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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to write to sil?

12 replies

Iamjustthemilkmachine · 09/11/2011 20:49

SIL is an incredibly selfish person, emotionally unstable and inmature, with a drink and an attitude problem, but nevertheless she is ds's only aunt. We used to be friends a few years ago, then moved away and things went bad, she didn't talk to dh for about 2 years and now they talk about once a year only. DS was born 8 months ago, and she has not yet met him, I find this astonishing, she's sent a card, that's it.
I feel that she needs someone to tell her something, not sure what (actually when i think about it I feel rather more violent than just talking, but I'll keep that to myself). AIBU in wanting to write to her telling her that she's missing ds's babyhood? And if you don't think so, do I have to tell dh that I'm writing to her? I suspect he'll say I shouldn't write to her.

OP posts:

Kayano · 09/11/2011 20:51

I wouldn't bother tbh

Maybe she didn't visit because she knows how you feel about her? Maybe because of past issues she didn't know she would be welcomed?

Littlefish · 09/11/2011 20:52

You are being unreasonable. Write and invite her to come and visit. After that, eave it up to her. You can't force her to have a relationship with your dd (or you and your dh for that matter).

ReindeerBollocks · 09/11/2011 20:52

Do not write to her, it won't end well if you do, and you can't force someone to be part of your DS's life. Just concentrate on enjoying your baby, she is ultimately the one who is missing out.

Plus, It's up to your DH if he wants to push the matter, it is his sister after all.

worraliberty · 09/11/2011 20:53

She's your DH's Sister

She's 'incredibly selfish, emotionally unstable and immature...with a drink and an attitude problem'

Sorry, why do you want to interfere between her and your DH?

drcrab · 09/11/2011 20:55

my children hardly know my brother - because we live 6000 miles away (granted that).... but they know they have an uncle drcrab (well, the 3.8 year old does anyway). My DH's family lives 6 hrs away (300 miles?) and we hardly see his brother and new wife. To top it off, they decided to get married on the weekend we were due with our second child - the excuse was 'oh well, babies come when they want to' (WTF?!)... and they actually thought that we'd be able to drive 600 miles up for the flipping wedding with a toddler in tow. and then back down again.

Anyway - the point is, I don't think any of them are missing out on the children's babyhood/childhood. It's their loss. If you aren't keen on your SIL (and it doesn't sound like you are), then I don't see why you should even care whether she gets to know your child or not. If you have good friends and other family members who are keen to be involved in your life then you should embrace those people... not this SIL. Life really is too short.

My mother was an only child, so we had no aunties/uncles on that side. I for sure don't feel 'deprived'.

so yes, YABU (but I do understand why!)

LindyHemming · 09/11/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 09/11/2011 20:55

Write her a nice friendly letter with invitation and then leave it to her. You can't force people to take an interest and there is no point in causing a rift by trying.

whoopeecushion · 09/11/2011 20:56

You would be nutty to write to her IMO.

You don't like her, you should be pleased that you haven't seen her in ages - no battles to fight!

Who cares that she's missing your DS's babyhood - your DS will not remember who visited when he was a baby and it doesn't impact negatively on you. If she's missing his babyhood, that's her problem. It might not even be a problem to her anyway - she might be totally disinterested (so much the better if you hate her).

Can you possibly answer this question: why do you want to open your life back up to someone you hate when they are voluntarily staying away from you?

hiddenhome · 09/11/2011 20:56

Leave her and dh to get on with it. They can sort out their own relationship.

My SIL has succeeded in separating me from my brother by her actions and it's a horrible thing to bear. You shouldn't interfere.

floweryblue · 09/11/2011 20:58

If you are willing to try to build bridges with your SIL it's your DH's decision really. Talk to him, see what he thinks. I think the very fact she sent a card says quite a lot myself and I would feel slightly rude not to respond, but ultimately it really is your DH's decision how to move forward.

troisgarcons · 09/11/2011 20:59

Some people don't "like" babies.

There is a generation gap between my brother and I - I have met his son (nearly my age) and I dislike him intensly (as do most people) - and my brother dotes on his grand children - but I've only met one - the other 3 - I'm not even sure of their names.

Big issues there with all manner of nephews ex's .... but they just do not get on my radar.

Original poster

Iamjustthemilkmachine · 09/11/2011 21:02

Alright. I won't write. I realize that my violence threat made me sound like I hate her, I don't, it just makes me sad that we have very little family around, and I grew up surounded by loving uncles and aunties, and perhaps think ds will miss out. You are all right of course.
Thanks sensible mners!

OP posts:

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