Re ExP and Ds's birthday

[AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws]

DS has his birthday party next Sunday. I agonised for ages over what to do as I am pretty strapped for cash but given the weather/tiny house situation I finally asked ExP to go halves on a party at an indoor play centre.

So, I paid the deposit, collected the invites, spent ages narrowing his pals down to 10 which is the minimum number, ordered a cake, ordered balloons, sorted party bags etc etc and sent ds off to his dads for an overnight stay with the invites in his book bag.

That was a week ago. Guess where the invites are?.yes still at his dads. For some reason he took it upon himself to take the invites out of book bag ?to get the details for his family? Fair enough, but does it not occur to anybody but me that children will need to be invited to the party in order for them to attend, people may need more notice ? and I was planning to fill any empty spaces with his ?2nd choices? and still have plenty of time to do so (basically I can afford for the numbers to go above 10, but 10 is the absolute minimum they will book the party for)

I am furious. I am not an irrational person but I totally lost the plot last night with ExP over this. It os not a one off incident, he seems only to be ds?s ?pal? he has him once a week and does nothing remotely responsible with him during that time. He has no idea how he is doing at school, doesn?t attend parents evenings, doesn?t do reading or homework etc

Was IBU to explode over this last night? If I hadn?t suggested a party in the first place, ExP was under the impression it was ds bday this weekend ? he doesn?t even remember his date of birth!!

Also WIBU to lay some groundrules down about things ExP should at least try and take an interest in i.e homework and other responsibilities. I am sick of it all being at my feet - I even have to wash and dry ds's uniform really quickly on a friday night/saturday morning if he is going to his dads sat and sunday (rarely) because otherwise ds will go to school dirty. he also never bathes him

YADNBU to be furious over this. Without your intervention your DSs birthday could have been ruined as a result of his father's actions. It is selfish, feckless behaviour and it sounds like part of a pattern.

However, you cannot make your XP step up to the mark and you will waste vital time and energy trying to get him to do so.

What you can do is set out the behaviour you want/expect and why you think that would be best for your son. Then provide an alternative scenario of what will happen if you don't get the input your desire, and say that this is what will happen unless he steps up to the mark. You should not be obstructive in any way, but you stop chasing up all the time.

So, for example, you stop being so proactive in involving your DSs father in organising things. For next year's birthday, ask him well in advance if he has any ideas and if he'd like to be involved, and give him a deadline to get back to you with ideas. If that deadline passes with no input from him, do not chase him and organise things how you (or rather your DS) want them.

Chasing a parent who can't be bothered only sets up a child for a greater fall when they eventually realise that the parent doesn't care that much because they let them down badly on some occasion (which always happens eventually). All you are doing by chasing parents like this is creating the illusion of an involved parent and postponing the inevitable. Not chasing them means you are managing your child's expectations and not raising them to unrealistic levels.

It's not fair and it's not right, neither on your DS (who deserves better from his father) or you (who shouldn't have to do 100% of the work). However, it's the only way to raise a secure child and save your own sanity. By adopting this approach you can save yourself a lot of frustration at being let down all the time, even though it means greater responsibility for you.

More importantly, your DS will still continue to have a relationship with his father but it will be an honest one that 100% between him and his father and independent of you. Sometimes this alone can help improve things (hopefully), but even if it doesn't, it means that you won't have a case to answer or feel guilty when your DS eventually tackles his father as to why he's been so crap during his childhood.

great advice thank you. I am still boiling over the potential ruined birthday party, I may have to calm down before I broach anything further.

Another worry is that ExP has split up with latest gf (of about 1 year) and gone back to the woman he was seeing when we were together. Ds told me 'dads got rid of x, he is back with z now' ds is 5 ffs, he should not see relationships in this flippant and disgusting manner

Has he paid his half? It sounds as though he is not worth sharing a party with, ever again.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to be furious! Hope DS doesn't realise what this idiotic behaviour means (that his dad doesn't care...)