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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Passing of my Step Mother

17 replies

solnana · 14/11/2011 04:13

I am married to my husband of 30 years who has two children from a previous marriage. I am very close to his son, who has called me Mom for all of those 30 years. He is my son in my heart. (We have no children together)

Recently my step mother passed away. My son is not close to my actual parents but has met them a few times. My son sent two text messages sending his sorrow and that he was thinking of me. He did not call or attend the services.

I am hurt and upset that he did not come to the service to support me in my time of need. I feel if he felt I was truly his mother, he would have been there. I can't help but feel that if I were his birth mother, no matter what, he would have been there to support her and that maybe I don't mean as much as he has been telling me. My son feels it is rediculous that I am hurt and upset and instead of telling me he was sorry, he blew up at his father and said some things that I have no idea where they came from. He was angry and appauled that I would feel this way.

Please help me...am I being unreasonable to have wanted my son by my side with the passing of my mother? Is it wrong for me to have let him know I was hurt? I'm feeling guilty that he is upset. What is up with that.

OP posts:

Jacksmania · 14/11/2011 04:24

I'm really sorry you're so upset, and I'm sorry for the loss of your stepmum. It's a very sad and upsetting time for you. :(

But I think, maybe, you're being a bit unreasonable. Your son/stepson loves you, but you stated in your OP that he's met your parents a couple of times, but wasn't actually close to them. So while he's thinking of you (as he texted you twice) he's probably not very affected by your stepmum's passing. And maybe it just didn't occur to him that you'd need his support. He probably thought that support should and would come from your DH. And so to him, being told that you're upset with him probably came out of left field.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

snailoon · 14/11/2011 06:33

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please don't blame your son for anything more than being a bit self absorbed. Almost all children are like this with their parents, and don't necessarily become more considerate as they get older. When my mum died my kids (oldest 15) would forget I might be upset unless they were seeing me crying, and they are kind and thoughtful children (I think). Yes, your son should have come to the service if that's important to you, but did he know it was important (that wouldn't be important to me).

When people are accused of being unloving or inconsiderate it makes them defensive, and that can temporarily turn the nicest people into horrible, selfish, nasty people.

Are you feeling more upset by this because you are a step-mum and you have lost a step-mum, and your son is seemingly not acknowledging the importance of that relationship? I'm sure your son wouldn't be thinking that way at all.

I think the most important things about your relationship with your son are what you said in your first paragraph. None of that has changed; you are just going through a bereavement and feeling terrible. I hope you feel better soon.

EmpireBiscuit · 14/11/2011 06:57

There could be more to it than just insensitivity on his part - my stepmums dad passed away and I was refused any form of leave (inc. holidays) to attend the funeral. Unless I pulled a sicky there was nothing I could do.

Animation · 14/11/2011 07:39

Hmm - I'm not in favour of telling people "I'm hurt" - because it's quite guilt inducing and emotionally charged.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 14/11/2011 07:50

This step son is in his 30s - is that right?

I'd like to say it's the work thing, but surely if that were the case EmpireBiscuit, he would just have told his step mum that was the reason.

Much as I hate to say it, my own DB was just as inhuman to my DM when her mother died (our DGrandmother). He wasn't planning to come and see my mum and uncle until the actual funeral day (I told him gently that it really wasn't an adequate response).

Now my DB and my gran had been very close, so I was very surprised at the time. On the other hand, and perhaps as a direct result, my parent's relationship with my brother has become a lot more tempestuous.

Sorry, this probably isn't what you wanted to hear. However, I do think that it needn't be that he is discounting it because you are his step mum, but more because he might be a bit crap anyway.

exoticfruits · 14/11/2011 07:59

I think that from his point of view he didn't think that he had any connection other than sending his condolences to you.
I think it is just a lack of communication. You ought to have spoken to him before hand and told him that you would really appreciate his support on the day. You expected him to mind read and have wrong footed him because he didn't- so he has hit back. I think you would get the same with a birth DS if they didn't have a personal relationship with the step grandmother.
I would apologise and explain why you were upset-without sounding accusing.

CustardCake · 14/11/2011 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache · 14/11/2011 08:32

I'm confused. Your son presumably lived with you for a good proportion of his childhood and yet in 30 years, he's only met your parents a handful of times? I really don't mean to belittle your loss, but notwithstanding compelling reasons of distance/health/anything else, this presumably means that you didn't see them much either whilst he was growing up. This doesn't point to the kind of close relationship between you and your DSM that would make your son feel you really needed his support at this time. I'm sure that given the peripheral role your parents seem to have played in your lives, he maybe isn't aware of how much you're grieving and how much you need him. I'm sure it's not a snub to step-parents in general.

Sorry for your loss.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 14/11/2011 08:42

I am sorry for you loss of your step mother but I think you are expecting too much from your step son, he sent you a message of condolence so was clearly thinking of you.

carabos · 14/11/2011 08:47

Agree with keepinmind, you are his stepmother, she was your stepmother and he didn't know her - that's pretty tenuous to take a day off work (possibly). Also, there are lots of people who just don't do funerals - my DH is one of them.

Sorry for your loss. Don't make an issue of it with your DS - he clearly loves you.

allnewtaketwo · 14/11/2011 08:51

I personally think that some people, including sons & daughters, are just completely unable to empathise with others, even those they love, and see that others may be in need of support. I think this can apply whether he is your son or step son.

For the posters saying it's because he didn't know your SM well - that should have nothing to do with it. He would be going to support the OP because he loves her. People go to funerals of relatives of people they love to support that person, often regardless of whether they knew the dead person.

OP very sorry for your loss

Animation · 14/11/2011 08:57

Probably would have been best if you'd had a conversation with your stepson prior to the funeral about the arrangements. That would have been an opportunity to ask him if he's coming.

As for giving you emotional support - I don't think we should rely on our kids to give that - I think in the main that should be your DH.

glasscompletelybroken · 14/11/2011 08:59

I think it's possibly just one of those things that illustrate the differences between male and female. Don't shoot me down for that - it's just an observation of life and my own dc's and I know it doesn't apply to everyone.

My DH and I moved in with his very elderly grandad and looked after him at the end of his life so he could stay in his own home. When he died my 3 dd's all came to the funeral. I didn't know they were coming and it touched me very deeply that they did. My son text me and called me but didn't come to the funeral - it's just a different way of responding but he still cared. Also please bear in mind that to our generation texting can seem a bit impersonal but to younger people it's not - it's just a way of communicating.

Try not to let this affect your relationship with your ss - you have years of closeness and that can't be ignored because of one incident. It's important when something like this happens that you look at the intent behind it. Do you really believe that your ss meant to hurt you? Are you able to put a bit of trust and faith in his intentions and accept that he responded in what he thought was an appropriate way?

allnewtaketwo · 14/11/2011 10:06

It's not about 'relying' on children to give support - it's about hoping that we have raised children to be empathetic and attuned to others' emotions. That's completely different.

Animation · 14/11/2011 12:28

I don't think you can conclude from this that the stepson was unempathic.

He sent messages of support.

Was he informed about funeral arrangements and the OP's wishes?

slavetofilofax · 14/11/2011 12:30

Is his birth Mum in his life and does he have other Grandparents?

chipmonkey · 14/11/2011 13:05

Dh never used to go to funerals unless he knew the person who had died. I used to tell him that you were not going for the person who had died but to support their family. He never bought it! Not sure if it's a bloke thing.

Then dd died and lots of his colleagues and friends showed up to show their sympathy even though they had never met dd. He then got it and has told me that he will now go to a lot more funerals as he appreciated how nice it is when people show you that they are thinking of you.

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