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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

TO THINK THAT THIS LITTLE BOY MAY NEED HELP!

49 replies

cuteboots · 10/11/2011 12:43

Ok here goes there is one little boy in my sons class who you hear about all the time for all the wrong reasons. Last night my son came home really upset telling me that this little boy had bitten him on the arm whilst in the classroom? he still had the mark on his arm when I checked so it obviously wasnt a small bite! at the start of the year he came to my sons party and proceed to cause chaos and stabbed a little girl in the arm with a colouring pencil! Even through Infant school he was the one little boy kicking and punching other children. I know that children are not angels but would you be happy with this? On a daily basis its this little boy that seems to be disrupting the class and lashing out at oither children? Am I just being a bit too protective of my son ?

OP posts:
soandsosmummy · 10/11/2011 13:24

i am guessing COD is Call of Duty - a violent video game though I've never seen it so I'm not sure of this.

Either that or the child is being fed a diet high in fish

MollyTheMole · 10/11/2011 13:26

Original - its Call of Duty, a game for the playstation or X Box that is based on the military.

Kids apparently dont know that its not cool to bite or hit someone etc so COD or similar usually gets blamed for stuff like this.

OriginalPoster · 10/11/2011 13:28

Ok Blush have heard of it, is it an 18? Doesn't sound child friendly to me...however as Snorbs said there were dcs who were violent before these games were invented.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 10/11/2011 13:32

And its based on the army, not killing prostitutes or anything. Not that prostitute killing games encourage biting either. Grin

Is biting a tactic taught by the British Army nowerdays?

Oh dear, sorry OP, this got a bit sidetracked!!

DoMeDon · 10/11/2011 13:34

Yes some DC were violent before invention of such games. Emotional abuse /neglect has gone on for a long time. It is becoming a matter of course in many homes. Shouting/swearing at/in front of DC, sexual innuendo, negative parenting. Additionally there are proven links between exposing DC to violent/sexual material and inappropraite behaviour. COD and similar games are rife, as are lewd music videos, sexual/violent song lyrics, screaming matches on Enders and the like.

BigKahuna · 10/11/2011 13:34

I'm aghast at some of these responses.

The boy obviously has some sort of behavioural / social problem. Of course you should be worried and concerned about your child being bitten and you have every right to speak to the school about it, , but I am telling you now - going in all guns blazing will solve nothing.

What you need to know is what are the school doing to support - not punish - this little boy. He is 7 yrs old. He obviously has problems. It could be problems at home / poor parenting, but it would be very wrong to jump to this conclusion.

My DS has Asperger's Sybdrome and was a terrible biter until he was well into reception year. He is in Year 2 now and still lashes out (although no more biting) now and then if other children 'annoy' him. The difference with DS is that he has a diagnosis and support, a great school and other parents are very supportive and understanding. His last school struggled to cope, ended up basically locking him in a room with a TA at break/lunch time because they couldn't 'control' him and other parents 'complained' about my child. What was the result of that? We left the school. We were basically driven out. But it was a lose-lose situation, because guess what? Another little boy with challenging behaviour - which was eventually diagnosed as ADHD and ASD - joined the class in my son's place

Moral of the story: Children with behavioural problems need support, not chastisement. There are very, very few children in my opinion who are 'just little shits'. There is always a reason for aggression, and usually a good way to change the behaviour.

Peachy · 10/11/2011 13:36

Why COD?????

Sounds exactly like ds1 at that age: he has AS, only picked up when we worked it out and fought for an assessment. We never have had COD or any other over 18 (or indeed over 15 game) in the house.

Trouble is, even as a parent with 2 ASD dx's now and a child suspected, assessments are 18 months away for him and ds2's Head teacher's theory of ADD for him has been refused consideration by all services due to lack of funding.

Therefore unlikely to get help.

DoMeDon · 10/11/2011 13:36

Base on the army - which you have to be old enough to join and many of who come back horiffically mentally/phsically scarred from their experiences. There is no need for violent games and films - they make a mockery of the real violence some people experience. They nomalise something we should be trying to eliminate from society. Whatever happened to a nice game of Scrabble.

OriginalPoster · 10/11/2011 13:37

There are computer games based on killing prostitutes? Shock

tethersend · 10/11/2011 13:42

"Either the little boy is suffering from a serious lack of decent parenting or he has some behavioural and/or medical condition.

If it is the former then I would exclude him from party invites until such time as he has learnt how to behave himself in an acceptable manner. "

I think it is unreasonable for a seven year old to overcome a serious lack of decent parenting on his own and learn how to behave himself in an acceptable manner Hmm

BigKahuna is right- whether this problem is due to SEN or social factors, the boy needs support. He could well be getting it; the school are under no obligation to share that information. However, I think you have legitimate concerns about how the school are going to keep your son safe, and it is not unreasonable to seek assurances from the school that they are able to do so.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 10/11/2011 13:42

DoMe I'm useless at Scrabble, my DH is Vairy Clever and beats me very muchly... :(
I much prefer a naice game of capitalist Monopoly :)

Btw, I dont think two occasions of violent behaviour this year that you are aware of necessarily means there is anything wrong...? The teacher is on the case, you are keeping an eye on it, and all seems well enough.
YANBU to think he needs help (be that behaviourally or medically), but if the teacher is on the case, this is already happening...?

tocha · 10/11/2011 13:48

agree with Tethers, that it may not be appropriate for school to tell you the details of anything that may be going on medically (re:SN assessment) regarding this boy.

nerfmum · 10/11/2011 13:54

Ooo Call of duty my DS 10 was talking about that last night. He was complaining that COD was all the other boys in his class talk about as they are playing every night. I had a wobble that he may be feeling left out as we only have ps2 and 2nd hand games, but actually my son was most annoyed that they were playing 18 game when only 10!
On original point, talk to teacher, ask to know what plan to deal with behaviour is. I am surprised that teacher didn't tell you personally about bite.

crazygracieuk · 10/11/2011 13:55

I know a similar 6 year old... He has given my son a black eye and cut lip and hurt other classmates- he's thrown chairs, pushed tables, stabbed with scissors...

I don't know if this child plays COD or GTA but I know that his mother rolls her eyes when the teacher or TA tells her what her son's been up to and that her partner beats and swears at her.

DoMeDon · 10/11/2011 13:56

I honestly think there should be a punishment for any parent who knowingly allows their child to break age restrictions. I know it wouldn't work - couldn't be imposed, etc. It makes my blood boil.

cuteboots · 10/11/2011 13:56

crazygracieuk- Sounds very familiar.

OP posts:
cuteboots · 10/11/2011 13:57

nerfmum-I think thats what me even more mad the fact that the teacher hadmt made me aware and the first thing I saw was the mark on his arm when he was in the bath! Grrrr

OP posts:
cuteboots · 10/11/2011 14:00

tocha-Im not sure Id want to know anything medical going on with this boy but it would be nice for my son to go to school and not be treated like this and also having to hear his name every evening gets a bit much! Just to know its being dealt with would be ok for me

OP posts:
cuteboots · 10/11/2011 14:01

beyond the limts- There are deffo more cases of violent behaviour towards other children Im afraid hence my concern...

OP posts:
nerfmum · 10/11/2011 14:03

Def talk to teacher when you pick up tonight then. Did your child tell the teacher when it happened?
DoMeDon I agree!

lollilou · 10/11/2011 14:07

When my son was in year one there was a little boy who used to scratch other children's faces (maybe more) bad enough to make deep marks. His Mum was going through treatment for breast cancer so I think it was due to the stressful home life he had. The teachers were aware of it and kept an eye on him. He is fine now a few years down the line and is one of my son's friends. I think you should talk to the teacher.

HalfTermHero · 10/11/2011 14:12

The thing is Tethers, if I knew that a child was badly behaved and had injured a child at a previous birthday party that I had held i would not invite him to another one. Why would I want that situation on my plate when I am responsible for the safety of the children in attendance and I want my child to hav a happy day? I am being honest there. Sure the kid would need support (via the school and possibly outside agencies) but my child's birthday party would not be the event I would choose to try to take a stand for the inclusion of disruptive/violent children.......I don't think I am being all that radical or controversial really.

If however I knew that the violent behaviour was a sympton of some condition I would have much more understanding and as long as a parent attended with the child then fine, i would 100% want him to be included.

A little boy with autism in my dc's school has gone regularly from hitting others kids with any implement to hand and tripping people over to being an absolute delight to be around. He has always been included in every social event and party (his parents always attended and helped him to feel comfortable and interact with others). The school have worked really hard with him and he has great support. Just about all the parents like him and are amazed by how far he has come on.

ChitChattingWithKids · 10/11/2011 14:13

BigKahuna - yes children do need support, and you were treated shabbily, but what are the parents of the OTHER children supposed to do?

And sometimes it's not because the child has a problem that parents are doing their all to sort out - I'm going through a situation with my DS where a boy that he's been friendly with for a few years (just started school but were at nursery together) is being quite nasty towards him, trying to exclude him, pushing him, etc. But the mum (who up until now I have been quite good friends with but am trying to distance myself from as a result of this) thinks her boy is simply wonderful and doesn't believe that he behaves like this. When he does behave like this in front of both of us then it's because of ME that he behaves like this and doesn't do this with anyone else. Hmm

Oh and I'm not allowed to say boo to her son. Apparently if I tell him off it just absolutely crushes her poor little darling's spirit .....

tethersend · 10/11/2011 17:22

HTH- I just had an issue with your assertion that the child needed to 'learn to behave himself' if the issue was poor parenting. A child is no more responsible for poor parenting than he is for a medical condition.

OP, this child is not being adequately supported if he is being allowed to hurt other children; your son is not being kept safe, and it is alarming that you were not told of the incident. Go and speak to the teacher about how they are going to keep your son safe and fulfil their duty of care.

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