to think DH should raise the Xmas subject with the ILs now it it well into November?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Background: I get on well with my ILs most of the time but xmas has been an issue for the last few years. For the first 11 years we were together me and DH spent the day at his parents, they had always "done xmas" and loved doing it. Once we had DC we increasingly wanted to be at home "doing xmas" for them. So 2 years ago (DC already 5 and 7 by then) we said we were staying at home and asked ILs to come to us. They came in the end after much sillyness from them (and much posting on MN from me!) and MIL did a duplicate xmas for the same group of people on boxing day at their house . Last year we went to them again but DH said it would be the last time, we would be staying at home after that.

So now it is November. ILs were on holiday in mid-late October so DH and I agreed we should ask them to xmas at ours when they got back (happy to do boxing day at theirs if they wish to). They have been back a fortnight, DH has had numerous phone conversations with them and we spent most of last Sunday with them but the C word not mentioned. I refuse to do it because I don't want to look like the breaking of the ILs sacred xmas traditions is all my idea. It is not, DH completely agrees with me but he can't face starting this year's round of xmas histrionics from PIL and SIL.

So AIBU?

Just mention it yourself if he won't. Especially since you want it sorted.

"We're doing xmas days at ours, we'd love you to join us.

If that doesn't suit would you like to come over another day or we'll come to you?"

Simple.

YANBU.

Think it's best if you give them plenty of warning if they're expecting / assuming you'll go to them and you have other plans. Christmas is a bit of a silly season, just like weddings! Brings out the best in some people and an unreasonable side in others

YANBU at all!!

Totally different circumstances but:

DMIL's partner died earlier this year. After discussion, DH and I agreed we should ask her and GMIL for Xmas dinner (usually they come here for some time, but eat at DMIL's house).

That was oooh September.

Now, I think its his place to ask his mum and not mines. I said, I must know if they are coming before end October so I can order food or its not happening (we will have takeaway if they are not coming). Its now half way throuhg November and he still hasnt. Ive given him a new deadline of Nove 13th (so I can get the free evoucher from M and S!) and he is showing no sign of doing anything.

MIL has mentioned Christmas once or twice when we are talking and Ive been very uncomfortable but I REALLY feel strongly he should be the one asking her to come here and not me.

Yours is a much more - fraught situation - but I am being driven berserk so can only imagine how stressed you are!!

I know how you feel. My DH loves nothing more than to put off talking to his parents about important things (or more specifically, things I think are important). Every time I try to pressure him into bringing up a touchy subject or say that I'll talk to his parents directly about something, he says "I know how to talk to my parents, let me do it my way"

To be honest, he's 100% correct. They are his parents and he is the one who knows how to talk to them, and as much as his procrastinating drives me nuts, the couple of times I've done it my way and approached them directly about something has been a total disaster.

And I would hate if DH went behind my back and spoke to my parents about a touchy subject, because I know how to talk to my parents, and he doesn't.

gypsycat that's it exactly, its a touchy subject and they are his parents so I feel DH should sort it. Any non touchy social arrangements I would happily phone my MIL and sort without waiting for DH to get round to it.

I have phoned MIL re xmas in a previous year, to try to get her to let me know what they were doing but she kind of politely stonewalled me. I'm sure the same thing would happen again so it really needs to be DH who picks up the phone.

Kamer, then you have no choice but to sit and wait till he gets of his behind and does it. It's enough to make you want to tear your hair out isn't it!

Could you sneak up behind DH when he's on the phone to them and say 'oh, have you asked MIL and FIL about Christmas, would they like to come?'

I know it's a bit underhand, but they will be bound to have heard you in the background, so DH will have to ask! He can say, 'I almost forgot, thanks for reminding me darling, I knew there was something I meant to ask' You could plan the phonecall and use this as a script, holding his hand while he asks them. At least you will know that they have been asked. Ask DH, what would be worse, not making your position clear by inviting them, or letting them hope that not talking about it means that you might have relented and will go to them after all? DH said last year that it would be the last time, and so this year he needs to remind them.

I think I remember the post from last year, isn't your MIL the one who likes to be queen of Christmas, and has to do it her way, at her house, and everyone has to come? And SIL is a bit immature and self-centred?

You know what, you can ask them and give a final date by which they can accept your invitation or decline, and if they don't let you know either way (which would be very rude) you assume they won't be joining you and get on with your own plans and preparations. If you go to PILS on Boxing day, let her do whatever she wants to do and just eat what you feel like. Regard it as one less meal for you to cook, and leave when you choose.

Whatever you do don't give in!

Thanks girlywhirly, that might be a plan. at MIL as "queen of Christmas* btw, that nails it exactly!

I find all this hoo haa over xmas absolutely daft (not hoo haa in OP - I mean all the hoo haa EVERYWHERE).

You are having xmas at home, invite them or don't. Your MIL has mentioned it couple of times,next time, why not say 'Have you decided to come to us this year, we'd love to have you' If she says she didn;t know they were invited, say DH must've forgotten to mention it.

I just thought it might lighten the task a bit, if you 'staged' a phone call, and were able to laugh about it afterwards. I can just hear DH saying, "I'm just going to phone the queen of Christmas now"

After all it is a bit of a pantomime!