to still be affected by this, scared of being judged badly..and embarrassed?

[toastytoes]

Better put the kettle on and take a comfy seat - it's a bit long, sorry!

When I was 19 I went to a party one Friday evening. My friends and I were running late and missed dinner. We thought there'd be food at the party, so didn't stop to get anything on the way - and it was in a suburb with no shops/restaurants nearby that were open at that time.

So, of course, food all gone when we arrived totally starving..except for a watermelon that was hollowed out, filled with vodka and had chunks of watermelon put back inside to marinate. By the time we got there, they'd been 'marinating' for a good 4 hours.

I ate the watermelon. All of it. I got alcohol poisoning and was sick for about a week after.

The thing is, I was really sick at the the party and after vomiting copiously (sorry, TMI) I found a room in which a couple of people had passed out and passed out myself. Literally. At some point, someone came in and I vaguely remember the door opening and the person silhouetted, but I specifically remember that he lifted up my skirt, moved my underwear aside and tried to have sex with me. I also remember (and it makes me chuckle) that he was completely flaccid! I was so out of it that I couldn't speak, couldn't move, but I know it happened. Whoever it was left unsuccessful.

I stopped drinking after that. A few months later I was raped by my boyfriend (he wasn't around at time of first incident), two weeks after that (or before, I've kind of blanked it out) by a 'friend' and a few years later was sexually assaulted by two doctors treating me (separate places and occasions). I'm not kidding.

I feel that the first incident affected me, but it feels kind of silly given the rape and the subsequent assaults by my doctors as those three affected my trust, but in the first, well, nothing actually happened.

I have never told anybody about all the incidents together. Some people know I've been raped twice, some once and some about the doctors and some all of them, but I haven't ever told anybody about the first. I feel so embarrassed that all these things happened to me. It's easy to say that women aren't to blame for being raped, but twice in two weeks? Then the assaults? I truly don't think I was to blame entirely for any one, but I certainly have made sure that there is no way anything like that can happen again - and it hasn't, which means that I could maybe have done more to prevent them...

Anyway, I've had counseling for the rapes and that's made a difference. I didn't tell the counsellors about the first incident because a)it seems insignificant next to the rapes b)I was embarrassed that there are so many 'incidents' and c) counsellors are people too and I just don't believe that if people hear of them all that they won't in some way, deep down, think that I brought it all on myself.

btw - I wasn't promiscuous, wearing provocative clothes etc - not that that 'asks' for anything, but just sayin'! I was very trusting, a bit naive and bubbly when I was younger though.

oh, and I've name changed for this because some people know me in real life.

DSd you go to the police about any of the incidents?

Oh Toasty, how awful for you. I really think if counselling helped you with the rapes, then you should go back and speak to someone. I don't really feel qualified to give you the right advice, but I hope you can find some peace with the right help.

Oh you poor thing. The first incident was a sexual assault / attempted rape - it doesn't make it any less bad because more awful things have happened to you afterwards.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about - you have had the misfortune of encountering some right bastards but that is not your fault and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of.

Many many women have multiple incidents of this type happen to them - you are not alone.

I don't know what else to say really. What were you hoping to get from this thread?

I don't judge you, and I don't think any of them are your fault. Stacking them up does nothing to alter that. You have been fucking unlucky. Sorry.

I'm so sorry all that happened to you. Sometimes the most ambiguous incident can be the one that plays on your mind the most I think. Some pretty nasty shit happened to me when I was younger but one particular incident plays on my mind because it could be construed as a non-event when in fact I found it very scary and invasive. Do you in some way blame yourself for the first incident because you were drunk?

Remember if you could have done anything to prevent these things happening then you would have done it. The reason you didn't prevent them is because you weren't able to. That in itself is hard to accept as it can make you feel powerless.

I think it would be a good idea to try counselling again and to try to talk about all the incidents. The first incident wasn't insignificant - if it affects you then it is very very significant. Your counsellor won't judge you or think you brought it on yourself.

I'm a counsellor (and a person as you rightly point out ) and I've been sexually assaulted about half a dozen times, sexually harassed at work even more. Yes to attempted rape and yes to sexual abuse. Very little of what happened to me was my fault though I could have taken care of myself earlier. I too was young, bubbly, naive and too trusting.

I think what happened to you in the first attempted rape is very significant. Maybe it feels like such an out of body/disconnected experience for you?

I can only urge you to seek counselling for it and I hope very much you will find a non-judgemental counsellor (we're all supposed to be).

Many counsellors like me have traumatic pasts - actually I don't know any that don't have trauma in their pasts - it's one of the reasons we're drawn to the work.

It isn't your fault at all. It is a statisical fact that you would have been very likely to have been attacked again after the first time, and that doesnt make it your fault at all. Talk to someone and tell them the whole truth, they wont judge you for it because they know its not your fault AT ALL, it is something that happens. You are no more to blame for it because you were drunk than you would have been if you had been sober.

Sweetheart, it's very unfortunate but just because you have been raped once doesn't mean you've 'had your quota' or that it's your fault. Are there any reasons you feel you're to blame for any of these?

wow how frightfully unlucky you seem to have been

RedHelen - I didn't go to the police. None of them happened in the UK and two happened in a country where going to the police is almost scarier than being raped...

sardinequeen - tbh, I wasn't exactly sure what I was hoping to get. Been feeling 'stirred up' about it recently and needed some outside perspective. My DH is very supportive, but gets upset to see me upset about these things because it's difficult for him to do anything tangible to "fix it".

aubergine - "fucking unlucky"..made me laugh given the context!

Laurie - thanks for that. Really. It helps to know someone real (even if it's online ) went though somethings similar, although, obviously, it would have been better if you had no story! It does feel out of body - almost like a dream, only it's not.

MrsTwinks and Betty - that came as a bit of a shock! I had no idea there was a higher likelihood of it happening again if it happened once. I was definitely working on the assumption a few years ago that I'd had my "quota"! The only reason I feel that people would blame me (I'm pretty certain that I'm not totally to blame and possibly not at all to blame) is because it didn't happen once. I was working under the impression that things like this usually only happen once! I hope it's true (the statistics bit) because it's strangely comforting!!

I have also been assaulted more than once. It is more common that you realise and doesn't make the experience any less horrifying or your fault in anyway.

Please don't feel like you could have prevented this. Just imagine the level of morals these people had to do this to you. I'm so sorry and wish you all the luck in the world with your life.

How awful for you. Perhaps the first incident is playing on your mind because firstly you haven't dared talk to a counsellor about it, so there is still shame and secrecy attached to it, and secondly because that was the moment when the world changed for you - the first time you had your trust violated. You need to talk to a counsellor about the first incident, to unlock some of that shame, and to see how the attacks were a chain of events - not one that you caused or had any responsibility for - but that you were already living with the emotional consequences of that first attack when the second happened, and living with both when the third happened and so on.

tbh, what I tend to think is that the first near-rape damaged you psychologically in ways that may have caused you to feel that you deserved it, and that maybe had you been able to face up to that damage directly that you might have been able to foresee some risks, and prevent the subsequent attacks. It could even be that at some level you were trying to relive the initial weird/traumatic experiences in order to come to terms with it (human beings do mad things like that). That doesn't mean you wanted it to recur, for the worst to happen, only that our minds make us want things like that to try to come to terms with bizarre/traumatic events in our lives.

That doesn't make you to blame, it means that you've been terribly terribly hurt & couldn't look after yourself properly. It's a very sad & shocking story. I am so glad to hear you've had counselling.

Gawd, so sorry, I hate the way I wrote that, when I said "makes our minds want things like that...": what I meant is that our minds want to keep remembering the experience to try to understand it, and sometimes tricks us into thinking maybe it's okay to let it happen again, just because we're so desperate to understand the past.

It's NOT the same as wanting it to happen, it's more like our self-preservation instincts have become severely crippled.

toasty well it can be very cathartic talking about thing on MN, there are a lot of women who have told what has happened to them with this sort of thing for the first time on MN, and it always helps to know that a lot of other women have had similar experiences.

Right people, you're helping me a lot today!

First, I didn't see it as 'attempted rape' or 'near rape' or any other sort of 'rape' connotation. I just labelled it as something that can happen when you drink! This is the same as I did with the actual rapes too ('he hurt me [physically]' and 'he took something I didn't want him to have') and it wasn't until, five years later, an elderly male friend told me about his rape experience when he was in his twenties that I realised I'd been a bit more than 'physically hurt'! So, understanding that this was a little more than 'something that can happen when you drink' is very useful and helps me figure some other things out!

As for the chain of events, ragged and becstar, you made a good point there. It didn't occur with those incidents, because I hadn't yet figured out what had happened, but it did directly (I see clearly today, for the first time) impact some things I later did which were in a way 'reliving' it all.

Scarlett - thanks. It's so strangely reassuring that it's not just me! Kind of wish it were just me though... You're totally right about morals, sadly!

You are very clear-sighted and strong in the way that you are approaching this. Bloody well done. No, it's not just you, unfortunately it happens to many women including intelligent and sensible women like you.

I hope that those men who abused your trust so badly suffer somehow, some day. Bastards. I'm glad that you are married to a kind and supportive man now.