To be worried about leaving 2 year old for 2 nights?

[Georgeous]

I have 2 beautiful children, aged 5 and 2. I have been planning a girly weekend away with two very old school friends, but now it's imminent I find myself panicking about leaving DS who is 2. He is a very loving and secure little boy and am worried about the effect on him. I have spoken to various people who have all said that I am worrying unnecessarily, given that I am leaving kids with DH, and they are very close to him too. However, I have never left DS overnight before and I will be too far away to get home if he needs me. I am feeling torn, because if I cancel at this late stage then I will be letting my friends down. Any advice/opinions will be most gratefully received!

Thanks everyone.

FolkGirl - I think the attachment stuff I've read says that between 6 months and 3 years a child attaches to one main carer and suffers if they are separated for too long. However, my DS and DD are also very attached to Daddy. Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing! I have read a theory and am trying to apply it to our particular situation, and surely it's not a one-size-fits- all.

EricNorthmansMistress - you are probably right, I shouldn't undermine my DH confidence about his parenting. I

SomekindofSpanish - I think one of the reasons I worry so much is that we got married when DD was 2. We then had a honeymoon very close to where my mum lives. We had 6 nights away in total and DD was looked after by my mum who she loves. We didn't leave for 6 straight nights though, we came back to see her/put her to bed every 2 nights. She was pretty angry with me afterwards and talked about it for ages - how we went away and she missed us etc. I do feel it created a bit of a barrier between us. This situation is different, as it is a much shorter amount of time, and DS will be at home with his Dad and sister, in his familiar routines etc. I am still a little anxious though, I can't help it.

OP what you are quoting is the very early attachment theory, which went on the assumption that mum had to be with the children 24/7 and worked hard to keep it that way, no surprise it came from a man (John Bowlby).

The theory has moved on.

Attachment has more to do with the child feeling secure that main care givers (it desn't have to be one), will keep to routine and structure. The child in the early days builds attachment depending on how well his needs are met, including emotional. Most two and a half year olds have already built, or not, attachment to a level were they can be left, for a couple of nights,or not with another primary carer, will no ill effect.

I would agree that getting in touch probably isn't a good idea.

Birdsgottafly - what you are saying makes sense. I didn't understand how the 'one main carer' part applied if the child is attached to both parents. I think DS definitely has a mummy preference but also adores his Dad.

I think I will take the advice of the majority who seem to be saying that Skype is a bad idea

I think the attachment stuff I've read says that between 6 months and 3 years a child attaches to one main carer and suffers if they are separated for too long

I think that is in terms of weeks, or months! not 48 hours

GO!!

They will be fine. 2 nights is nothing. And enjoy yourself - don't spend your whole time worrying about them. I left my 2 for 2 weeks at that age (had to go to Australia and they were too young). They were fine and it did not affect them at all :)

When I say left I mean at home with my mum not by themselves

Interesting that John Bowlby, who came up with the original theory, only saw his mother for 1 hour a day and was brought up by the 'nanny', his father was killed in the army, he was one of six children, as usual, it is thought that his early work has been influenced by his own left over feeling during childhood.

In 'his' day it was unheared of for a man to get involved with the raising of the children, other than financial or disipline wise.

The theory is now directed towards all primary care givers. The child then reaches a stage were they can be left with secondary care givers, which can be teachers on school trips.

YABU just go - I left my DS1 (4), DS2 (2) & my 3 month old baby for a week in July to go away for my 30th birthday. They was fine with grandma. Kids dont care who they are with as long as they are loved and fed. He will be with his dad!!

*were fine

It does children no harm at all to spend the odd couple of nights away from their parents. They soon realise that their parents come back, and they have fun with whoever is looking after them too usually. Gradually helping to build their independence is a great learning curve for them, that will help them when they start school, and then dont panic at the thought they have been abandoned.

My DD to whom I am very close, was left with her Dad for a week when she was 9 months old (while I did an OU summer school). It has done her and her brother no harm. She is as secure as any other 13 year old girl (and better than most as she can laugh at herself most of the time).

OP
don't take this the wrong way, but I do think that the attachment problems you had with your DD was perhaps more to do wiht your feelngs of guilt and your dwelling on it. You really don't need to explain in such detail to a 2yo about why you went away, and have long conversations about it.

You are putting your feelings about it into your children's heads and most 2yo would not feel that way.

I also think that returning (or skyeing) is more unsettling to children than if you are away for 2 or 6 days.

MmeLindor - I didn't start these conversations with DD, she initiated them, but I agree my sense of guilt probably made it worse. We live quite far from family (like a lot of people), so she really wasn't used to being left with anyone. Perhaps coming back and leaving again made it worse, but it's hard to know - if I had just left for 6 days maybe she would have thought I wasn't coming back? Anyway, I am sure that this situation with DS is different, he will be in his own house, with his Daddy and sister and it's only 2 nights. Phew! I will have to pull myself together and have a good weekend!

Go go go! Have a fabulous time, they will be fine and it will be good for them to have Dad time.

MNetters have already given me the thumbs up to DH and I going abroad for 5 days to attend a Greek wedding whilst DS (4) runs riot has a fab time with my parents. 2 weeks to go

As others have said, make it matter of fact, and ABOVE all, don't fret and let the fretting spoil what is a great opportunity to spend time with friends, let your hair down, have a few scoops and just be "you" and not "mum" for a bit.

For any of you who are interested - I go away for the weekend and it was fab! Got back tonight. Kids were overjoyed to see me and totally unscathed. Thanks to everyone for supporting/cajoling me to go!

Good! Well done!

LOL - glad to hear you had a good time. Plan the next one!!