AIBU re teenage DS and pocket money

[duckdodgers]

Ive just had a huge row with DS1 whos 18 and I'm really upset, I dont think Im being unreasonable but need to know am I? Its all about money.

Background - he works part time (a milk round before college, collecting the money 2 days after college) and gets £20 a week wages plus tips usually takes it to £50-£55 a week. Hes also got a college bursary of £75 a week, so altogether he gets £125 a week. Out of which he pays his college travel expenses (about £20 a week), his lunches at college for 3 days, its only food because we buy him a crate of flavoured water from a cash n carry at the start of the month to do him.

Up until this month we were also giving him £45 a month pocket money and paying his contract phone, about another £40 a month and buying all his toiletries, about £15-£20 a month.

I've just told him we are stopping his pocket money and had a whole lot of attitude. Dont get me wrong hes generally a decent boy whose not gave us much grief, but I probably do, or have spoiled him at times, I was a single parent before I met my DH who has raised him since he was 4 and he calls Dad, and I now have another 2 DSs who are 3 and 9.

We are not poor but not well off either - I'm a Nurse working Monday-Friday and DH works part time at weekends and is a SAHD through the week. He's recently just registered as a Childminder to try and up our income but so far has no children yet.

As everyone knows bills are just rising and rising. I warned DS1 that I would "fine" him £5 every time I got up during the night and found his TV on - he has a habit of watching TV in bed and falling asleep, therefore a complete waste of electricity, and our bill is high enough.

Well when I told him I was sticking to this "fine" as I was up at 5 this morning, his TV was on and he was fast asleep (we actually owe him some money so I will just take it off that) he's just accused me of thinking up ways to take money off him and that we should be grateful as we are saving money compared to when he was at school (probably true as we gave him £12.50 a week then for lunches).

Basically I told him if he thought he was getting a raw deal he should find somewhere else to live (the last thing I want), he knows he wouldn't be able to. And its about teaching himj to contribute to household expenses, for the first couple bursary payments I let it go as he was buying loads new clothes, as we don't buy him clothes (the stuff he wants is too expensive) apart from at Christmas.

But AIBU to stop his pocket money and "fine" him? I'm at the end of my tether regarding the TV thing as its all the time. I am still going to pay his phone and buy his toiletries.

Hes just apologised for giving me attitude which makes me feel a bit better.

grovel - no hes not planning on going to University. He wants to join the RAF and do electrical engineering. He got turned down this year because he doesn't have a physics qualification so has went to college to do a NC electrical and electronic engineering. Next year he plans on doing the HNC and then applying for the RAF again.

He swears that Lynx deodorant is the only one that works on him

I will sit down with him and have a proper talk when he gets back now, I can accept getting angry hasnt helped matters and Ive probably not gone about it the right way. DH has been wanting to stop his pocket money for months now.

Thanks grovel

And to be fair to him I should add he has paid for all but 2 of his (expensive) driving lessons himself, plus the first 2 tests he failed - thank god he passed 3rd time!

I remember when he was 14 and ran up a huge mobile bill - I made him sell his X box and then sent him out as an Avon boy till he paid me the rest of it off, I haven't always been so generous

How is he getting a college bursary of £75 a week?

I'm aghast tbh. When I was at college I was utterly skint, all the time. My parents only gave me a little bit of money for lunch, and I had some money I earnt delivering cancer research magazines. That was it. I couldn't have even imagined having over £100 a week to spend.

He's 18, he shouldn't expect pocket money, especially while working. I was out on my own at that age and running my own house (moved out 4 days after my 16th Birthday) People who live with thier parents don't know how easy they have got it!

I had the same argument with my dd, but her income was less than your ds's. There were 2 main reasons I stopped the pocket money 1) I worked out that she had more disposable income each week than I did, 2) she'd stopped puling her weight with household chores as with college and a part time job she said she didn't have the time (but still slept til lunchtime at the weekends and went out every Fri and Sat night!)

He gets a bursary that includes travel expenses based on my earnings and DHs paltry as and when agency work. If and when my Dh starts earning as a childminder then I guess then wouldnt be entitled to as much, but so far no-one here seems to want to take on a male childminder.

Its only a year course and when he does the HNC he will have to apply for student loans. I have never grudged him the money he earns himself because he has worked hard for that, including getting up at half 5 2 mornings a week, and a whole evening out collecting money, plus any callbacks he has to do then over the weekend.

duck, I only asked about university because he'd seriously need to cut his spending if was away from home. It sounds as though he is pretty well "sorted" really.

Rikalaaily you are so right! I want to try and get the balance of enjoying his teenage years but teaching him responsibility to.

nbee that sounds familiar regarding household chores! About the only thing he does is his washing and then he hogs the washing machine all the time washing tiny amounts. My DH - who does all the ironing in the house - is in the process of refusing to do his ironing to teach him how to do it for himself. I've lost count of the amount of times we have shown him how to work the iron!

We stopped DS1s pocket money (he is 17) after AS levels, in order to encourage him to find a part time job - something DH and I consider a rite of passage towards adulthood. We also threatened to stop paying his phone contract.

Now he works in a local cafe and gets about £40-45 a week. From that he pays for clothes, going out, holidays (without us - if he came with us, we'd pay), sweets, soft drinks, Lynx etc.

We pay for school lunches and school transport, basic toiletries (Sure deoderant and Tesco dandruff shampoo) and are still paying for his contract because it's less than £7 a month.

Yes grovel I think you're right but I cant help feeling unreasonable - but thanks to here now I know I shouldn't feel so bad. Its certainly caused some er..."disagreements" between me and DH.

He's 18 and still gets pocket money? Bugger that. My Mum stopped mine when I got a job at 16 and through college I got £30 EMA and whatever I earnt from my Sunday job each week.

How does he get that much a week and spend it all?!

Saying that I was still crap with money when I left home and only just started doing well with saving when I had something to save for last year (aged 21)!

Also, I have a galaxy s2 on a £30 a month 18 or 24 month contract (unlim internet, unlim house calls, 600mins and 500 texts), how many texts does he need?!

I think you need to start charging him rent too otherwise he'll never leave home!

pixie up until a few weeks ago most if it was going on driving lessons - at £30 a time plus £60 for test and £40 for hire of car before. He only started college late August so the novelty of having a bursary plus no driving lessons hasn't wore off yet This fortnights money he is starting to save some of it because he wants to go to Spain next year with his friends.

I will ask DH again about the phone contract, thanks.

Pixie he's going to join the RAF and will presumably leave home.

As a new recruit he will get lodging, 3 meals a day............

Duck - your dh will be doing him a favour by teaching him how to iron...no-one will do it for him in the RAF.

Hes just managed to iron his top and trousers for tonight, I think he feels bad for our row early on

Id stop his pocket money he is 18, but Id not stop buying his toiletries or paying his contract phone.

I only earn £18k a year and I'm a lone parent - I've been told that the maximum bursary DD can expect is £20 a week.

If your DS gets £75 a week then he is incredibly lucky.

I missed that bit before, had the page open but didn't refresh before posting I cash see whee the money went with lessons, they are bloody expensive. I still think that paying rent would be good though, I struggled with that concept when I first started paying it as my jobs had all included it up until a year ago and it wasn't even something I thought about until it came out off my first payt check!

I wish him luck with the raf :)

Gah. Posting from phone, please exude the errors!