to feel pushed away

[calamityboo]

Background is that we have known each other years, bridesmaid for each other that sort of thing, now she is expecting her first child and does not seem bothered at all, i have 2 sons already that she is godmother to. She has always been the stioc straight forward type, but i feel that she is pushing me away at the moment. When i fell pregnant with DS2 the first thing she said was i had to save all my baby things for her and she was really excited for me, i have saved stuff and offered her all of it and been told no she will get it from somewhere else, i bought some baby clothes for her and she had a look (without the enthusiasm you would expect but that is normal for her) and said that i should buy no more as other people will want to buy stuff as well, i ask how she is doing and get a shrug and told ok, i asked her if she had her 24 week appointment and she said yeah she thinks she is something like that far gone, i really want to support her but i feel like i am annoying her or interfering if i ask how she is doing. I am very careful to make sure it is not the first thing i ask about when i see her and if i ask i try to be casual, but i get the feeling that she is either really not interested in the pregnancy or just doesnt want me 'interfeing'. i have tried to ask if she is ok, and say that when i was expecting DS2 i was scared/overwhealmed to see if she would open up but i get nothing from her.

I realise that people deal with pregnancies differently and i sound like a real spoilt child wanting to know why my friend does not want me any more, when she has clearly got bigger things going on, but it is not like that, i am worried and want to know if i should feel pushed away and let her get on with it or should i keep on trying to support and ignore her behaviour.

So bring on the spoilt cow cyber slaps, they might do me good!!

Is she happy about her pg? She is feeling sick a lot? I ask as these things may hamper her enjoyment x

Yeah i asked her in the early days if she was feeling ok if the morning sickness was a problen, she said she had no sickness at all and was fine, her dh told me she had been sick a couple of times but not daily, and she is happily planning decorating the room and cleaning the pram she got (from a different friend who she had to pay, mine was offered free)

Maybe she feels conscious that she doesn't want to be the centre of attention. I felt like that with both mine.

You sort of become public property during pregnancy, and people either love or hate that level of attention.

Also would she rather not look at clothes until the end? I was s bit superstitious about it.

You sound like a good friend, not a meddler. But perhaps ask her directly what the issue is - she doesn't sound very forthcoming otherwise!

Some people are just more private than others. Let her take the lead in what she wants to share, and apart from a general 'how are you', leave it at that.
I've had a similar situation where I've felt excluded, and I just had to accept that either a) it just wasn't my friends style to share more or
b) there was someone else that she felt more comfortable talking to.
I certainly did feel rejected but there's nothing you can do to change it.
Just carry on being friendly and smiley and TRY not to take it personally. (Hard I know).
xxx

Of course you are not being a spoilt cow! I can completely understand your hurt and concern. It sounds to me as though she might be a bit depressed. As we all know pregnancy can affect us in really strange ways that we would not expect. I remember feeling so ill and panicky at my first scan that it came out in sort of "couldn't care less, making jokes about everything"! The woman scanning me looked at me as if I was mad! I think your friend is having a tough time but maybe feels bad about saying so, there are so many expectations about how you "ought" to feel when pregnant or when being a new mum.

I would carry on doing what you are doing. You sound like a lovely, loyal, caring friend.

Alternatively might she be upset about something you have totally inadvertently said or done? Probably not but might be worth asking!

I have a different suggestion - maybe she is being a bit distant because you already have 2 children. I'm also a stoic type and deal with new situations, problems etc by trying to learn a lot about them. Sometimes I feel threatened by people who have a lot more subject knowledge than me. Maybe she finds it hard to be discovering all the pregnancy/new mum things and sharing them with someone to whom it's all a bit old hat. You might not feel like that of course, but perhaps she does?

If she is a really good and close friend, I would ask her if I'd done something to offend her and if everything is okay. Depending on how that went, I would then maybe hold back a bit and take my cues from her (and try not to be upset).

Is it possible that something has gone wrong during the pg and your friend just doesn't want to talk about it at the moment.

It's sad not to be able to share this experience with her, if you've previously been close. I would have to ask, but then I'm not good at leaving things alone.

Sorry i am late in replying, one of those days! it is good to hear that i am not a total head case, and thank you for your advice. Cherries you make a lovely point, maybe because her and her dh spent a while ttc i expect her to be over the moon, michaelas it is really good to hear from another 'stoic' i never thought of that! I will try and speak to her over the weekend, wish me luck, not good at confronting issues head on!!

MichaelaS's response rang a bell, in that it could it be a comparison issue. You have already gone through pregnancy and everything else twice, so she might think you know all there is to know while she's just setting forth on that journey. Some people don't like to reveal their vulnerabilities to people they perceive to be more knowledgeable than them. Is she genuinely stoical, or could that be the way she deals with her worries/anxieties by kind of denying them?

She sounds a bit like my sister - we were pregnant with our respective first-borns within about six weeks of each other but our behaviours were very different. Her attitude was that going through pregnancy/childbirth/raising a child was going to be straightforward no matter what. But looking back, I think her attitude was that of our mother's - don't display any worries/anxieties because that makes you look weak.

Maybe you could mention that everyone's experience is different, and she might have questions you don't know the answer to?

Hugglmugly it sounds like you know her!! she has always been the sort to prove she can cope better than others, rarely admitting she is scared or worried, even when we can see she is!

This goes from bad to worse. Twice this week now. I bought a bath changing stand, scond hand and said if she wanted it she could have it, if not we would use it as we are ttc again and would come in handy, and that i have a normal plastic bath from ds2 that she could have instead, now been told that she does not want either as one of the customers in their business has a bath to give her, and today i saw a half price brand new baby bouncing chair, only £17.50 vibration thing really nice (tesco if you want one) called her as i know she was after one and was upset hpw expnsive they are and yet again told no it is fie someone else will buy it for her, didnt even ask where it was so she could tell the other person where there was a nice cheap one, just no. Im afraid i got a bit stroppy and cut short the conversation. Should i keep trying, we have been friends for years but really cant take much more, or should i just ignore the fact she s pregnant and just be mates, really dont know what to do, have been reduced to tears today :(

sorry typing really bad today, will translate if needed!!!

forgot to mention, didnt get chance to ask if i had offended her or if there was a problem as i was so upset i couldnt. it is everythig i suggest/offer, i am not imagining it, was talking to dh and he has noticed it too. Sorry to keep going on, im sure you get the message!

Maybe you're doing too much and she feels your are taking over? (Even though obviously you have the best of intentions)

I am really trying not to, i know it is in me to do that so have really tried to take a 'here if you need owt' stance, i didnt buy the bath stand until they had seen a picture of it, i try and take my cue from her if she mentions the baby i will talk about it, but sometmes she doesnt so i will just pop into the conversation a casual 'bump treating you ok?' if she answers i leave it at that.

Perhaps she maybe fibbing a little about other people getting her stuff. She maybe giving everyone the same patter?
She may have fears about the pregnancy until she holds her baby. Hold onto the things you have lined up.
Is the relationship one that you could just tell her you love HER. Not the incubator she may feel like?
You sound like a wonderfull friend. Try not to overthink things

I think I'd be a bit fed up if someone kept trying to inform me about all the things they thought I'd need, even with the best of intentions. I'd just find it too overbearing, too 'I've done this before so I'm going to show you how'.

My MiL kept turning up with baby stuff every time I saw her, and it got to the stage where I felt like I wasn't being given the opportunity to choose anything for my baby, as she had arrived with a cot, a pushchair, someone's old plastic highchair, a breast pump, all sorts of things that I might have liked a bit of input into but felt that since we had them now I'd better use hers. I painted the cot and used it, used the pushchair, swapped the highchair for a tasteful wooden one , but although grateful to have saved the money I felt a bit out of control!

Stop trying to buy her things.. wait until the baby has arrived.

I wasn't trying to buy her anything today, I happened to see something I knew she wanted av a bargain price, I didn't think it was k bad thing to let her know it was there, I didn't even suggest I get it for her, like I would have if she wanted me to, it was the attitude of just shooting down anything I have tried to do, and I have not tried to do that much really, well I don't think so.