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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DM to treat my children equally?

25 replies

FlyAwayBaby · 13/11/2011 11:41

I've 4 children,the youngest of which are 2 1/2 yo twins.

My DM has always been very good with my eldest 2,having them overnight every fortnight,taking them out,even having them for 5 days (aged 5 and 2) when I was on Honeymoon.

But she will not have my twins. Now when they were little I understood,they were bloody hard work. Even though she had my older 2 overnight from about 12months,but 2 babies are very difficult. However they are now 2 1/2,and have never ever ever even had tea or ANY "alone" time with my DM and her partner. I've asked her to have them over for lunch,or to play but she just laughs and says "Maybe when they're about 9!".

My older 2 have a really good relationship with her (as do I),but it seems like she doesn't know my twins at all,and the same vice versa. We do see her every weekend,but it's for an hour or so,with the whole family.

Now universal disinterest like DHs parents who don't give a toss other grandparents I could handle. At least that's fair! But I think it's unfair on the little ones to go on like this. And,to some degree,on us too. I know they're my children (and may I get struck down by lightening for saying this) but DH and I haven't had a single minute to ourselves since they were born. PIL have babysat at my house a few times in the evenings,but really,it would be nice for us to take the older two out for an afternoon without the twins (things like swimming,we can't watch all four in a pool alone etc,and obviously the twins are too young for the cinema/ice skating).

AIBU??

OP posts:
grovel · 13/11/2011 11:45

I'm afraid YABU. How old is your Mum?

Megatron · 13/11/2011 11:47

YANBU for wanting your mum to have a better relationship with your twins, but YABU for expecting her to 'take them'.

Why don't you encourage more time with your twins when you are there, perhaps when your DH has taken the older two out, and she may start to feel confident having them for a while. She just may not feel up to having them overnight, I can imagine two 2.5 year olds would be pretty hard work!

teenswhodhavethem · 13/11/2011 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ecclesvet · 13/11/2011 11:47

YANBU. It's disgusting that your mum won't give you as much free childcare as you want.

hwjm1945 · 13/11/2011 11:50

Why di you have 4 when yuo knew it would mean can't go out with older two? I know you did not plan twins but it would have bee nthe smae had you had 3. Can't take older 2 swimming if yuo have babe in arms etc or toddler who won't want cinema. DOn't blame yr mother for not wanting 2.5 yr old twins. She is prob pretty exhausted herself

AurraSing · 13/11/2011 11:55

Yanbu. You are not asking her to look after all four at the same time, or provide extra childcare.

I do think she is the one that misses out though, afterall she wont have the same closeness to your younger dc as she does to the older ones.

LydiaWickham · 13/11/2011 11:57

Could you suggest she takes them one at a time? That way she gets to know them a little better and might start building up confidence with them.

Also, if you want to take the older ones out without the younger ones, it is possible to hire a babysitter for an afternoon just for the younger two, if you don't have access to free childcare, there is always the alternative of paid childcare...

crashdoll · 13/11/2011 11:58

There are 2 issues here:

1.) You want a free babysitter and for that, YABU.

2.) You want your mum to have a good relationship with your twins. YANBU but must understand 2 toddlers are hard work. Can't you find a middle ground such as you, your mum and the little ones go out together? You'll be there for support but she gets to bond without feeling overwhelmed.

Original poster
FlyAwayBaby · 13/11/2011 12:00

Jeez,I'm not asking for free childcare. I'm asking her to have a relationship with ALL FOUR not just two. She's only 50,so hardly old/out of energy.

If they hadn't been twins,DH and I could have been doing more with all 3 by now,if you get me. One adult can supervise two older ones while another has a toddler. But when there's 2 crazy toddlers they need watching/chasing at the same time! (Normally in opposite directions :D)

I don't want a babysitter either,I just think it's totally unfair that my older two have a great relationship with a GP,while the younger 2 have none at all. As previously mentioned DHs 'rents couldn't give a flying,so they don't have proper Grandparents at all,when they could have.

They are,without doubt, hard work. But DM has her partner and my bro there,so I don't think that having the twins,in her house,for a few hours is that big of an ask?

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 13/11/2011 12:01

YABU if you just want free babysitting

BUT

YANBU to want her to treat all of the children equally.

crashdoll · 13/11/2011 12:03

Well, you did comment on not having a free moment to yourself. People have recognised you wanting a relationship and that's fair but then you went on to complain about wanting time to do stuff with your older two. Regardless of her age, young twins are hard work.

squeakytoy · 13/11/2011 12:03

But when there's 2 crazy toddlers they need watching/chasing at the same time

I think you may have answered your own question there to be honest. Your mum probably feels that at the moment, they are a bit too much of a handful to cope with. Which is fair enough.

LydiaWickham · 13/11/2011 12:03

Again, one at a time is the way forward - she might feel it's a little easier, and as you said, you'll find 3 easier than 4, so perhaps you could suggest she has them one each over a couple of weekends...

She won't take them together, so find an alternative that does work for her.

Original poster
FlyAwayBaby · 13/11/2011 12:03

Sorry,I don't know how to quote..but LydiaWickham. Yes,I've suggested just having one,but she stonewalls that too.

I'm beginning to suspect that she doesn't WANT to know them.

Out of interest,can anyone tell me where to look for proper babysitters? I couldn't leave them with some random girl-from-down-the-road but have no idea where to look for actual qualified babysitters? I assume childminders don't do one-off afternoons?

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 13/11/2011 12:03

X-post - edit

YANBU. It's very unfair on the twins that they barely see their grandparents when the older ones get so much input.

My inlaws give lots of attention and money to only one grandchild out of four and it pisses me off no end.

crashdoll · 13/11/2011 12:05

Have you asked her why she doesn't want one at a time, given that she was happy to do so when your older two were toddlers?

cory · 13/11/2011 12:05

Could it simply be that she is getting older and more tired? If I were in that situation, two toddlers would probably be my least favourite choice tbh?

Is there any reason why your parents can't build up a close relationship with your twins if you see them as often as every weekend?
(my dcs have a very good relationship with their gran whom they only see every few months and who has never babysat them)

Does the question of childcare/your ability to take the older two out really have to be related to how close their relationship is with their gran?
(None of my dcs' grandparents have been in a position to do this and they still have a very close relationship.)

My parents had 4 dcs and we were always out and about- is it really that difficult?

(I know some pools can be funny about parent/child ratios, but I never had any difficulty supervising two dcs onm my own.)

Basically, I think you have to separate two issues here:

what would make your life easier/be nicer for your feelings

how your twins can enjoy good grandchildren/grandparent relations

LydiaWickham · 13/11/2011 12:07

Sitters.co.uk - or ask round friends who are working and using nannies, a lot of nannies will like the extra cash (esp in the run up to Christmas!) for an afternoon work with another family. (assuming you want weekends, or I have a couple of friends who work 4 days a week, their nannies often are happy to pick up an extra day's work on their day 'off'.)

If you want weekend and evening cover, a lot of nursery staff will do that, again, ask any working friends if they could recommend someone. (We often use DS's old key worker from the baby room, he's now moved up but she's still flexible and his new key worker is older with a family of her own and not available for other babysitting)

bebemoojem · 13/11/2011 12:17

When my sister had twins she said the help 'dropped off' and she said it made it really hard. I told her on my part at least it was a confidence issue. I wasn't sure how to handle 2 toddlers at the same time. Now that I have 2 children of my own I'm not so anxious abt the twins (tho they're now 5) but I didn't know how to do it when she really needed it.
I'd suggest 'handing over' 2 kids at a time...say the older and one of the twins then the 'middle' and a twin. Until she learns their personalities and what they might need from her. Then she may be more willing to take the 2 twins when her confidence increases.

As for this 'free babysitting' negativity stuff people are spouting...when you're part of a family you give and take. It's not unreasonable to think and ask and expect some babysitting 'for free' from family members. After all you in turn can/are/should be doing things for them 'for free' also... think abt it as 'helping out' rather than getting stuff for free Hmm

sayithowitis · 13/11/2011 12:51

FlyAwayBaby Sun 13-Nov-11 12:00:43
.....One adult can supervise two older ones while another has a toddler. But when there's 2 crazy toddlers they need watching/chasing at the same time! (Normally in opposite directions :D).......

Says it all really. If you find it difficult with your two toddlers, then she will too. And trust me, despite what you might think, it is surprising how much ones energy levels drop as you get older. I am around your mum's age, and I am not sure I would feel confident dealing with two 'crazy toodlers who need watching/chasing at the same time'.

I would, however, feel I could cope with one, so maybe you couldsuggest that to her. That way she gets to build a relationship with each of them, rather than with them as a pair.

Oh, and whilst you may , just possibly, have a point about the current situation being unfair on your little ones, YABU to refer to fairness IRO of you and your DH. Unless of course you allowed your mum any say in your decision to have more children after the first two. it is not her responsibility to have yur children at all. The fact that she has any of them is a bonus, not a right.

valiumredhead · 13/11/2011 13:02

Jesus, I woudn't be in a hurry to offer to look after 2 year old twins and I am 40 let a lone when I am 60 plus!

Tryharder · 13/11/2011 13:04

I am always bemused when posters are criticised for wanting grandparents and family members to help look after children or babysit. Families help each other out. If my mum wants something doing, I'll do it for her and likewise she helps me out loads. I find it very strange when grandparents don't want to be involved in looking after their grandchildren (health permitting of course)

Bonsoir · 13/11/2011 13:06

Why can't your mother take one twin at a time?

cory · 13/11/2011 13:08

I think there are two issues:

on the one hand, the perfectly healthy assumption that families should mutually try to help each other (the OP doesn't say how she and her dh help the grandparents, but let's assume they do)

on the other hand, the assumption that the quality of a relationship should depend on how much somebody is able to help you

I see the second one as a bit of a non-sequitur

RomanKindle · 13/11/2011 16:03

YANBU. Of course you can't expect your dm to babysit any of them but as they get older the twins are going to wonder why the older ones get to go to grannies on their own and they don't. Once the twins are old enough to understand if your dm has not changed her mind I think you would be perfectly reasonable to say that your dm either babysits all of them equally (one at a time if necessary) or none of them at all.
As for you having some adult time you might have to look to other family/friends or a professional babysitter.

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