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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To believe that women can have emotionless sex

47 replies

Beaverfeaver · 13/11/2011 01:07

...
I believe women can have emotionless sex.

In the same way a man can.

At the same time, I know that most women would not be able to separate emotions, but some definitely can.

It does not make them love their DP or DH any less, is does not mean that they want to break up.

Might be a tad controversial, but I have felt this way for over 10 years now

OP posts:

northernwreck · 13/11/2011 12:31

I can have an emotionless one nighter, but if I have good sex with a man a few times, no, I fall in love.
It's an equasion: Good sex x 3 = crazy love hormones. That's just me though, right?
However, any man who says he cant have emotionless sex IS LYING!!!
Sometimes I am astounded by what women choose to believe!

cory · 13/11/2011 12:33

do you know every man in the world, northern?

I have known men who are desperate to convince themselves they are deeply in love with any woman they have any kind of sexual/close contact with

some men are far more romantic (or whatever you choose to call it) than some women

Thumbwitch · 13/11/2011 12:37

Of course they can, but fewer do seem to manage it. Don't really know why that is either.
I had a year where I was a bit more frivolous about sex than usual-for-me - didn't invest any emotion in any of them, except one who was a friend and it shouldn't have happened but we were both verrrrryyy drunk so it did (yes I did agree, I just wished I hadn't in the morning because I didn't want to bugger up that friendship! Did anyway :()

BertieBotts · 13/11/2011 12:46

If so many people are having casual sex behind their partner's back, surely there are plenty of people who would be happier in open relationships. Maybe they should get together with each other?

Thumbwitch · 13/11/2011 12:50

Oops, should I suppose point out that I was single at the time, not indulging in any extra-marital. I have zero interest in doing that.

BertieBotts · 13/11/2011 12:53

Wasn't aimed at your post, Thumbwitch, but at Freudian's :)

FreudianSlipper · 13/11/2011 12:58

i am not saying it is right (or wrong) but that it happens

yes maybe they should but the person they fall in love with might not be open to having that sort of relationship, their desire to have sex with others may change over the years but of course it would be better if both were that way

BertieBotts · 13/11/2011 13:01

Oh yeah I agree it does happen - I'm just saying maybe we as a society should start being more open about it, then maybe more people would end up in relationships they're actually happy in rather than people cheating in secret/people being lied to by their partners/being desperately unhappy being monogamous but not wanting to let their partner down.

cory · 13/11/2011 13:05

I grew up in Sweden where cheerful non-commital casual sex was very much the norm in my generation and totally accepted, but I have noticed that once my contemporaries have entered committed relationships with agreements on sexual behaviour they have shown no greater relish for being lied to than any previous generation; the fallout seems to hurt just as much- perhaps more because of the greater stress laid on honesty and personal trust

FreudianSlipper · 13/11/2011 13:12

i agree

i always thought being monogamous was the be all and end all of a realtionship now i am not so sure (and have felt that way while in a realtionship) but that does not mean i want to be lied too or have wanted to go off and have sex with others it just does not mean as much to me as it once did as for me sex and emotions for can be seperated and i can understand who it can for others, though i may not be so understanding if i were madly in love i am not sure feelings change

FreudianSlipper · 13/11/2011 13:13

how it can for others ...

northernwreck · 13/11/2011 16:43

cory Yes I do. I am Mrs Claus.

northernwreck · 13/11/2011 16:46

On the one hand it is totally unrealistic to expect a marriage to last 50 odd years with no dalliances, or un-acted on longings.
On the other hand if I were in love and my partner cheated on me I would want to rip out his still beating heart and show it to him while he bled to death,
Tricky.
On the other hand entirely (yes I have three hands) if I were no longer in love with my partner I think I could compartmentalize it if he cheated, turn a blind eye that sort of thing.

tethersend · 13/11/2011 16:47

"Yes, of course we can, and the endless propaganda insisting that we can't is really about keeping women under male control."

This. Exactly this.

northernwreck · 13/11/2011 16:50

Hormones have a lot to do with the gender aspect. Men tend to be more up for it in general as they have more testosterone.
I watched a programme about female to male sex changes once, and the girl who was becoming a boy was getting testosterone injections. She was amazed at how horny she was all the time, but also how her capacity for casual and meaningless sex was massively increased.

cory · 13/11/2011 16:54

Personally, I think what is unrealistic is not recognising that men and women are individuals and what works for one couple may not work for another: the important thing it to recognise who you are and be upfront about that.

If I had lived my life according to what other people thought realistic, I would not have got half the things done that I have - including a 10 year long distance relationship that culminated in a very happy marriage (still going strong nearly 20 years later), but the point is not whether our expectations were valid for men/women in general but whether they were realistic for us.

northernwreck · 13/11/2011 17:02

Thats what I meant Cory-it's totally unrealistic to expect a marriage made up of two individuals (as they normally are) to last 50 years with no dalliances.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 13/11/2011 22:50

Possibly what the OP meant to discuss is the fact that men and women are equally capable of intending to be heteromonogamous due to the cultural pressure to be heteromonogamous, but engaging in spontaneous sexual contact with someone other than the officially sanctioned partner and not thinking it's a big deal.

windsorTides · 13/11/2011 23:22

Yes of course women can have emotionless sex. As there are men who cannot, despite the massive socialisation that they must have sex when ever it is offered.

I also agree that women can compartmentalise their affairs just as easily as men, but there are many of both sexes who cannot. The compartmentalisers are possibly more pragmatic and less inclined to leave their sanctioned partners for the sake of transitory lust, but it doesn't make them any less of a liar or a cheat.

cory · 13/11/2011 23:38

northernwreck Sun 13-Nov-11 17:02:28
"Thats what I meant Cory-it's totally unrealistic to expect a marriage made up of two individuals (as they normally are) to last 50 years with no dalliances."

not if those two individuals happen to be individuals whom that lifestyle happens to suit

but it is the responsibility of each of the two individuals to think carefully about what commitments s/he makes and to be honest about any later changes in needs or attitudes

I haven't felt any change coming over me after 30 years in this relationship and have seen no evidence of any change in dh, but hope he would be upfront about it if there was a change

samandi · 14/11/2011 09:02

Uh, no? Emotionless sex is boring though.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 14/11/2011 16:33

Samandi: Not for me it's not. I've had more bad sex in 'committed relationships' where it's been a matter of not wanting to hurt his ickle feelings even though his technique leaves a lot to be desired.

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