. arg, of COURSE i have no energy for u....

What's your MIL like? Do you think she could give him a stern talking to re. the realities of a new baby?

Hmmm.... I'm thinking if you're off work and he's not, then yes you will do most of the work and that's perfectly fair.

If you both work an equal amount then I suspect the balance of work not being done by the nanny will fall more equally. Where I think that falls down is when DH says "Oh but you do it so much better than me/I don't know how to do that" etc and you end up doing it by default. In that case, let him find out the hard way and leave him to it!!! How does he think you learned???

"...he thinks hes a great parent and quite gets in my nerves with his opinions about EVERYTHING including bfing and night care which he wouldnt have a clue about..."
Fulllife you have answered your own issue with this statement. His behaviour is caused by your lack of respect for his parenting skills and his decision making in relation to his child. You need to allow him his opinions and his way of doing things, otherwise he'll never get involved.

Im not sure i understand the problem. He gets home at 7 and looks after baby till bath and bed. Then lets you have a 2 hour lie in on saturdays and sundays then takes baby out to his mums to give you even more of a brake.

May be him needing a rest after looking after baby in the morning is a bit off but depends on the time baby is up.

What happens when you are both awake and together, is that not counted as time him spending time with baby to? What do you want him to do?

I dont think you going back to work is going to improve the situation at all.

Think you need to have a think about what you want him to do and then sit and have a chat about it.

Did he ask you to sleep on the sofa for 2 months?

kiwi: opinions are all welcome i have a firm rule: if hes with her, do what you think is right , i also dont intervene if she cries even if there is a better way . but dont tell me what to do if you're not willing to do it urself.

flora: erm, no. MIL shields FIL from all things mundane exept the dough

i think it comes down to
resentment with semblence of former life and nanny
resentment without former life and being full time mom for a few more months