baby shower - is it ok to ask friends to chip in for something really needed?

[oliviasletters]

There's a lot on here about baby showers and gift lists and what an awful and greedy American import they are. I kind of agree that asking people directly for stuff is weird. But receiving surprise gifts that are really not needed or wanted seems like a terrible waste when some people might really need help with money for the basics. I'm organising a baby shower for my cousin and i know she still doesn't have a cot - kind of crucial. I was thinking of asking all her friends to chip in with the rest of our family for one as this is what she really needs. surprise gifts are a lovely luxury - but sometimes asking for something specific is not about greed but about need. no? just wonder whether its a strange request. i wouldn't mind being asked for money towards something for a friend but would be interested to know what others think before i start asking for cold hard cash! thanks.

I think that would be ok , sounds reasonable enough to me . Although i must add I'm not too fond of the whole idea of baby-showers .

I'm a hater of all things relating to baby showers, and tend to think you should wait until after the baby is born before looking for presents - which you then take back and exchange if you don't like them/already have them. If you can't afford a pram/cot/etc new then you look on ebay or whatever.

I think it depends on how well you know the person, and whether or not you were planning to give anything/something before the birth or after, eg if my neighbour (who had arranged a baby shower for another neighbout) asked me to contribute to a cot I'd have been pretty miffed, esp. as the whole idea of a baby shower, or so I'm led to believe , is the chance to get together before the baby is born, not to expect presents. I took along a little gift at a few quid (bought something afterwards) and would have felt as if I was being judged if I handed over that amount as my cot contribution.

Sounds alright to me.

Just check she definitely wants or needs a cot though - they are not an essential for everyone!

I'd echo what the wise aubergine said - check that she really wants a cot! We never had one.

A bit off topic but....

Can you arrange to borrow one for her? I borrowed a little bed for the first two months and then I arranged for another friend to borrow the same bed from that friend when she had her baby. That gives her some time to find a cot on Ebay or save for Ikea or one in the sales. My Ikea cot was 34 euros. The cotton mattress was 50 - which is not megabucks and you could get a cheaper mattress. If you want a fancy painted, shaped, all-singing / all dancing cot then it will cost more but IMO it won't make the baby sleep any better!

WRT to the asking part. I think you could only vaguely ask on the invite if people wanted to contribute to a large gift but that it was entirely up to them.

I've just been invited to one in a few weeks, held by an American for another American. We've been told we can bring anythingw e wish but to keep it to practical stuff - or we can contribute to the purchasing of something big - the said something to be identified later. (I thbnk more bcasue the host is not sure yet what's needed than from any 'grabbiness' on the part of the as a yet unaware mama-to-be). Seems reasonable to me. We're all friends and family and colleagues of the woman in question and I haven't heard anyone moan yet.

Now lets prepare for a lenghty boring thread of how crass and commercial and pseudo-yank it all is.

I've never had/been to a baby shower, but would not be at all offended by a request for contributions towards essentials! I'd rather know that the money was going on something that would be really appreciated.

Also agree with ArtVandelay about looking into borrowing one. We borrowed a cot from my sister. It has now gone back into storage incase someone else needs it in the future!

Ps KatiepoesI don't think baby showers are crass or commercial, unless the mum-to-be expects/demands one! I'd have been really touched if someone had arranged one for me - more because it would have been a lovely reflection of our freindship, rather than because i'd be getting lots of gifts!

I second checking if she wants a cot. I don't have one and I'm 31 weeks but that's because the one I really want is out of stock and I'm waiting hopefully for it to come back in.

thanks so much. and have just double checked on the cot! we've had one spare for years but lent it to a friend recently and as its a cot bed it wont come back for about 5 years otherwise i would have passed it on to my cousin myself. i agree it shouldn't be about the gifts really - for my cousin its about celebrating the transition from single woman to motherhood (which i guess its not so much about with subsequent babies) so its about getting friends together and having a nice time. But if people are going to give gifts I guess I just thought we should make them as wanted and needed as possible.

I won't give another gift - but I'm a colleague. I'll put in a couple of euro for the office gift though. I guess some of the family and friends may, but it's not expected. At least not from any of the women who's showers I've attended.

One tip - try and dodge including toddlers. I'm not bringing mine, I want to enjoy my wine. Plus they tend to freak out first time Mamas...

I would not appreciate such a direct request for money. But I'm in the camp that finds baby showers slightly distasteful. If the boot was on the other foot and my friends arranged a surprise baby shower for me, I'd be mortified if they told people I was in need of something and asked them to contribute to it.

Olivia - it shouldn't be about the gifts, but it is - esp. if you contact people in advance and suggest that they contribute! There will be people going who hadn't even thought about taking a present (because that's not what showers are all about...right?) so you asking for money will make them feel duty bound.

Secondoming - of course they will stump up after the baby is here. You don't go to visit a new baby without something in your hand, which means 2 lots of stumping!

Whatever happened to saving up for stuff, buying other stuff 2nd hand or borrowing it, and then waiting until after the baby is born before presents being handed over? It's like saying "my birthday is in a months time, but in order for me to have something nice to open on the day (and something that I need), please give me my gift or the money in advance"

I think it depends how it's phrased. If my invitation said 'PG lady needs a cot, please come to this baby shower and bring some money' I'd be livid and I wouldn't attend, but if it was 'Wed love you to come to PG ladies baby shower and although we dont expect you to bring anything, just your company, if you do wish to bring a small gift she would appreciate a contribution towards a cot'.
Or something along those lines.....

I think it's o.k. as you are not asking for it for yourself, but for someone else.

that's the crucial difference IMO

good wording by Icantuck above

But then you're still being asked to hand over an envelope!! I'm usually fine with putting money in an envelope or giving a present that someone in the family has asked for, but would object to this. Even though it's not 'expected' you don't to be the only one in a small group arriving empty handed. What I'd like to be able to do is speak to the pregnant woman myself (or the person organising the BS) and ask if there was anything she needed, and then if she wanted a contribution to a cot take it from there.

You don't give the money FFS. You collect it and buy the cot/chair/fur coat/whatever all tied up in diucky paper and yellow bows. Sheesh. At worst you get a gift voucher for a nice shop.

OP it's good that you ask, if you are going to import ideas and traditions at least do it properly and don't get all sniffy at waht you celarly don't undersatnd.

You may of course get sniffy at my typing - I need to go back to a laptop. Wretched phone.

Op isn't getting sniffy - what are you talking about??

Could you suggest instead on little gifts, that the mum-to-be needs larger items like a cot, and would prefer to be given gift vouchers for John Lewis/Mothercare/which ever department store is near you. At least that's a thing rather than money. Plus, big ticket items like cots and prams are normally gifts from grandparents, she might be glad of vouchers she can use to get other basics over the first year...

The only ones I've been to are work-based and we were all close friends.

Our tradition was - as Katie said - for money to be collected for a 'big' thing - in my case a bouncy chair, which was actaually not in stock at the time so they gave me a picture of it if they hadn't got enough money for the specfic 'thing' then gift vouchers are given. Then lots of little things (and I mean tiny, like a pack of wipes, nappy cream, usually bought when Boots had a 3 for 2 on) are wrapped individually and put in the big thing for individual unwrapping and much jollillity over the nipple cream.

Of course people were free not to contribute and you wouldn't have known if they hadn't. And I didn't expect anything when the baby arrived.