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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be more than a bit annoyed with my DH.

37 replies

lollilou · 13/11/2011 12:53

I went out last night for with a friend. DH quite happy with this he watched a dvd with the kids (age 11 and 8 not babies)then put them to bed. So I rolled in at 5.30 this morning! Yes I know not good but DH doesn't mind we often pulled all nighters when we were younger. I got to bed at 6 then got up at 8.15 as my DS was awake and I was actually wide awake. So far so good. Meanwhile DH stays in bed getting up about an hour later. Here is where I began to get annoyed with him. So far today I have,made kids breakfasts, washed up,tided bedroom/kitchen/bathroom,made the bed,done the uniforms and lunches,put a load of washing in,made lunch for all,washed up again,hoovered all rooms and I am going to start the roast dinner in a bit. DH has done NOTHING Oh sorry he made his own fry up then left all the greasy dishes in the sink. But he has now taken the kids off for the afternoon for a bike ride I didn't want to go because of my horrible hangover feeling a bit tired. So AIBU to want more help around the house or should I be more grateful that he's given me a quiet afternoon?

OP posts:

molepom · 13/11/2011 12:56

Be grateful he given you a quiet afternoon, that's more than what I got.

squeakytoy · 13/11/2011 12:58

Did he tell you to do all that? Or are you just being a bit of a martyr?

ledkr · 13/11/2011 12:59

Well he should help regardless but i just dont do it.I was up at 6 with annoying baby and he had a lie in till 11.I did a roast and cleared up kitchen and looked after baby. I am now sat in my pjs on mn relaxing and anything else that needed doing he is doing.
I think women make the mistake of doing it all but if you leave it they will step up eventually.

mayorquimby · 13/11/2011 13:01

so you had a night out last night and a quiet afternoon with the house to yourself?

Jaxx12 · 13/11/2011 13:08

Agree to being happy with the house to yourself. But suppose the question is .. Is today a particularly lazy day for him which I would say is acceptable. Or does he never pitch in?? The fact that he takes the kids out is a big bonus to me as mine would never ever do that alone!

purplepidjin · 13/11/2011 13:15

Based solely on your OP, it sounds to me like he did last night and now it's your turn

Unless you have an ongoing issue with him not pulling his weight re housework, I don't see a problem.

WRT the fry up pans, what did you do with your dinner plates last night? Were they washed, dried and put away before you left the house?

Original poster

lollilou · 13/11/2011 13:15

No he didn't tell me to do it but if I didn't do it it wouldn't get done. We have had lots of conversations/rows about it and he says"just tell me what to and I'll do it" but I nearly always get a list of reasons why he can't so I've got to admit to just doing it myself most of the time. So today I'm veering between being pissed off then thinking how nice it was of him to take the kids out.

OP posts:

NoobyNoob · 13/11/2011 13:16

Um, be grateful!

Original poster

lollilou · 13/11/2011 13:17

Re the dinner plates if I cook dinner he will wash up then I put them away whilst making breakfast.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 13/11/2011 13:18

I suspect that if he'd been the one rolling in at 5.30am most posters would be saying he shouldn't expect a quiet afternoon sans children. Be grateful he's taken them out while you recover.

dwpanxt · 13/11/2011 13:20

Yanbu to expect more help .

You said yourself the DCs aren't babies. Why aren't they helping more? They could each easily have a small room to tidy and hoover for example -or make their own lunches .

You could draw up a list of jobs for each person to do . Only fair that everyone pitches in really isnt it? He should agree at the outset which jobs he can do without shirking responsibility every time.Good role model behaviour etc .

Your morning sounds about average to me though. Your own fault for staying out until 5.30am and expecting any special treatment. Your Dh did make his own breakfast and has taken himself and the dcs off out -away from the wicked hangovered witch no doubt.Sounds good to me.

BertieBotts · 13/11/2011 13:27

From that particular example of the last 18 or so hours, things sound around equal to me with you doing slightly more. (I don't know how much input kids of that age require.)

If they aren't equal most of the time then no YANBU to expect more help. And just because he's taken the kids out, if he's doing less than his fair share in general it doesn't mean you should be unendingly grateful for any tidbit he does throw you. It's possible to appreciate what he does do while reminding him that you're doing part of his share as well as your own!

Agree that children ought to have a share too, they are old enough.

Original poster

lollilou · 13/11/2011 13:28

But i didn't expect special treatment just some help around the house. If it had been him coming home at 5.30 he would still be in bed now. The DCs are good and do help with bedrooms and hoovering and stuff.

OP posts:

proudfoot · 13/11/2011 13:33

YABU

Not sure what your problem is to be honest

RomanKindle · 13/11/2011 13:36

YABU I think. If you've had 2 hrs sleep or less I would take the opportunity to go back to bed.

BertieBotts · 13/11/2011 13:37

Okay, so stop thinking of it as "help" - you're both adults, you have equal responsibility for the smooth running of the house, which includes childcare, cleaning/tidying, laundry, cooking, driving children around, organisational stuff, shopping, bringing in a wage, minor repairs, etc etc.

You are equally responsible for this stuff so you should be doing equal amounts of it - how you divide it is up to you of course. The children are younger and will have school etc and some of it is out of their remit, so they can't have equal responsibility to you both but they ought to have a chunk of it for themselves - say they do 5% each and you and DH each do 45%.

So if one of you is doing more and the other less, it's not that the one doing more is responsible and the others are helping, but that everyone is pitching in at their level. If someone is pitching in below that level, then you're effectively helping them by doing part of their share.

purplepidjin · 13/11/2011 13:44

So, really, the night out has jeff all to do with it.

Your husband doesn't pull his weight around the house, and it's starting to piss you off.

He says "tell me what to do and I'll do it", your kids are old enough to contribute... I suggest you draw up a list of all the tasks which need completing and distribute them among the family.

Now for the hard part... You have to accept that DH and DCs will do things to a different standard than you, and relinquish some of the control yes that's the bit i struggle with

TheOriginalFAB · 13/11/2011 13:45

YABU.

You went out and chose to spend all night out. You now have the house to yourself. Stop complaining.

HildaOgden · 13/11/2011 13:49

Yabu. Stop being a Martyr.Make a chores list and get everyone in the house to do some.

RedHotPokers · 13/11/2011 13:50

God OP, what do you want!?!

You've had a nice night out, and you have an afternoon to yourself. Get off MN and get some kip.

AChickenCalledKorma · 13/11/2011 13:51

Your husband doesn't do as much as you would like around the house ... and you are tired and hungover, so it's feeling particularly annoying. But this is not the time to get cross with him about it, since he will quite reasonably point out that he's done rather more than his fair share of looking after the kids over the last 24 hours. Enjoy your afternoon of peace, get an early night, then have a rational conversation about how you share out the chores.

RainboweBrite · 13/11/2011 16:00

Have you made the packed lunches for school tomorrow already? Wow, that's good going!

ditzymitzy2 · 13/11/2011 19:36

just because you want to be busy and doing stuff, not everyone wants to or needs to on a sunday morning

stop being a miserable cow and either stop martyring yourself or cut the poor sod some slack

ditzymitzy2 · 13/11/2011 19:37

No he didn't tell me to do it but if I didn't do it it wouldn't get done.

ah that old chestnut, woe is me, Im a martyr, he is a man, he cant do it as well as a woman, can you smell the burning......

LOL, if you want to be a martyr, carry on enjoying it

Original poster

lollilou · 13/11/2011 20:15

I am not being a martyr I want my kids to have uniforms for school,lunches to eat and a house that is not a shit heap. It's not that he can't do it as well as me its because he doesn't do it at all ffs

OP posts:

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