To want to run far far away

[Mrswhiskerson]

Dh has had depression for around a year and a half now has left work to be a sahd which I am fine with as I prefer to work ,
ds is going through a stage where he just won't listen to us at all and seems to be doing his best to be as difficult as possible dh gets ratty with him which I hate and then he feels guilty , I would rather use supernanny techniques thean shout at him . This causes arguments between us

I am really struggling to find work I have a part time minimum wage job and am constantly looking for more hours somewhere .

I am sick to death of the negativity and arguments at home and can't see a end to dh depression as we have tried everything .

To cap it off I never see my lovely friends as they live far away an there never seems to be time.

I feel terrible saying this but I want to run away from the lot of them far far away .

I know I am moaning and there are people so much worse off than me I just feel stuck in a never ending cycle of stress amd negativity amd I know I will be responsible financially for our family for years and years to come because dh can't work due to depression I don't mind but I can't help but feel like someone is piling more and more pressure on me and there is nothing to ever look forward to .

If anyone could give me a good straight mn talking to I would appreciate it .

No straight talking from me

When you're in the middle of it, it doesn't matter what's happening to other people.

How old is you DS?

And has any medication from the doctor helped your DH any?

Sorry no straight talking here either. That all sounds horrid for you
Wish I had some constructive advice but I can't think of any, just sympathy

I had depression for seven years culminating in a breakdown, when I changed my medication my life changed and I now work 40 hours per week and the depression has all but gone, i have my down moments but not many, before that I was permanently down and crying.

I found therapy unhelpful.

Get your partner to the doctors for a change of medication.

I have grown up with a parent who was diagnosed with (manic) depression, my DH is a depressive (undiagnosed, he won't seek help) and I am a (functioning) depressive.

We sound like a happy bunch don't we (?!)

Depression is obviously an illness and your DH needs help.
I agree that he needs to see his GP for help eith medication and/ or therapy.

OP, living with someone with depression is exhausting. Every mood can be dictated by the person with depression. This can cause a huge amount of resentment, anxiety and stress in people around them as depressed people can literally suck the joy out of life for others.
Some of the most self centred and selfish people in my life live or have lived with depression. I don't blame you at all for wanting to get away from it all.

You need help as much as your DH. Go to your GP and talk about how you feel. Talk to your DH and tell him how you feel.
You have a right to enjoy your life and your DH needs help to get better.

he had tried so many anti depressants one of which made his symptoms so
much worse he became really aggressive and the others have had bad side effects if only he could get some sleep he would be much much better , the doctor won't give him sleeping tablets or strong mess because he has a history of drug abuse ( a long long time ago) counselling hasn't dine much good .

This sounds terrible and I judge myself but sometimes I day dream about a wild affair exciting and feeling happy again feelin appreciated not completely taken for granted I wouldn't do it not in a million years It freaks me out I'm thinking like that ,I really do love dh I just feel so trapped at the minute.

fabbychic I'm so glad things turned out good for you it does give me a bit of hope thank you

You don't sound terrible, and there's absoloutely no reason for you to feel guilty for wanting a bit of an escape.

Feeling trapped is horrible, searching for a chink of light at the end of the tunnel is a natural reaction.

Is there anything you do (a hobby/passion) where you get a regular bit of time to do something just for you?

If you don't, could you sort something? Even an hour a week would at least give you a bit of yourself back.

You say your DH has had depression for a year and a half, I'm afraid I don't know a whole load about depression, but did something spark it off?

If it did, is there any hope that it might subside in time? Something you can focus on in the future that'll give you the strength to get through this part.

Not a fan of supernanny, but I think you should discuss what to do regarding disaplin.

It's very very hard to live with someone who has depression, so I'm not surprised you want to run away. Please don't feel guilty about it.

Is there any way you could get away for even just a weekend to visit your friends? It would probably do you the world of good, and it sounds like you're burnt out and need a break. You have to look after your own mental health as well missus, so please don't feel bad about looking out for yourself.

agentzigzag he has had depression on and off most if his life we had a very stressful year and then to top it off our ds got Ill and almost died but he was depressed before then , since we have really struggled finacially as I lost my job and have found it hard to find work since I have work now I started this week but it barely covers the bills ,

I feel terrible I am starting to resent him because I know it is a illness and I know dh feels terrible too he has been in tears over how it is affecting us all , if we do go out his moods can ruin the day and it doesn't seem worth it , the thing is on a good day he is the most loving funny caring personnyou could meet the man I fell in love with ,on a bad day he is snappy everything I say is wrong and he has no joy in life which does affect us all and sucks the joy out of everything . We have a photo of us before all of this and we look so happy young happy and carefree an it breaks my heart when I look at it now because it seems so far away .

Does anyone have any tips on getting a good nights sleep? I know if he had a proper rest things would be so much better.

I'm a bit concerned that your ds is subjected to your husband and his illness. As someone said upthread, people with depression can suck the life out of you and I assume ds is spending a lot of time with him? That would concern me tbh. Basically, it sounds like your husban'ds illness is having an impact on the whole family.

I'm sorry it may seem an unhelpful thing for me to say when you already feel so weighed down with difficulties. Are there are any support groups around for people living with someone with a mental illness - I bet there are (somewhere)! I always find support groups extremely helpful when you are facing something very difficult - not only for general camaraderie and emotional support but practical suggestions too; plus it breaks that sense of isolation, that you are alone with this awful problem. Perhaps you could give MIND a go, have a look at their website?

from my experience, boundaries are especially important when dealing with someone with depression, whereas the natural reaction is to give them a big of slack. Imo, living with someone with depression is extremely hard and miserable and no wonder you just want to run away - it can be unbearable. YOu probably feel powerless and hopeless - I bet the experts could give you some strategies that give you back a sense of power and hope.

I've been hesitating to broach this but do you feel guilty re do you want to be in the relationship? perhaps you feel you can't kick someone when they're down? I think you may need to bite the bullet and explore your feelings - perhaps you could get a 6-week counselling course through your GP to honestly lay out your feelings and options, and possibly talk through your options for the future.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time OP and I hope you get a spark of hope soon, one way or another.

springydaffs I went to my mums today and she asked me the same question do I want to be in the relationship and I said I hope things get better because I love him so much when she said i've has been like this for ages this is now him it knocked me for six if he makes no effort to get better an thinks he can take his moods out on me the idea of this being it for the next forty years terrifies me and there has been times when I have thought we should split bit then he will have a good day or it will ease for a while and the real him is back and there is no one on earth I would rather be with and tbh if we did split I literally could not be bothered ever having a relationship again I have had too many bad ones and know so many people in bad ones it seems not worth it sometimes hope that makes sense.
I am going to make an appointment with the doc it's not long since I got over pnd and I can feel
myself sliding back and it's not fair on ds.

Mrs, I hope you get a good GP who can offer you - and your family - the support you really need. For now, I think you must focus on you , as you don't want two of you going down together

I don't agree with your DM though, that this is 'it' for good, that he'll always be like this. It's 'only' been 18 months! Depression can take a long time to work its way through iyswim - i was ill for about 4 years all in when I had it (not all of it horrendous but from start to finish if you like). It was a brutal and unnecessary thing to say imo - not accurate either.

I'm a bit puzzled by your accounts of your DH's experiences with anti-d's though. I took anti-d's when I had pnd - the main, unbearable, symptom was that I entirely stopped sleeping and was desperate for something to knock me out. anti-d's did it and I couldn't rate them more highly - they literally saved my life. I know they take a while to settle in - did your DH give it long enough? The settling in period can be a bit horrible but you generally have to keep going. Though maybe someone on here will jump on that and tell me I'm wrong. imo if he isn't sleeping then any discomfort for the first however many weeks is worth it. The anti-d I took was an old one and I put on 3st in weight - but I was in such a bad state I didn't care as long as I could get some sleep (that just goes to show how bad it was - what woman doesn't care about putting on 3st??). You generally don't put on that sort of weight with the new ones though.

re support groups - I don't know where you are in the country but there is a depression support group my way (and in a few cities I think) called Changes - have a google and see? Also, ask your GP for support groups in your area for people who live with someone with a MH problem.

re sleep. There are lots of techniques that are helpful. First is exercise. Second, proper, nutritious food (not lots of sugar, caffeine and simple carbs (white flour etc). Learning proper breathing techniques - deep breaths, not shallow 'shoulder' breathing - is also very useful for stress in general. There are a lot of herbal preparations that are very good for helping with sleep - kalms is one (brilliant imo) plus I have used Nelson's homeopathic preparation. But when I was really ill I needed proper meds as herbal/homeopathic remedies just didn't do it at all.

Does your DH take responsibility for his illness? re does he research techniques, find his own support etc? I know depression can render you completely unable to climb the stairs sometimes but does he make any moves to show he is taking this seriously?

Just a few ideas...

Changes depression support

19:40:46&v=8.0.0.34&sap=dsp&q=living+with+someone+with+depression Google list of sites re living with someone with depression

MIND mental health charity

Oops, that second one didn't work!

Google 'living with someone with depression' - lots of sites

On the sleep issue, I really recommend Paul McKenna's book (I think it's called I can make you sleep). It has all the practical advice in it, but it also focuses on the anxiety and psychological issues that usually impair sleep. Both DH and I have really benefited from it.

I also found out this year that taking magnesium pills just before bed really helps -- herbal sleep aids did nothing for me, but magnesium zonked me out very quickly.

On the broader issues -- of course it's completely natural that you want to run away. Isn't that the most obvious response to an awful situation?

I was chronically depressed for many years. To be honest, I don't blame anyone who didn't want to be with me during that time. So what if there were some times I was good? Those people deserved to be with someone who was good all the time. Depression may be an illness, but it's not like an inoperable brain tumour -- there are many ways of attacking it and your DH can't give up.

What kind of counseling did he have? Can you get CBT? I got rid of my depression not through medication, but a few months of CBT.

But really, your primary responsibility right now is to your son. He does not deserve to grow up in the kind of home you are describing. If the only way to give him a good life is to leave your DH which may be true, if he has struggled with depression his whole life then you are not a terrible person for considering that.