to worry about my lack of close mum friends and potential impact on DS

[dogindisguise]

Can't really think how to best phrase the title of the thread and it's a bit rambling...sorry...it's more about me than DS. I've been thinking of Rebecca Asher's book "Shattered" in which she mentions she felt her 1-year-old son wanted to widen his circle of friends. Can a child that age be said to have a circle of friends to widen? Anyway, DS will be 1 in a few days and we are having a family party for him, but there won't be any other babies there. I just don't feel I know anyone else well enough to invite them over. I didn't particularly want to give him a big party as I don't think he'd really appreciate it at this age, but now I'm wondering what will it be like when he's a bit older.

We go to quite a few baby groups and activities and I chat to the other mums there, and am 'friends' with quite a few people on facebook, but I can't seem to progress beyond the acquaintance stage. (I'm mostly a SAHM though I do some freelance work from home).

There's a group of mums I met at a local postnatal group who have their own little friendship group going that I was sort of on the periphery of; I get on well with one of them but have kind of lost contact with the others now they're back at work. There are a few other mums I see at groups who would like to get more friendly with but I'm too nervous to ask if they ever want to meet up. Suppose they have no desire to do so but can't think how to get out of it politely? I do realise though that I have to put some effort into making friendships as well and can't rely on other people to take the first step. Anyone else feel remotely similar?

You are overthinking it.
But sounds like it would do you good to get out of your own head a bit more. So I suggest try to make more friends for your own well-being.
It's early days....

You'll lot sof mums as he gets older, I don't think a one year old has a need or desire to widen his circle of friends, but if you are feeling lonely just smile and invite aomeone round for a coffee or a walk n the park.

I would just ask those mums if they do ever want to meet up, like if they don't have your number then give it to them and say maybe we could meet up some time. Most people would be happy to meet up especially if they have a baby similar age and on maternity leave, i would have thought? I think a lot of people actually feel the same way as you. Anyway i dont think your ds will be suffering from lack of friends as it does sound like you go out and about for him to mix with other children, and he is only 1 yr so he should be quite happy with that he doesnt need a best friend at this age

in which she mentions she felt her 1-year-old son wanted to widen his circle of friends

Oh my fucking god I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that!

Where do they get these fuckwits from?

He's got plenty of time to make his own friends, OP. You don't need to make friends for him...especially since he's a baby.

1 year olds do not have a "circle of friends", they have other children who they are exposed to because their mother chooses to do so, or because it just happens. They are not going to suffer from a lack of similar-aged children in their lives.

So don't fret about not providing him with this mythical circle of friends!

But if you would like to get more friendly with some other mums, then take the chance to invite them over. Or if you are really hesitant, suggest forms of "meet-up" where you can be sure they won't feel pressured. eg "We're planning a trip to the park on Saturday afternoon, I was wondering if any of you would like to meet up there?" You do have to put yourself out there and risk possible rejection (or more likely just other people's chaos and failure to respond) if you want to get to know people.

Chances are there are others who feel the same and would love you to make the first move.

Ditto worral

One year olds don't need friends. They need someone to interact with, but are more than happy with attentive parents.

Children don't even start playing together until they're about 3, until then they play along side each other but not really with each other.

Baby and toddler groups and coffee mornings are for the parent's benefit not the baby's.

I agree with the others that one-year olds don't need friends, at that age they can get all the interaction they need from their family. I also sympathise with feeling awkward at baby and toddler groups. I find that it's easy to have a very brief, very superficial chat with people but hard to get beyond that.

However, I would say that it's really worth persevering if you can. I was very lucky in that I got on really well with some mums from my postnatal group. At first there was some awkwardness and a few times I found myself wondering if they really liked me or were just being polite [low self-esteem emoticon!]. But three years on the mums are a really strong support network for me. And although it's true that children don't really 'play together' until about 3, they can certainly recognise each other, enjoy each other's company and learn from each other much much earlier.

I would keep chatting, try to swap numbers or interact a bit more via FB, and as AMumInScotland suggests, invite them out for a walk or coffee without any pressure.

Agree with worra. OP you will definitely meet more people as time goes on. I moved house when DS1 was 10 months and gradually built up a circle of friends through toddler groups and regular activities. But your DS does not need friends. Second time around, on DS2's first birthday I deliberately kept it us and MIL only as I knew that the less hectic it was, the happier he would be!

Also do not assume people are "cliquey" just because they don't talk to you right away - this is a massive judgment to make, and often you just need to make the first move. You can't expect to be friends with everyone either. Those other mums you mention might be as nervous as you, so just go for it and say you are going for a coffee after, or to the park etc. it might even take a few goes as people will be genuinely busy some weeks, but it doesn't mean they don't want to be friends.

one year olds worrying about their circle of friends, absolute hooey! But it's a good idea for you to try and make friends for your own sake, not your DS's. I think if you go to enough groups/playgrounds you do start to get a feel for people who are bit new/out of it/keen to chat.

never heard of a 1 year old having a circle of friends next hey'l be forming quiches

Have another baby then he will have a permanent friend!

Don't worry about it, you're definitely overthinking it. Two rules which I am so glad I learned:

1. never read any kind of parenting book, even if it's one that others have recommended, it will psych you out and make you see all kinds of potential problems where there are none

2. just happening to have had a shag that got you pregnant around a similar time as someone else does not automatically mean you will go on to become great friends

Also first birthday parties are definitely not for the birthday child, look upon it as a celebration for you over getting through the first year and invite your friends...

Regarding wanting to get to know other mums more, do it because you want to, not because you feel you have to. It's almost certain that they are just as nervous of striking up conversations as you are, keep it light and low key and you may well find that over time some of these conversations develop and become more regular and hey presto you might have a new friend.

I don't think circle of friends is the right way to put it but I think it helps DC to develop when they mix with DC around their own age and above. Have you considered nursery for a morning once a week? DD quickly made little friends and came home gabbling about them. I do think you are worrying too much. You know some mums, you know which ones are free, suggest you meet up for coffee at a local family centre/play place. Most people I know would love a chance to have coffee at yours/thiers or meet at park for some company.