to ban the children's father from Christmas

[callow]

Background

My ex and I separated 6 years ago. He was having an affair and moved 4 hours away. He initially saw the girls (now 11 and 13) every 2 weeks (by coming to stay in my house) but slowly this dwindled down to twice a year. They only stayed with him once or twice a year for 1 night. He rarely phoned them but if they wanted to contact him he would reply although sometimes several days later.

At the beginning of the year I decided that I need to divorce him as I need to move on. Finances were decided when we separated so it was a simple matter of just filling in the forms. I spoke to him about this and got his agreement and he said he would pay half. I started to divorce and was in regular touch with him about the forms which he filled in and sent back to the court. I spoke with him in March and he said he would be down the weekend of the Royal Wedding and I asked if I could bring the girls up to him in May. I then finalised the divorce.

That was the last time we have heard from him. He wouldn't answer any phone calls or emails. I eventually got in touch with his brother in June who said he was fine. He had seen him only 2 weeks before. I asked his brother to find out why he wouldn't contact us but have had no reply. His brother will not want to rock his relationship with him and he said my ex was very private about his life. He still gives me quite a substantial maintenance each month.

My girls have phoned a few time, such as on his birthday, but he doesn't answer. Yesterday when she tried to phone my youngest said "I bet we will never see him again"

He has always spent Christmas with us and the girls are keen that he does again. I don't think he will want to but I also don't want him here. I hate him for the way he has stopped contact with his children with no explanation. I have no other family in this country (apart from an elderly aunt who lives 4 hours away), they live the other side of the world, so we have a very quiet Christmas.

I have explained to the eldest that I don't want him here and I think she accepts it. She just wants a nice happy family Christmas with both her parents.

Have I been unreasonable to say I don't want him here.

YABU to tell THEM you don't want him there - you need to work it better - maybe explain that Daddy can't make it for Christmas Day as he is working/busy/can't get the train etc etc but he will phone/email/see them on Boxing day ...

You don't need to include them in the ins and outs of your personal feelins - that can make them feel they have to choose sides - which is unfair

Of course YANBU, although I think it's a bit of a non thing IYKWIM?

He's not been in contact since May? It seems unlikely that he'll suddenly grow a responsible bone in his body and decide to see his children.

To be honest I probably wouldn't have said that you don't want him here for Christmas to your DD, far better I think to let him dig his own grave as far as the relationship with the girls goes - but what's done is done.

Yes. You could have just said that you would try and contact him and that he would be welcome if he came, he is their Dad, but not to get their hopes up as it isn't likely he will come. Your personal opinion of him is nothing to do with your DDs. He is their Dad, and presumably at some point you loved him. We know he's a twat, but there's no need to spell it out to your DDs when chances are they are already realising this but probably wish things were different.
What if one of them decides that the reason "her daddy doesn't love her anymore" is because you told him not to come back? where does that leave you?
It is so hard not to badmouth an arse of a ex, but it only makes things worse for any DCs involved. (My ex was a useless wanker of an alcoholic but DS still used to break his heart every time ex let him down or broke a promise to come and see him)

Thanks for your comments.

If he had to come down, ideally for me it would be between Christmas and New Year for 1 or 2 nights. He has basically ruined most Christmas Eves by promising to be down at a certain time in the morning then arriving, with no phone call to explain, at about 8pm. The girls feel they can't start celebrations till he arrives and worry he will not make it.

I have tried very hard over the last 6 years not to bad mouth him. It is only recently I had started to say that I don't think he is behaving correctly. I have made excuse after excuse as to why he has again not arrived to see them when he said he would. Last year he wouldn't even phone, he just never turned up. I always had to chase him. I just have no more respect for him.

Perhaps I will tell them that he can come between Christmas and New Year if they ever get in contact with him. They do love him and would welcome him and would forget all about the fact that he has ignored them.

Oh look, I wasn't getting at you - I know exactly how you feel and am in a very similar position to you myself; and it's VERY difficult not to say something sometimes (and I've fallen foul of that too) You don't have to make excuses for him, you really don't, but you also don't need to slag him off.

Do you know what I'd do? Nothing.

Don't do anything at all. Presumably if he wasnts to come at Christmas then he'll be in touch - he won't just rock up will he? And if he does then you can cross that bridge when you come to it (but on YOUR terms - the cheeky FUCKER)

To be honest if he does decide to grace you with his presence, I'd tell him he's more than welcome to see the girls but has to stay in a hotel. Why not email him and tell him just that, tell the girls you've invited him to stay at a nearby hotel at his expense, and see if he replies. Pound to a penny he won't.

If you can afford it I'd be tempted to go on holiday over Christmas. Somewhere nice and warm where you can all relax around the pool and enjoy yourself rather than have the agony of your girls sitting at the window waiting for him to turn up (or not).

Best advice I have ever had is let him dig his own grave and under no circumstances must you lie on his behalf or make up excuses other wise you are just as bad as him

Allow them to ring him themselves they are old enough it may be cruel

Of you either invite him yourself or tell the girls he can't come if it all gose wrong you will be the bad one

LET THEM email or phone him he will either come out with some bull shit or lie either way they will start to see his true colours and you won't have had any hand in it

I agree if by some wonder he actually turns up make him stay in a b&b

I agree to let him dig his own grave

If you stop him coming your girls will only blame you trust me i blamed my mums attitude toward my dad for his actions for years, always oh he doesn't want to come coz you don't want him, it really sucked for my mum now i'm older i can see she didn't want him around because he's an arse but at the time all i seen was dads not here coz mum won't let him be.

YANBU to say you don't want him there. You are a person too and you deserve a nice xmas. It will not harm your girls to see you assert yourself andput your needs first. In fact it will ne a vital lesson for them for the future. They already are willing to accept any behaviour from this man becasue they love him and he is their father. They NEED to know (before they are at the age they make relationship decisions) that they should not accept this shite and you should lead by example. Never lie for him, let the girls know it is a flaw in him (without emotive language or bad mouthing) and that they have done nothing wrong. (Am sure you do all that anyway but I feel very strongly about the effects of 'bad' parents on future relationships)