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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let MIL just waste her money...

32 replies

vix1980 · 16/11/2011 09:47

Yep another in law thread, but hear me out on this 1.

Its my FIL 60th next may, for the past few months MIL has been on at us to try and go on holiday with them all, This is a surprise holiday for fil so we cant mention things to him even though he is the rational one of the 2.

We have already mentioned we wouldn't have the money for a holiday, we bought a house last year and have been renovating it since so as much as we'd love a holiday its just out of the question. She then offered to pay for it for us and said all we'd need was our spending money, as grateful as we are we would struggle finding even just spending money, which we explained but she didnt seem to take in still insisting it would all work out.

since then i found out i am pregnant and am due in june, so by may would be 8 months pregnant, the last thing i can think of wanting to do is spend 5 hours on a cramped plane (even if i was allowed to fly) to go on a 2 week drinking holiday with the family, (ive done it before and i can drink but those 2 weeks were just hell, so much i actually looked at getting an early flight back home to get away).

I normally get on well with them but she is just not budging on it and wont be reasonable, she has booked a villa for 8 people already as there are 6 others going, on Sunday she mentioned booking flights this week,we told her again as a couple we wont be going, she still insists it will all be fine, do i just let her book it and then in may not bother going or what??

i've spoke to sil about it and she is kind of on the fence, she realises why i wouldnt want to go (not 1 of them understand there are rules about flying when your so far along in pregnancy) but says it would be a shame for dp to no be there for his dads 60th - theyre not even going on his birthday so we would still see him then. dp has said he will not be going and just thinks its another 1 of those funny things his mum is doing - i just see her as controlling now and its getting to me that she wont listen, to the point where i dont go and visit them anymore cos i cant be bothered trying to explain again and again

OP posts:
Grumpla · 16/11/2011 09:50

I'd be astonished if they let you on the plane. Can't you print something off the Internet and give it to her (perhaps with some bits highlighted?!?)

Original poster
vix1980 · 16/11/2011 09:56

I have shown her things on the internet about it and even then she just glosses over the facts, she did once suggest we could go to frnce instead so me and dp could drive there - yes cos thats what i want to be doing at 8 months pregnant, driving to france...

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 16/11/2011 09:59

Shock at driving to France 8 months pregnant! Did she actually give birth to her own children?

Tonksforthememories · 16/11/2011 10:00

Get a letter from your MW. Is your mil the kind of woman who would listen to a HCP?

You have both told her you won't be going, so if she still insists on wasting her money that's up to her.

cjbartlett · 16/11/2011 10:02

Why won't your dp go?

squeakytoy · 16/11/2011 10:02

How do the other 4 people feel about this holiday? Are they your husbands siblings? Could he get them on side to tell her she is being unrealistic.

UniS · 16/11/2011 10:02

Let her waste her money, You and DP have said no, your not going. Let MiL, FiL and the other 4 people they have invited go and enjoy their holiday in their way . They will have a fine time with out you and you won't have to put up with 2 weeks trapped sober in a villa in their company.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 16/11/2011 10:03

It sounds like you've done all you can to get through to her that you won't be going, so just ignore all reference to it from now on, and just smile and say "we hope you all have a lovely time" or "it's a shame we won't be there, you all enjoy yourselves and send us a postcard" lather, rinse, repeat.

KatAndKit · 16/11/2011 10:04

It doesn't matter if you fly or drive. Surely travel insurance wouldn't cover you if you ended up having the baby on the side of a French motorway?

Just say no. If she books you tickets anyway it isn't like you haven't told her. Say no, make it crystal clear it is not up for negotiation.

LeggyBlondeNE · 16/11/2011 10:05

Given that you could reasonably go into labour during the 8th month there's no way you or your partner should be more than an easy car-drive from home at that time!

If you tell her this nice and clearly, it's really not your fault if she books flights anyway. Just make sure you both send her an email or soemthing signed by you and DP so she can't guilt him into going afterall once the flights are paid for!

Original poster
vix1980 · 16/11/2011 10:05

fetchez well she drank heavily through all her pregnancies and continues to do so, so dont think she would remember anyway... i think thats the problem she thinks shes missing out on a drinking holiday, im not stopping them from going though, i just dont get what her problem is? im almost inclined to say yes ok book it and watch her waste her money.

the only person who would tell her straight and she would listen to is dp's dad, but as its a surprise i dont want to be the one to blow it cos of her stubbornness to listen!

OP posts:
SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 16/11/2011 10:18

Personally I would let her book it but I would also email/ write it in a letter so that she can't come back and say 'you wasted my money'

Something along the lines of
Dear madMIL

Thank you so much for your kind offer of paying for our flight to XYZ for FILs birthday; however We will not be attending.
As I have explained to you no airline will allow me to fly past 28 weeks. This is not a matter of choice.

I would also cc in the other 4 people so they know why you are not attending.

dreamingofsun · 16/11/2011 10:39

you may not be 8 months pregnant...you may be actually giving birth then. i was 4 weeks early and its not that unusual. Your husband must remind her that neither of you can come ...his priority at this time is to ensure you and your baby are healthy and that means being near your hospital. Do you really want to give birth in a foreign hospital that you don't know that doesn't know your medical history? Does she know you are pregnant?

redexpat · 16/11/2011 10:52

Chack your travel insurance too. some wont cover you over a certain date. The E111 card covers up to 36 weeks.

anewyear · 16/11/2011 11:05

Totaly agree with dreamingofsun
My youngest came 5 wks early!!

And as DEMON say email it, paper trail then..

PopcornMouse · 16/11/2011 11:09

bartlett I'd be mightily unimpressed if my DH was in europe when I was 8 months pregnant, what if I gave birth early and he missed it all?

escape · 16/11/2011 11:11

All fair points, but I flew at 35 weeks with insurance and a doctors note.

Flyonthewindscreen · 16/11/2011 11:22

YANBU, I'm with Smellslike, put it in a letter/email, cc the other family members and then don't stress about it. bartlett I think it would be totally unacceptable for the OP's DP to go off on a drinking holiday (not a crucial work meeting or anything) when the OP is so heavily pregnant. Sounds like he doesn't want to go anyway.

Trills · 16/11/2011 11:26

There doesn't seem to be any "letting" involved.

You are not letting her waste her money because you have no way of stopping her.

SaggyoldCHRISTMASHUMBUGcatpuss · 16/11/2011 11:27

To quote the guys from Grange Hill, "just say NO", and keep saying it until she listens. As someone else said, leave a paper trail, and if all else fails, threaten to tell FIL!

OhdearNigel · 16/11/2011 11:35

where is it that she has booked ?
On the driving to France thing, if she's intending on going on the ferry they won't take you after a certain point. I went at the beginning of the december when due at the end of january and only just got under the cutoff.
Anyway, you don't have to give a reason. You've already given a reason and in true mumsnet cliche "no is a complete sentence"

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/11/2011 11:37

You've done all you can, you've told her repeatedly you won't be going.

If she wants to waste her money, it's her choice. You can do no more than you already have.

oldraver · 16/11/2011 11:38

Even if you did go if you were mad enough at 8 months you would be 2 weeks short of full term..

Put it in writing that you wont be coming, cant get insurance or permission to fly (I really cant see any doctor advising a flight at 37/8 weeks

oldraver · 16/11/2011 11:38

sorry that should read... On your return leg you would be 2 weeks short of full term

pootlebug · 16/11/2011 11:41

I couldn't get travel insurance beyond 30 weeks. Some airlines will let you fly until 28 weeks, some 30 weeks, some 32, when I looked.

I've had two 'normal' complication-free pregnancies and no complications in this one so far but was still told that on insurance/flights.

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